One Last Goodbye
by BatmanLoonaticsFan96
Summary: A year after Shepard died defeating the Reapers, Garrus Vakarian is still mourning her. But when mysterious assassins begin attacking Normandy crew members who served under her, Garrus must face a new threat with his old teammates. Then he sees something during the mission that shouldn't be possible. Is he going crazy in his grief...or has Shepard yet again returned from the dead?
1. Chapter 1

One Last Goodbye

Undisputed theme song: "Come Wake Me Up" by Rascal Flatts/"Never Be the Same" by Red  
Equally appropriate music video: watch?v=uc4GseM7MDU (YouTube)

Chapter 1

 _"Saren's hiding something! Give me more time! Stall them!"_

 _Executor Pallin simply dismissed everything. "Stall the Council? Don't be ridiculous! Your investigation is over, Garrus." He then walked away._

 _I was more than ready to run off after him. I almost did. But I knew it was out of my hands. What could I do? Anything I could try to convince him would get me suspended. At best. Then the investigation would_ really _be over. If I was going to do something, I had to find another way._

 _It was then that I turned around. It was at that moment I saw her for the first time. I knew who it was the second I saw her. The armor and weapons and her two companions gave away that she was an Alliance soldier. At present, there was really only one option._

 _I'd heard about her. Born and raised on Earth. Orphaned. Left to the streets. Enlisted in the military at 18. Singlehandedly survived a Thresher Maw attack on Akuze that killed her entire squad. Now came to the Council with the same claims I had: Saren was working against his Spectre duties in secret, possibly endangering the entire galaxy in doing so._

 _But, for all her hardened reputation…no one had ever mentioned she was quite so beautiful. Her light red hair fell against her shoulders enticingly, her bright green eyes sparkling. Not bad for a human._

 _Before I could start falling into those thoughts, I regained my composure and gave off the standard greetings: "Commander Shepard? Garrus Vakarian. I was the officer in charge of the C-Sec investigation into Saren."_

 _"Come across anything I should know about?" Shepard asked me._

 _That was the first time I ever heard her voice. The first words we ever said to each other… "Saren's a Spectre," I answered, "Most of his activities are classified. I couldn't find anything solid. But I know he's up to something. Like you humans say, I feel it in my gut."_

 _"I think the Council's ready for us, Commander," one of Shepard's companions spoke up._

 _"Good luck, Shepard," I said as we went our separate ways, "Maybe they'll listen to you."_

 _It was only an hour later when we saw each other again. When I snuck through the med clinic, out of sight of everyone as a small group of thugs attacked the doctor. When Shepard came around and distracted them just long enough for me to get a clean shot at the leader. When we first went into battle together and won._

 _The first time we became a team._

 _"This is your show, Shepard," I told her, "But I want to bring down Saren just as much as you do. I'm coming with you."_

 _"You're a turian," she pointed out, clearly showing that she, like most humans, wasn't one to outright trust a member of the race that attacked hers, "Why do you wanna bring him down?"_

 _"I couldn't find the proof I needed in my investigation but I knew what was really going on. Saren is a traitor to the Council and a disgrace to my people!"_

 _I don't know what it was, but something in her eyes changed at that moment. I saw it. Part of me wants to believe that was the moment she started to change her mind about turians. On the other hand, all of me knows that was the moment she started to change her mind about me. Because the next thing she did was smile and say "Welcome aboard, Garrus."_

 _It was at that moment I knew. Though I didn't realize it until much later, I knew…_

"Garrus."

I snap out of it. My mind was lost in memory. That's been happening a lot lately.

"We're coming up on Earth," the pilot says as we begin our descent.

I just nod in acknowledgement. I suppose I should be thankful that the geth are carrying the Reaper code since it gave them the knowledge we needed to at least partially repair the severely damaged mass relays (not to mention the Reapers _helping_ to fully repair them before disappearing into dark space as if awaiting the time they would be needed again, something I can only assume is the result of the Crucible). Otherwise, the trip from Palaven to Earth could've taken years. _Earth. Where she was born…where she died._ I try to shake the thoughts away but I know they'll never leave. I can't force myself to forget.

 _I stayed in the cargo bay for the entirety of our battle against Saren. Mostly, I worked on repairing the Mako after missions and keeping my distance from Wrex. But every so often, Shepard would come down to talk to us. I actually rather enjoyed our conversations. I feel like that's when things began to change for us. I started getting more comfortable around her, willing to share with her one of the most painful stories of my C-Sec career. Helping me catch Dr. Saleon…I don't think I have words for that. Not the right ones. It was after that when I started to realize what it was I was feeling for her. I never thought this would happen to me. Just imagine it. A turian falling for a human. It's unheard of._

 _I thought things would be different when Saren and Sovereign were defeated. And they were. But I never could've guessed how different. I never saw it coming. For weeks, I couldn't believe it. Having the Council deny the Reaper threat entirely and keep the truth from the public was one thing. But hearing the news of the_ Normandy _'s destruction and Shepard's death…it got to me. That was the moment I knew what I had to do. That was when I stopped boiling in fury at the red tape tying me down and started doing something about it. That's when I went to Omega and became Archangel. It occurred to me every now and then that I really was following Shepard's example._

 _Losing my squad destroyed me. I didn't even have time to grieve for them before the mercs started storming my base. I thought I was done for. Until I saw her in my scope. That redheaded, green-eyed soldier I thought I would never see again. My hope was restored in that moment. I started fighting again, not just for my survival but for hers. Of course, as the fight died down when she reached the compound, I realized: things had changed, but nothing had changed at all. I had lost my way and she had lost her life; I was hiding away feelings I didn't understand and she didn't reciprocate._

 _At least, that's what I thought._

 _I heard her come up behind me. "Archangel?" I heard her voice again._

 _I, however, stayed focused. I answered with a signal to wait a moment and kept my gaze through the sniper scope. When the final mercenary leaned out of cover, I took him out effortlessly. Only then did I step away from the ledge. I got up, turned to face her, took my helmet off, placed it aside, and sat down on the crates, holding my sniper rifle as I faced her for the first time in two years. "Shepard," I said, not even bothering to hide my relief as I looked once again at her emerald eyes, "I thought you were dead."_

 _I felt my hope return when she greeted me with a smile of pure joy. "Garrus! What are you doing here?"_

 _"Just keeping my skills sharp," I answered, trying to let some humor through, "Little target practice."_

 _"You OK?"_

 _"Been better, but it sure is good to see a friendly face."_

I pull myself out of my thoughts again. Those days are behind me. I need to focus on the here and now. So I turn all my attention to the human regiment I'm meeting, suppressing the urge to wonder at why we even bother now that the greatest threat is gone and the galaxy is finally at peace.

"Find everything to your liking, Vakarian?"

I know that voice. I turn to face it and smirk at what I see. "So far. Nice to see you, Williams."

Ashley smirks back. "I see you managed to hold together without anything to shoot at."

"We do still have practice ranges, Ash. You never know what's gonna happen next."

"No, you really never do." She walks off, letting me follow as we tend to business.

But even now, part of me falls back into memory.

 _Because memory is what was killing me back in those days. What happened to my squad was killing me inside every day. I was focused during missions but fighting alongside the team still made me remember the team I failed. I failed them by letting myself get so caught up in the fight that I couldn't see what was happening around me. I couldn't tell that Sidonis had been tortured into luring me away from the base so the mercs could kill my men and then take me out while I was weak._

 _When I finally learned where Sidonis was, I knew I had to do something before it was too late. So when Shepard came by to see what was eating me, I told her everything and all but begged her to get to the Citadel and find him. When we fought our way through to Harkin, all the anger I'd been holding for two years came out at once. I took it out on him. Shepard understood. But when the interrogation worked out and I took it one step too far, she stood in my way. I tried to understand why she did, but when we started talking about it on the way to meet Sidonis, I lost it again. She tried to talk me down, but in that moment, I couldn't care less about her or what she thought._ I just wanted Sidonis DEAD! _So she set up the plan. She stepped in for me while I aimed and pulled Sidonis into place. The last thing I expected at that moment was for her to_ warn _Sidonis._

 _It felt like she'd betrayed me, too. So when she kept Sidonis out of my line of fire and herself in it, I started to see what she was seeing. Because, for a split second, I had the urge to fire and send the bullet right through her and into him. The moment I felt it, I began to realize how much I'd lost myself to the darkness. I began to be afraid of myself. I pushed it all out of my mind, trying as hard as I could to keep my focus on the matter at hand. But seeing Sidonis break down in guilt for what he did was the last straw._

 _"You've gotta let it go, Garrus," she pleaded to me, "He's already paying for his crime."_

 _"He hasn't paid enough," I snapped back, "He still has his life."_

 _"Look at him, Garrus, he's not alive. There's nothing left to kill."_

 _"My men…they deserved better."_

 _"Tell Garrus…" Sidonis said. He stopped himself, shaking his head. "I guess there's nothing I can say to make it right."_

 _That was the moment I found myself fighting. I didn't know what to do anymore. I wanted to pull the trigger more than anything…but I couldn't. "Just…go. Tell him to go."_

"So how's life on Palaven been treating you?" Ashley asks, snapping me out of my daze.

I quickly toss aside _those_ memories. I want more than anything to leave those days behind me. _It's what she would've wanted._ "Good, I guess. I've been spending a lot of time with my dad and my sister. Victus still has me overseeing some of the military, just in case, but most of our efforts right now are focused on rebuilding."

"Same here." She sighs, looking out at London. "It's so… _quiet_."

I look out at the city. The last time I saw it, it was acres of shadowy wreckage overtaken with monsters. Now it seems to be well repaired. All things considered, that's especially impressive. But that's one thought my mind won't dwell on. I finally look away. "Yeah. It really is."

Ashley looks at me, seeming to suddenly understand what's really going through my mind. "…I miss her, too, Garrus."

I still don't meet her eyes. "Not like I do."

Ashley understands. "No one can."

 _That much is true. It was only a few hours after dealing with Sidonis and returning to work calibrating the_ Normandy _weapons systems that Shepard came to see me._

 _"Shepard," I said as she walked in and I turned to face her, "Need me for something?"_

 _"Have you got a minute?" she asked as if she needed the company._

 _"Sure," I answered with a shrug, "Just killing time anyway. I wanted to thank you again for your help with Sidonis. Whatever happens with the Collectors or the Reapers or whoever else comes after us, I know you'll get the job done."_

 _"You really think we'll find something worse than Collectors or Reapers?"_

 _"I like to expect the worst. There's a small chance I'll be pleasantly surprised."_

 _She smiled. "I couldn't do this without you, Garrus."_

 _I smiled back. "Sure, you could. Not as stylishly, of course."_

 _She just suppressed a laugh and went to sit on the crate nearby._

 _"It's strange going into a suicide mission on a human ship," I confessed, "Your people don't prepare for high-risk operations the way turians do."_

 _She stayed seated on the crate, seeming to observe me as I answered her questions about my past and the turian military. She seemed utterly enamored with my tale of sparring the female scout. I finally realized every reason why when she shook her head and stood up. "Sounds like you're carrying some tension. Maybe I can help you get rid of it."_

 _That threw me for a loop. "I, uh…" I struggled just to say it, "…didn't think you'd feel like sparring, Commander."_

 _She really shocked me when she stepped over to the console and leaned against it to smirk at me. "What if we skipped right to the tiebreaker? We could test your reach…and my flexibility."_

 _If her suggestion threw me off,_ that _knocked me out. "OH! I didn't—uh…" I had absolutely no idea what to say, so I attempted to divert the subject with humor: "Never knew you had a weakness for men with scars."_

 _She just kept looking at me._

 _So I kept stumbling over what to do. Finally, my true feelings came to the fore and I outright agreed. Of course, that's when things really got awkward between us. I never let it interfere with the mission, but when it was just us and the ship, well…_

 _I was burying myself in work when she came to see me. I looked at her for a second before sealing the door to the main battery and laying my worries to bear. "Are we crazy to even be thinking about this? I'm not sure…" I finally sighed and faced her. "Look, Shepard, I know you can find something a little closer to home."_

 _She simply drew closer. "I don't want something closer to home. I want you. I want someone I can trust."_

 _I knew then that she wanted this to work, would do anything to make it work. She felt the same way I did. "…I can do that. I'll find some music…and do some research to figure out how this thing should work. It'll either be a night to treasure or a horrible interspecies awkwardness thing." We just looked at each other for a moment after that, before I realized the bright side to it: "In which case, fighting the Collectors will be a welcome distraction, so, you know, a win either way."_

 _She smiled and placed her hand against my face. "You know, Garrus," she spoke gently, unaware of the feelings rushing through me at her touch, "if you're not comfortable with this, it's OK. I'm not trying to pressure you."_

 _But I stayed close, desperate to keep her near me, fighting the fear of losing her again. "Shepard, you're about the only friend I've got left in this screwed-up galaxy. I'm not gonna pretend I've got a fetish for humans, but this isn't about that. This is about us. You don't ever have to worry about making me uncomfortable. Nervous, yes, but never uncomfortable."_

 _"So when should I book the room?" she asked, taking a step back._

 _"I'd wait, if you're OK with it," I suggested in response, "Disrupt the crew as little as possible and take that last chance to find some calm just before the storm. You know me, I always like to savor that last shot before popping the heat sink."_

 _She smirked at me in amusement._

 _After a moment of confusion, I then realized how my statement could be interpreted. "Wait! That metaphor just went somewhere horrible!"_

 _She just smiled, almost snickering before stepping away. "I'll let you get back to work."_

 _I sighed. "Right. 'Cause I'm in a great place to optimize firing algorithms right now."_

I find myself smiling at the thought. "There's no one quite like her."

"There's never been anyone like her," Ashley agrees. She then looks around as if making sure no one is observing us. "Look, Garrus, there's something I was planning to do today. I think you should come with me."

"I appreciate the offer, Ashley, but—"

She places her hand against my arm. "I _really_ think you should come with me."

I look at her for a moment. I see it in her eyes that this is important. Finally, I nod in agreement and follow her off. As she drives us to our destination, I look out the window of our transport at the city passing by. But I'm no longer paying attention to the restored city. I'm pulled into the memory of that night just before the suicide mission…

 _When I came to the captain's cabin, I heard the shower running and subsequently turning off. I stepped into the cabin, waiting for her to come out._

 _Only a moment later, she stepped out of the bathroom, as beautiful as I had ever seen her._

 _I was stunned for a moment but brought myself to speak: "Hey. I brought wine. Best I could afford on a vigilante's salary."_

 _She simply smiled at me._

 _That meant it was still my turn to make a move, so I started using my research. I rushed to locate her music system and turn it on, attempting to set the mood. As she drew closer, I tried to think of something to say. But since I was the least qualified person in the galaxy for this situation, I started stumbling over my words again, showing just how nervous I was: "If you were a turian, I'd be complimenting your waist or your fringe. So…your, uh…hair…looks…good…and your waist is…very supportive."_

 _She just smirked at me again._

 _Considering the circumstances of the last time she'd done that with me, I just got worse: "Hopefully, that's not offensive in human culture. Crap! I knew I should've watched the vids. Throw me a line here, Shepard!"_

 _"Whoa!" She finally put her hands up, sending me a signal to stop. "Consider me seduced, smooth-talker!" She sighed, turning off the music. "Calm down, Garrus. You're worrying too much. …and talking too much."_

 _I sighed, following her advice and releasing my true thoughts: "I just…I've seen so many things go wrong, Shepard. My work at C-Sec, what happened with Sidonis…"_

 _Now she was looking at me, her eyes glistening with sympathy._

 _"I want something to go right," I continued sadly as she stepped closer, "Just once. Just…"_

 _She cut me off by reaching over to touch my scars. I saw the feelings in her eyes and knew it pained her to see me hurt. That made me believe she loved me before this, too—that what I felt for her death, she felt when I was gunned down._

 _The next thing I knew, we were pulling closer together, into each other's arms. That night was the first time we kissed._

I don't have the strength to turn away that memory. If anything, I'm about ready to prove whether or not turians actually cry.

Finally, I feel Ashley begin to slow down and know we're coming up on our destination.

But even in that moment, I find one last, even more powerful memory overtake me.

 _"Shepard," I said as she walked up to me on the battlegrounds, "So I guess this is…"_

 _"Just like old times?" she smirked._

 _I laughed for a moment. Then I thought over the implications and realized something: "Might be the last chance we get to say that."_

 _"You think we're gonna lose?" she asked incredulously._

 _"No, I think we're about to kick the Reapers back into whatever black hole they crawled out of. Then we're going to retire someplace warm and tropical and live off the royalties from the vids. Maybe even find out what a turian-human baby looks like."_

 _She smiled and laughed. "I'm game. Though I think adoption's a better idea. Biology may not cooperate."_

 _"I suppose there will be a lot of little krogan around soon."_

 _"We just have to beat the Reapers first."_

 _Then every emotion inside me pushed me to the brink and I found myself unleashing it all for her. "James told me there's an old saying here on Earth: 'May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.' Not sure if turian heaven is the same as yours, but if this thing goes sideways and we both end up there…meet me at the bar. I'm buying."_

 _"We're a team, Garrus," she countered, drawing a step closer to me, "There's no Shepard without Vakarian, so you'd better remember to duck."_

 _"Sorry," I bantered back, "turians don't know how. But I'll improvise." That's the moment that I finally let it out: "And Shepard, forgive the insubordination, but your boyfriend has an order for you: come back alive. It'd be an awfully empty galaxy without you."_

 _Her eyes filled with sympathy for me one more time. Finally, she pulled me in and we kissed._

 _Our last._

 _"Goodbye, Garrus," she whispered, "And if I'm up there in that bar and you're not…I'll be looking down. You'll never be alone."_

 _I watched her brokenly as she walked away. With a sigh, I engraved that word in my memory: "Never."_

"You coming, Garrus?" Ashley asks, snapping me out it.

I look at her for a second before stepping out to meet her. I follow her to what appears to be a memorial. I freeze when I see who it's for.

It's _hers_.

Ashley sadly places a hand against the stone. "I thought we should do something to honor her."

I walk over with Ashley, matching her gesture and placing my palm against the rock engraved with her name. But, once again, my mind is blanketed by the memories.

 _The moment we kissed at the top of the Presidium._

 _How we danced together at the casino._

 _"I don't know what I'd do without you…"_

"It was a year ago today," Ashley says as she takes a step back, "And the whole galaxy would be destroyed if not for her. It's only right."

"Yeah," I force myself to speak, "You're right. It's just…" I take a step back as well, my gaze locked on the stone. "…it's been a _long_ year."

Ashley places a hand on my shoulder comfortingly. "I know it's hard. But she'd want you to keep fighting. That's why she did it—for all of us. And I knew her well enough to know the last thing she saw before it happened…was you."

Involuntarily, I place my hand over hers. But there is one final memory racing through me. One that is a year old as of today. One that has haunted me every day since.

 _The fight was finally in our favor. Everything was going according to plan. Until Harbinger came to the beam. Until every troop we had was sent racing across a battlefield as the head Reaper's laser tore through it. Until one of the tanks was thrown back and right at us. Shepard ducked in time, but I only had time to jump out of the way. I missed the brunt of it, but I was still injured, too much for combat._

 _"_ Normandy _, do you copy?" I heard her voice as we ducked behind another upturned tank, "I need an evac! Right now!"_

 _I heard Joker respond but there was too much static to correctly determine what he was saying without devoting more of my attention to it. And all my attention was on the pain rushing through my body. I finally saw the_ Normandy _fly into the battlegrounds and land just out of range of the Reaper beams. I felt Shepard helping me to my feet, practically dragging me to the ship. As we came to the entrance, I watched the soldiers around it give us covering fire, holding off the Reaper forces._

 _And I felt her let go of me. "Here. Take him."_

 _"Shepard!" I instantly called even as I was pulled to the ship._

 _"You've gotta get out of here," she told me._

 _"And you've gotta be kidding me!" I snapped._

 _"Don't argue, Garrus."_

 _"We're in this to the end!"_

 _She finally gave me one last look, her eyes showing me her true feelings, and stepped closer to me. "No matter what happens here…" She drew close, her eyes locked on mine and her hand against my scars again. "…you know I love you. And I always will."_

 _More than I've ever wanted anything, I wanted in that moment to pull her close, to hold her in my arms one last time and never let her go. Selfishly, I wanted her with me even if it meant we lost the war. "Shepard…" I pleaded, "…I…" But I knew that all I could do now was tell her the truth and hope it was enough: "I love you, too."_

 _She sadly pulled away._

 _I reached for her._

 _"GO!"_

 _I watched as we flew away from her, leaving her there._

 _She watched us fly off as well. I saw in her eyes as she faded from view the same longing that I had within me. That was the last I ever saw of her._

I hang my head in reverence. "Whatever happened…I would give anything for one more day with her."

Ashley keeps her hand on me for a moment. I don't look at her so I don't know what else she could be doing or even what she feels right now. Of course, I have a decent idea.

For a moment, we stand there in silence, remembering the lost. I get the feeling Ashley is remembering not only Shepard but Kaidan as well. I am, too. Not to mention Mordin, Thane, Legion…the war took too many people from us that we cared about. None of them were any easier to take.

But none of them hurt like this.

Ashley finally steps away with a sigh. "Come on. We should head back."

"Uh…" I finally face her. "…if you don't mind, Ash…I'd like a moment alone."

She nods in understanding and walks off.

Once she's gone, I look at the memorial. For a few seconds, it feels like I'll be standing here for hours, staring at this rock and remembering the past like I have been for the last year. Instead, I start to speak to her as if she can still hear me: "…hi, Shepard." I sigh. "I gave you an order. I warned you and I was right: it's an awfully empty galaxy without you. I'm really not sure what to do with myself now. Even the geth and the krogan are being all friendly, and Cerberus and the Reapers aren't a threat anymore so the only way I'll be getting any fighting done is if I go back to Omega, but…there's too much pain there. And I don't exactly see the point in retiring like we talked about if you're not with me. I'll just kill myself with the memories even harder than I'm doing now." I look up at the sky, remembering her last words to me and her final goodbye. "And if you really are up there, looking down…know that I not only still love you, but…always did. I just never had the courage to admit it. But I loved you from the moment I first saw you. I just didn't realize it. Not until it was too late. Of course, then you came back and proved you felt the same way and everything changed. But…now that you're gone again, for good this time, I…" I look down again, unsure of what to say. "I miss you. More than anything. Hopefully, I'll get to see you again someday. Until then…"

At last, I let it out. The very thing I wanted with all my heart to say to her when she was alive: "I love you, Sara."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I don't know how long I've been standing by the memorial, my hand pressed sadly against her name. I only know that Ashley has returned from giving me my moment alone. I barely understand what she says. But I step back when I hear her voice. I turn away from the memorial to follow her back to our transport, ignoring the faint pain in my heart at leaving…and how it jumped when I heard the voice of a human female and, for a split second, hoped with all my being that it was her again.

I sigh as Ashley leads me to the transport that will take us back to where we were less than an hour ago. "Sometimes, Ash, I wonder if it might be better to leave the memories behind somehow. To forget all of it and go back if I can."

"Believe me, Garrus, it wouldn't help at all," Ashley says, "If anything, it'll just be worse. We humans have a saying: ''Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.'"

I immediately know the truth behind her words. This whole time, I've been willing to trade the pain away. But doing that would take away every happy memory of my time with her. If I lost all memory of love in the hope of getting it back, what would be the point?

I'll never stop missing her. Because I'll never stop loving her. But I'll never let go. No matter what.

 _"…I'll be looking down. You'll never be alone."_

… _"Never."_

I still walk through London with a mist over my mind, but the memories are not overflowing like they were not long ago. Now I've consummated the broken feelings, letting the memories fade for a short while. But the pain hasn't lessened. I still don't have the will to act like the military turian I'm supposed to be. In fact, when the day is over, the only thing I really remember after Ashley and I parted ways is overhearing the pilots' discussion on the ride back to Palaven.

"Garrus doesn't really seem like himself, does he? You'd think he'd be happier. It was a year ago today that he helped stop the Reapers."

"Didn't you hear? He lost a really good friend that day. He took it hard."

"Oh. You mean Shepard? I heard about that. Never thought I'd see a turian grieve so hard for a human."

"She wasn't just some human to him."

Oddly, those words echo in my head for hours. It seems like it's all I can hear until we land on my home-world. I go through the camp to my personal cabin, only interacting with the other soldiers passively. It occurs to me that I'm…what's that creature Vega talked about from human mythology? Like a Husk? …a zombie, that's it. He told me about how when people are under certain kinds of stress that they go through life mindlessly, "like a zombie." I guess I can equate myself to that now.

I keep that up for a few minutes, still trying to block out the emotions tearing me apart. _Now I know how Thane felt after losing his wife. No wonder he lost it._

Ashley, Kaidan, James, Mordin, Thane, Legion—old friends are really going through my mind today. _As well they should._ Maybe I should call one of them. Today's the best day for it. They're the only people who would understand. _She wouldn't want me to be alone._

There's just one problem: they're all busy. Obviously, I can't call Kaidan, Mordin, Thane, or Legion. I might as well try talking with Shepard again. The others would certainly not mind hearing from me, but I can't prove that.

Ashley gave me all the time she had today as is. She's overseeing the human military like I'm overseeing the turian forces. Those soldiers get all her attention. She's proven herself the right person to call, but I can't afford to do it. I should let her be.

Liara is the best option by far. She's always been the one to talk to, no matter the problem. But she's busy with her scientific exploration and her work as the Shadow Broker. And she's been hurting almost as much as I have since the war ended. She felt she had a _very_ personal connection to Shepard. She was the hero that saved her from her Prothean prison and abduction by Saren's soldiers. The human touched by working Prothean technology that piqued her scientific interest and touched her mind. The soldier that helped her rescue an old friend and guided her. The shoulder she cried on when Thessia fell. And the friend she embraced in eternity before losing her to the void. Yes, Liara would be the perfect choice for comfort, but all it would do is put her in the same pain I have. I can't do that to her.

Wrex, on the other hand, is not a good choice. He's never in his 300-year-long life been one for emotion. He can't hide that it hit him when we lost Shepard, but he recovered a lot faster than most of us. Surely, this day holds great significance to him as well, but, in any case, he's more than preoccupied with the situation on Tuchanka and his newborn family. He doesn't need to hear from me at all.

Tali would be ideal. We've always had a special kind of relationship, probably a bond formed from being the only two dextros on the _Normandy_ but especially a friendship forged in fire. A couple people actually joked that if Shepard hadn't been around, I'd have ended up with Tali. Well, while the quarian mechanic is undoubtedly hurting today, she has _way_ too much to deal with on Rannoch as is. There's not much chance of getting the company I need out of her at the moment.

Miranda could probably help. In her own way. But she's completely out of reach by now. She's dedicated her life to the Alliance and Oriana, getting rid of what remains of Cerberus along the way. Even if I could get in touch with her, she wouldn't spare me near enough time.

Jacob? Not a chance. All of his time belongs to his wife and child. He has talked about going back to the Alliance military eventually, but for now he deserves as much time with his family as he can get. I, of all people, know how important that is. He's not the person I need to talk to.

And Jack is the absolute last person in the galaxy I need right now. She probably has the spare time while dealing with her biotic students, but she would never in a million years give the kind of company I'm needing. If anything, she'd find a way to insult me every few seconds, _possibly_ restraining herself a couple times because she knows I'm still grieving for Shepard. But she wouldn't care in the least if I called her and I don't care in the least to try.

Grunt is not much better than Wrex. He doesn't just owe her the fertility of his people but also his own life. If not for her, he would never have made it out of his tank, let alone become one of the top krogan military leaders. But he's just as cold to emotions as Wrex is and wouldn't be the person to talk to right now. He's likely grieving in his own way for the loss of his battle-master, but he would pay little attention to a call from his one turian friend.

Samara would not be the best choice. She's as kindhearted as Liara but…well, _misty_ is really the best word for it. She doesn't spare emotion. Sometimes I wonder if part of the Justicar's Code is to keep from displaying any emotion whatsoever when possible. She would understand my pain and do her part to help, but that's not the kind of help I need.

And if I'm looking for friendship, I can't guarantee it from James Vega. He proved he could cross that threshold when we were working together during the war, but I doubt he's the type to show the kind of support I need. He's the kind to call after a hard fight, not after a loss like this. I don't even know if he would really understand.

I could always call Joker and EDI. I can always count on them, they said. I'm tempted to follow through. But something keeps me from sending for them. Something tells me they're not the people I need to talk to.

Finally, I realize the one person I can talk to right now. Even if she never knew Shepard personally, she's known me my whole life and knows what I'm going through and what I need.

So I turn on the videophone and send the call to Solana Vakarian. Because if there's anyone I can rely on, it's my sister.

 _That night…_

 _"Shepard. Thought you might be in here. You know what the best part is about a battle that decides the whole fate of the galaxy?"_

 _"Winning it?"_

 _"I was thinking it's a good excuse to remind the people you care about that…well, you care about them. Want some company?"_

 _"Ha. You read my mind."_

 _"Guess I'm getting pretty good at this. But some more practice wouldn't hurt…"_

 _I revel in the feel of my skin against hers, relish every moment in her arms and every second that we kiss. I watch in wonder as she falls asleep, gently running my fingers through her hair. It feels like hours that I stay at her side, only to step away when I get a call on the datapad. As soon as I'm done with it, she wakes up. One look at her and I know something is wrong. So I toss the datapad aside and take her side again._

 _"Bad dream?"_

 _"You ever get them?"_

 _"I tend to expect the worst anyway, so dreaming about it is just a waste of good sleep."_

 _"What about now?"_

 _"…I'm expecting a tough fight. What's bothering you?"_

 _"…can we ever be ready for a battle like this? Everything we've ever known…it's all hanging by a thread, Garrus."_

 _"Yeah, but the truth is, when hasn't it? Every fight we've ever seen could've been our last. Every bullet we've ever dodged could've been the one."_

 _"There have been a lot of bullets."_

 _"And this time around, they're just a little bigger."_

 _"…I don't know what I'd do without you…"_

Those words echo in my mind as I fade into awareness. I ache to return to the dream, to stay in that memory forever. I wish I could spend the rest of my days lying beside her. But it's not meant to be.

Suddenly, I hear something from the shadows. I scan my surroundings without even moving. Something I've learned over the years is how to sneak around and surprise people. If someone is sneaking up on you, you don't let on that you're aware of it until they're close enough for you to make a move in response.

And I am almost certain that someone is sneaking up on me.

I move as little as possible, keep my breathing steady, do everything in my power to make the intruder believe I'm still asleep. Secretly, I look around through narrowed eyes for a glimpse of them, listen for another sign of their location.

I don't receive one until they're right on top of me.

Almost instantly, I make my move. I see a weapon over me, probably a knife, and deflect it, jumping at my attacker. We tumble to the floor together and begin to fight through the shadows.

The intruder moves to hit me and I roll out of the way, taking the chance to reach up for my sidearm (or at least turn on the lights). I don't make it far before the would-be assassin grabs my leg, pulling me back down. I respond by kicking them in the face. But they don't let go of me and recover remarkably fast, grabbing their own gun. I have to do something _now_!

I can't reach my weapon or even the lights from here. But I can reach the bed sheets. So I tear them off and throw them at my attacker. While they're blinded, they're forced to release me to pull themselves out. That gives me just enough time to grab my gun.

I don't get to take a shot before I feel cold metal wedged in my gut. I look down and see that the assassin had another knife, one they used to tear through the sheets around them and then stabbed me with. I quickly kick them again, pushing them back long enough for me to remove the blade.

As soon as I do, my vision blurs and I begin to lose my balance. "…you…you _poisoned_ …"

The silent killer finally pulls themselves to their feet, preparing to strike again.

I quickly pull myself together, just enough to hold up my weapon and aim.

Two bullets later, the intruder has jumped through the window and run off into the night.

I stumble over to open the door and, leaning against it, fire from here. But they're already out of range. The battle over, there's nothing to distract my body from the venom inside it. I drop my gun and fall to the floor. I blindly crawl to grab my datapad, desperate to call someone. I don't know if I made the call or ever reached the table before the world goes black around me.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

…in the distance, I hear the voices of turian soldiers reporting that Garrus Vakarian is injured, checking the wound, preparing a transport to the nearest medical station…

 _"…Garrus…"_

… _I know that voice…_

…vaguely, I see Palaven flying past as the transport rushes to the medical station, turian medics racing to tend to the poisoned wound…

 _"…come back to me, Garrus…"_

"…Shepard…?"

…like a dream, I notice my father and sister coming through the building to check on me, worried about me, worried they'll lose me…like I was afraid I would lose them…

 _"…Garrus…"_

… _I see her again, reaching for me…I struggle to reach her but something is holding me back…_ "…Sara…"

 _"…Garrus…!"_

… _she needs me…I have to get to her…!_

… _I can feel her again…like I've wanted with all my heart since the day I lost her…_

… _but I can feel her slipping away…_

"… _no_ …Sara…!"

 _"…Garrus…please…"_

… _I try with all my strength to get to her…but something pulls me away…_

…I gasp for breath as I start awake. I'm weak. Worse than I've ever been. My heart pounds, desperate to return to the void I was yanked from. Desperate to return to _her_.

Then I see where I am: a turian medical station, one of the rooms meant for intensive care. Slowly, the events of the attack come back to me. I remember waking in the night to find someone trying to kill me, fighting them off only to be stabbed with a poison blade, struggling to catch them and call for help…

…how did I end up here? What happened?

"You gave us quite the scare, Garrus."

I know that voice. I turn to face it in amazement. "Tali?"

The quarian places her hand over mine. "You always did know how to pick a fight."

"Looks who's talking," I banter back. Two seconds later, I feel a pain in my gut where the blade went through it and clutch my wound. "What happened?"

"You were attacked. We don't know who did it. Whoever it was stabbed you with a poisoned blade. It was really rare poison. It looks like it was tailored to turian physiology. Luckily, it was a poison that the Citadel hospital had a sample of, so there was data on it that we were able to use to synthesize a cure. You're stable for now, but I can't guarantee anything."

I finally pull myself up to a sitting position. "What about you? Come all the way from Rannoch just to see me?"

Tali sighs. "…Garrus…we don't think the assassin was working alone. They came after all of us, too."

I instantly know something's wrong. "Who's 'we'?"

"Liara. Wrex. Ashley, Grunt, Miranda—all of us. Liara was the first. She got word of what happened to you just before they came after her. Knowing what to expect, she was able to fight them off enough to get away. She came to find the rest of us and got there just in time to stop them each time. When we got word of your condition, we all came over to help."

"…Tali…how long was I out?"

Tali looks away, hesitant to answer, but forces it out: "Three weeks."

Now I'm in shock. "Did I miss anything important? Has anyone heard from my family?!"

"They're fine. They've been as worried about you as we were—they've barely left this station. The only thing you really missed was…well, all of us getting attacked."

I sigh in slight relief. "I'll be fine for a minute. Go tell them what happened."

"Of course," Tali nodded, walking off.

A few moments later, my father and sister come to see me. I can tell how hard the past three weeks have been on them the moment they enter the room. Their greeting is that of a family that's lost a piece of it and gotten it back slightly damaged. I can understand that. It's what we went through for Mom.

Two hours after they've left, I finally manage to convince the medical staff that I'm recovered enough to go. I pull myself to my feet and out of the room. It takes a moment to regain my balance after three weeks on my back, but I get to prove that I am recovered as I head out of the station. Every so often, my wound begins to hurt again or I receive a slight reaction from what remains of the poison, but, for the most part, I am back to normal, just with one more scar.

 _At that thought, I feel her hand over my scars again._

I shove the thoughts away. I can't afford to paralyze myself like that. If I'm a target again, I need to be alert at all times.

But, in my heart, I know she'll keep haunting me until the day I die.

At last, I'm stepping out of the medical station.

"Can't go for one day without us before getting yourself a new scar, can you?"

I turn in surprise.

Ashley stands there with Tali, Liara, and Wrex.

I smirk at her. "We're soldiers, Ash. Just part of the job."

She just shrugs. "True."

Liara smiles, stepping up to me. "It is good to see you again, Garrus."

"Yeah, yeah," Wrex sneers, "One big happy reunion. Are we doing this or what?"

"Doing what?" I ask.

"I believe I might have an idea who the assassins were that were targeting us," Liara answers, "We're going to track them down. Just like old times."

 _"Just like old times?"_

 _"Hmm…might be the last chance we ever get to say that."_

"And how do you expect us to track them down?" I ask, suspecting her answer already.

Liara responds by sending a message over her omni-tool.

Less than a minute later, the _Normandy_ flies in, the door opening to reveal Joker inside with EDI.

"If we're ready to go?" Joker smirks, "Let's go crush some bad guys."

 _An hour later…_

It was hard leaving my family after what we've been through. They understood that I had to go and finish this, like Saren and the Collectors and the Reapers, but they were still worried about me. Probably still are. I can understand that. I'm worried about them.

I look out the viewing glass of the observation deck as the _Normandy_ once again flies through space to Liara-knows-where. I think over the events of the past three weeks that I have just received a brief explanation of—the assassins' attacks on each of us, how EDI managed to get the _Normandy_ free for a new mission. In a moment, I'll be going in to the mess area that will act as our meeting hall until further notice and meet with the others to discuss our strategy.

 _How are we supposed to do this without Shepard? …the ship feels so empty without her._

This ship has been a second home to me, it seems. But it's not the same. Part of the reason why is because she was always there. Now she's gone. That doesn't just leave us with a power vacuum, it leaves a hole in the team.

I finally walk away from the "window" and out into the hall, approaching the memorial wall. As I come up to it, I look at all the names on it. Most of them are crewmen I met on the SR-1 during the fight with Saren, their deaths occurring in the subsequent Collector attack.

Then there's the people we practically considered family. Kaidan Alenko, the human biotic that stood at our side against Saren and gave his life defending the bomb on Virmire so that Ashley could survive. Legion, the one friendly geth I ever had the pleasure of being acquainted with, that sacrificed itself for the good of its people so that they would aid us in the war against the Reapers. Mordin Solus, the salarian doctor from the STG that was instrumental to defeating the Collectors and the reason the genophage was cured to garner krogan support for my people and Shepard's. Thane Krios, the drell assassin who lived in remorse for his actions until the day he died, not from his terminal illness or the suicide mission but from defending a Councilor held at gunpoint by a Cerberus operative.

And at the center of the wall, just over Admiral David Anderson, is the plaque marked "Commander Shepard." I remember the day I put it there. Just like I did then, I run my fingers over the markings in remembrance of the fallen it symbolizes. My heart aches as I do. Losing her hurt more than losing my squad on Omega. Just like them, I can't bring her back. Unlike them, I also can't take my anger out on the people responsible.

It makes me feel helpless. I don't like it.

I barely notice as Liara walks up to me. She gently takes my side, looking at the plaque I won't take my hand away from, as if letting go will make her be gone forever. I only give her a passing glance before returning my gaze to the memorial wall, but in that fleeting moment, I see the pain in her eyes. "I understand how much it hurts."

I don't bother debating her. She's actually right. Not only does she, more than anyone, know how much I cared about Shepard, but she doesn't have a family to go back to like I did. She lost her mother because of the Reapers and her "father" was out of reach. Really, she claims us as her true family, like most of us do. If anyone knows what I'm going through, it's her.

Liara stands at my side for a moment in silence, not moving or speaking until I lower my hand. When I do, she places her hand over my arm. "Come on. The others are waiting."

I follow her around the elevator to our makeshift meeting room.

It's true, everyone's here. Wrex, Tali, Liara, Ashley, Grunt, Miranda, Jacob, Jack, Samara, James, Joker, and EDI (who is clearly flying the ship at the same time she's standing here). We've only ever all been in the same place at the same time on one other occasion: the party on the Citadel. It's strange to see us all here. But at the same time, it kind of feels right.

"Alright," Miranda says, "let's get down to it: someone is attacking us and we need to know why."

"First things first," I ask, "has anyone even seen what they look like? It was dark when they hit me."

"Same for all of us," James answers.

"I was able to catch a glimpse when the biotics lit them up," Jack points out, "but they were completely covered in this black armor. Makes sense we couldn't see them in the dark. I couldn't even see their eyes past the goggles."

"I think I may have the answers," Liara steps up.

"Shocker."

"As you all know, Garrus was attacked first. I received word he was at the medical station only an hour after his arrival there. I instantly began searching for news of the attack and discovered that a mysterious assassin had attempted to kill him."

"'Attempted' being the operative word," Jacob remarks.

I just smirk back. "We all said I'm hard to kill."

Liara smiles briefly. "Shortly after I began wondering what could have brought about the attack, one of them came after me. I used what knowledge I had against them, finally managing to take the data from their omni-tool. They're a private group known as the Black Shadows. As soon as I had the data, the Shadow attacking me tried again. I narrowly avoided hospitalization and managed to escape…taking this with me." She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a jagged knife that's entirely black. "As far as I can tell, it's an exact match to the one used to attack Garrus…only this one is treated with a poison tailored to _asari_ physiology."

"How did they manage that?" Wrex asks.

"I'm unsure. But when I went through the data after my escape and realized they were attacking us, I began following their trail to find all of you, finally leading us to Joker and EDI and, ultimately, Garrus. Each time, the weapons they were using were treated with a poison made for their target's species."

"OK," Ashley groans, "what's going on? Why are these guys coming after us and how did they get their hands on these things?!"

"As I said, I'm not sure. But as to why they would come after us, there are only two things truly linking us in a way that would bring about making us targets: the _Normandy_ and…"

I instantly know what she'll say is the second option: "…Shepard."

"It is suspicious that the first attack struck Garrus exactly one year after her death," Samara states.

"I have no information on the Black Shadows," EDI says, "but I do believe they are being employed by our true adversary, and that the contract is about Shepard somehow."

"Guess we should be ready for a fight," Grunt remarks, "Anything involving Shepard involves some big guns."

I sigh and step away. "Then I guess I better calibrate our giant gun again. I'm certain someone's messed it up somehow in the past year."

"That turian and his calibrations…" I hear Joker remark as I'm walking away.

"Go easy on him," I barely hear Tali as I open the door to the main battery, "We all know how much she meant to him…"

I quickly close the door and head to work. I pour all my focus into it. I'll only think about doing what I can to win this new fight. I won't think about how someone is abusing my love's memory to attack my second family. I won't lose myself in the grief again.

I won't.

…I won't…

 _"…I don't know what I'd do without you…"_


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

I don't know how long I've been calibrating the _Normandy_ 's guns. I do know that the meeting ended shortly after I left the room and the team has gone their separate ways, Joker and EDI probably returning to the cockpit and everyone else to the stations they adopted when Shepard was still here.

 _"…Garrus…"_

I freeze for a moment before turning to look around. I know that voice. But she's not here. _Of course, she's not! You've been working too long._

I force myself to step away for a moment. But that doesn't exactly help. I'm standing right where I was last year when I returned to the ship…

 _"Garrus," Shepard smiled as she walked up to me, "Didn't waste any time getting to work, I see."_

 _I stepped away from my work enough to face her. "After what I've been through lately, calibrating a giant gun is a vacation. Gives me something to focus on."_

 _"We're gonna need you for more than your aim."_

 _"Oh, I'm ready for it. But I'm pretty sure we'll still need giant guns. And lots of them."_

 _"Can't argue with that."_

 _Once that exchange was over and I had my work at a point where I could stop, I turned to face her completely, giving her all of my attention. "Yeah. So…is this the part where we…shake hands? Wasn't sure about the protocol on reunions…or if you even still felt the same way about me." I stopped myself before I fell too deep into it, digging myself out the only way I knew how: "The scars are starting to fade. I remember they drove you wild."_

 _She laughed. I never got to hear her laugh, not often enough. I loved it._

 _"But I can go out and get all new ones if it'll help," I smirked, drawing closer._

 _She smiled back, pulling closer as well. "I haven't forgotten our time together."_

 _"Well…I've been doing some more research on human customs—"_

 _She cut me off by pulling me in and kissing my scars. She leaned back, smiling so brightly that her emerald eyes sparkled. "_ That's _the protocol on reunions."_

 _I smiled back. "The vids mentioned it might go something like that. I mean…I had hoped…I didn't know…"_

 _She looked down at my hands, taking them in hers. "I can't promise how things will work out. Not with this war. But I missed you, Garrus. I thought about you a lot."_

 _"Glad to know my romantic…_ skills _made an impression."_

I lean against the wall, looking down at my feet. Even after all this time, I still can't get her out of my head. Even now, the memories take me over.

 _"The only thing that made leaving Earth bearable was knowing you were out there somewhere."_

 _"I felt the same way. The worst part about the galaxy going to hell would've been never getting to see you again."_

 _"Well, here I am…exactly where I want to be. I love you, Garrus Vakarian."_

 _It's like I can still feel her in my arms._ _"…I'm not sure what to do."_

 _I hear her laugh again._ _"You grab the girl and kiss her like you mean it."_

I feel the memory blanket me as I remember the rush of taking her in my arms and kissing her at the top of the Presidium. One of the greatest moments of my entire life. Most of which were with her.

I can't take it anymore. I've done all I can for the moment, so I leave the room. I head past the med bay, the XO office, and the mess hall to the elevator. I turn away before my gaze catches on the memorial wall again. I can't handle that. I quickly open the elevator doors and step in.

I stop when I realize that I don't know where to go. First instinct tells me to leave the elevator and go see Liara. My second thought is to go down a level to engineering and talk to Tali. I'm even tempted to head up to the CIC and speak with Joker and EDI. But I finally realize I still need to be alone. I need…oh…right.

So I take the elevator up to the top level and go straight to the captain's cabin.

I find it almost completely undisturbed. I heard it was a human custom to honor the dead by leaving their belongings how they left them. Of course, someone has to have been up here every day for the past year (probably Traynor), because the fish and the hamster seem very well cared for.

I step over to her bed, placing my hand over the sheets. It reminds me of the time we spent lying on it together after the suicide mission, doing nothing more than being together and sometimes falling asleep in each other's arms. It doesn't feel right being in here without her, like I'm invading her private space somehow. But at the same time, it feels like this is the only place I should be.

 _"…Garrus…"_

I instantly start looking around. _OK, that time, I KNOW I heard something!_ I search for the location of the mysterious voice that sounds so much like _hers_. I think I catch sight of something in the bathroom so I go to look, but it's empty. This is the smallest deck on the whole ship, so there aren't many places they could be hiding. But I look through all of them and come up empty.

I lean against the wall, wondering what could be happening. Is it possible I'm actually losing my mind? _No…no, I just need to rest._ I start to turn around and head back to the elevator.

I stop after one step. No. Not on the crew deck. I turn back around and walk over to _her_ bed. I lie down on it and fall asleep remembering all the nights I spent here with her in my arms.

Including our last.

…

 _I feel her wrapped around me. I feel her flesh against mine, warm and calming. I feel as though she's part of me, something I can't live without._

 _"Never let go of me," I hear her whisper, her voice making my heart beat again after such a long silence._

 _"Wouldn't dream of it," I whisper back._

 _"…you let go of me once…"_

 _"…and I'll never do it again."_

 _She leans against me, as if she needs my strength to stay on her feet. "I love you, Garrus Vakarian."_

 _"I love you, Sara Shepard."_

 _"…you never use my first name."_

 _"Out of respect. But that's not what matters now. Not anymore."_

 _She pulls away just enough to look in my eyes. I feel frozen in her gaze, like I no longer have the will to turn away. "I've lost everything, Garrus. I lost my family on Earth, my unit on Akuze…I can't lose you, too."_

 _"I know the feeling. But that won't happen. Not as long as we stay together."_

 _"…there's no Shepard without Vakarian."_

 _I ache to pull her closer again but something is wrong. It's not that I no longer have the will to move. I can't._

 _She keeps a hold of my hand as she takes a step back, not breaking her gaze from mine. "If one of us goes…we both do."_

 _Something is_ very _wrong. I don't realize how wrong until I feel the water at my feet. "Uh…we should probably get out of here before it floods."_

 _"What's the worst that could happen?"_

 _"You obviously haven't seen turians swim. It's a lot of flailing and splashing interrupted by occasional bouts of…_ drowning _."_

 _"You said you'd never let me go again."_

 _I still can't move and she won't let go of me. But I was right: it is flooding. As I realize the danger, I almost hear it around us…that terrifying mechanical roar we've all come to associate with imminent death. A moment later, we're both dragged under. Only now can I move. So I start doing everything I can to get back where there's air. But now she's the one that can't move. The only way either of us will reach the surface is if I let go._

 _"…you said you'd never let me go again…"_

 _"…I won't…I never will…I can't lose you again…" So I hold on…even as the water starts to reach my lungs and that nightmarish, thunderous sound echoes around us—_

"GARRUS!"

I'm shocked awake by a combination of my name being shouted in my ear and my back slamming against the wall with biotic force.

Two seconds later, my vision clears enough for me to see Liara crouching beside me. "Are you OK?! EDI called me up here. She said your vital signs were showing great distress. When I found you, you were…writhing in pain. It was like you couldn't breathe. I've been trying to wake you for the past two minutes."

I realize now that I am breathing hard. Like what happened in the dream was actually real. "I…I don't understand…"

"What happened?"

I bring my eyes up to meet hers and see her genuine, deep-seated concern for me. I owe her the truth. I sigh and let it out: "I was dreaming about Shepard."

She visibly reacts to this, her concern now flecked with sorrow. "And…how did this cause you such distress?"

I reluctantly relate everything to her, even mentioning how I've been hearing her voice since the attack as if she's reaching for me from somewhere.

Liara finally sighs, sitting down on the floor beside me and leaning against the wall with me. "It sounds as if some remnant of the poison is still within your bloodstream, causing hallucinations and violent seizures. You should probably speak with Dr. Chakwas. She has the data on the cure and can synthesize more if it's necessary—"

"That'll ease the physical pain," I counter, "What about the psychological?"

Liara has no answer for that.

I lean against the wall again. "How do you live with it, Liara?"

"Normally, I just bury myself in my work."

"Tried that. Doesn't work for me. Everything I do reminds me of _her_." I turn to look at her. "How am I supposed to go on like this?"

Liara simply looks at her hands on her knees. "I honestly don't know."

I follow her example and turn to look at my feet again. Like in the dream, I no longer have the will to fight it. My heart feels weak as the memories overflow, but now she is the only thing I can think about.

After what seems like hours, Liara stands up and holds her hand out.

I take it, letting her give me the strength to stand and lead me to the elevator and finally to the med bay. Once again, I move along almost mindlessly, weighted down by the memory of Commander Sara Shepard.

…she'd always had a fire to her…a rage that only displayed itself to her enemies but came out so forcefully that some people likened her to a krogan, including Wrex and Grunt themselves…not to mention a passion for life that few could match…one of the things I love and miss most about her…

I stand off to the side in saddened silence as Liara relates the situation to Dr. Chakwas. I listen distantly, not caring what they say.

…she had a spark of mischief as well…I remember watching as we entered the scientific facility on Sur'Kesh, as she examined a console only to be reprimanded and started poking it specifically to annoy the solider watching over the system…I remember how she liked to mess with me…I never thought I would miss it so much…

I devote some of my attention to the situation at present as Dr. Chakwas starts to examine me, but I fall back into the grief carelessly as she goes to interpret the data.

…she was smart, too…her strategy was what brought all of us through the suicide mission alive…she always seemed to know what had to be done…and she trusted all of us with her life…she was the greatest and wisest soldier I'd had the pleasure to know…that was why I came to respect her…and love her…

I think I'm staring off into space blankly. I must be fiddling with my hands nervously because I feel Liara place her fingers over mine to stop it. It feels nice to have a friend there for me… _she_ was my last.

…she was kindhearted before anything else…she did everything she could for everyone she could, refused to leave a man behind…the visions from the Prothean beacon really hurt her because of that…she even tried to save _Saren_ when the time came…she cared about all of us like family, took time off from preparing for the battle against the Collectors specifically to help each of us…that must be why she felt so much for me…why we became friends…and why I first began to fall in love with her…

"…this could be a problem…" I hear Dr. Chakwas say, bringing me out of the shadow of memory.

"What is it?" Liara asks.

"The toxin spread farther than we thought. That's why the single dose of the cure was only enough to free him from the comatose state but still left these side effects. We're going to need a constant stream of it over a course of three days, something we don't have the resources for."

"Let me worry about that. Just get the first dose and we can handle it from there."

"It's not just that. I think some sort of emotional distress is triggering the worst of it."

That gets my attention completely. "You're saying my grief is killing me?"

"To put it simply, yes."

I sigh. "Well. Now we do have a problem."

Liara looks at me. "I…I might be able to help you."

Good old Liara, always has an answer for everything. But I can't help wondering what she could have in mind that could possibly do anything to ease the pain. Still, I go along with it, not even bothering to chase away the memories flooding my senses. I don't notice Dr. Chakwas administering the antitoxin until it's already done and Liara is pulling me away again, this time to the XO office.

"Actually managed to keep Miranda out of your new quarters?" I smirk in an attempt to at least seem like my old self. The part of me that died with Shepard.

"Since it's still outfitted for the Shadow Broker," Liara explains as she shoos off Glyph, "we agreed her needs were better suited in the life support bunk, once it was equipped with a working console. But we're not here to talk about that, Garrus." Once Glyph is out of sight, she seals the door.

"So what do you have in mind?"

"…I believe I can connect my mind to yours and keep you from drowning in the memories further."

I look away. "You know about that?"

"Anyone could see it, Garrus. I know how much she meant to you and how much it hurt to lose her. I cared about her, too, even if not in the way you did. But she wouldn't want you to suffer like this."

I sigh. "No, you're right. She cared about us more than she cared about herself."

"Which is why she gave her life for us. But, most especially, for you."

I look at her again. "You really think you can help?"

"Believe it or not, it's common asari therapy, a method I myself have employed through the years. Besides, if we don't try, you might not wake up from the next attack."

I don't like the idea of having someone else in my mind. But Shepard trusted her to do it. _Four times_. And anything is better than killing myself with the grief. "So how does this work?"

"We'll just have to find out."

Right, 'cause that's not unnerving. Regardless, I signal for her to go ahead.

So she steps closer, closes her eyes… " _Embrace eternity_ …" …and opens them to reveal that they are now entirely black.

… _I can feel her inside me. Not Liara…_ Shepard _._

 _"…Sara…" That's all I can say before she takes my hand again. She fills my sight again, but this time it doesn't paralyze me. This time it's all the comfort I have in the galaxy. I feel her arms around me, pulling me closer as if I'm all the strength she has. There were times when the war was too much for her and that was the part I played: her strength. I longed to have those days back, not just to hold her in my arms again but for us to_ need _each other. I have it now. I know that she misses me as much I have missed her. The memory of our love doesn't matter now…not as much as it matters to stay in this moment._

It's both a second and an eternity before Liara breaks the connection. I can instantly tell how much it has taken out of her—just like when she translated the Prothean visions, even if not _as_ strenuous.

But I can't resist the urge to ask her: "I know you said you'd done this before but…it felt too real. How did you do that?"

"…when we connected…the night she died…I saw as much of her mind as she did of mine. I've carried that with me for a year now." She finally sighs and walks over to the bed. "I'm sorry. I need to rest."

"It's alright, I'll go." I start to walk over to the door but stop myself. I turn back to her. "Liara…"

She looks at me almost weakly.

"…thank you."

She gives me a gentle smile and turns her attention back to resting.

Now I leave. All the memories that have been torturing me for over a year have subsided to the inner corners of my mind again. The haunting, paralyzing thoughts I was filled with only an hour ago are now replaced by the feeling of her spirit inside my mind, alive because of what she left with us.

Instinctively, I head back to the main battery, more than ready to start calibrating it again. Instead, I start going through the console looking for something else to occupy my time. Eventually, I start conversing with old squad-mates over the COMMs. They all initially check on my wellbeing (each in their own way) before we start discussing the mission at hand and reminiscing the old ones.

It feels good to have my second family back again. Even if it is slightly damaged.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

It's been about three hours since my recovery. After going through the COMMs for a while, I eventually returned to work on the guns, correcting small mistakes that I missed in my earlier run due to my stress. I've not made it far when the COMM sparks to life again. I answer it. "Garrus here. What's the problem?"

 _"We have a mission," EDI's voice answers, "I believe my scans have located signs of the Black Shadows."_

I instantly drop everything. "Get everyone ready to move! We're going in!"

It takes only a few moments to get everyone down to the shuttle bay once we all hear that EDI's located the bad guys. Even Liara is pulled out of her period of rest to get ready for a fight. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. When have any of us ever turned down open combat?

But once we're all in the shuttle bay and waiting to close in on our target, there's a brief moment of silence in preparation. In that moment, it occurs to me that this is usually when Shepard would decide which of us was going in with her and that three-man team would take the mission. This time, we all get to go in and there's no Shepard.

I quickly push those thoughts away. I won't let them paralyze me again.

Liara takes my side as it comes down to the wire. "Are you ready for this?"

"That depends," I respond, "Are you?"

"As I'll ever be."

"Let's get this going," Miranda steps up as the others finish preparing, "EDI, what can you tell us?"

"We are approaching Korlus," EDI answers.

"Hmm," Grunt growls, "place I was born. Figures that's where the trouble starts."

"As most of you know, the three assassin squads that attacked me and Jeff, knowing that the rest of you would inevitably come to our aid, were mostly eliminated by the responding assault. One of them escaped. But not before I imprinted his readings into my memory. These scans are now acting as a sort of homing device. I have picked up their signal again. It is coming from a compound in the southern quadrant of Korlus."

"What should we expect?" Jacob asks.

"Dozens, possibly hundreds, of assassins whose sole current intent is to kill all of us by poisoning or simple gunshots."

"So pretty much the usual," Ashley remarks.

"Then we hit them back," Wrex steps up, "and hit harder than they can."

"Also per the usual."

"Let's get moving then," I say as I get my weapon ready, "How are we going in?"

"I am detecting three possible drop sites," EDI answers, "I suggest we split up and breech all of them at once. Not only do we divide and conquer, but we employ maximum surprise, which ultimately leads to maximum carnage."

"I'm starting to like you," Jack smirks.

There are 12 of us, so each squad has four members. Miranda, Wrex, Samara, and Jacob take the north drop site. Jack, Grunt, Liara, and James take the south. EDI, Ashley, Tali, and I go in from the west. The east is the only corner of the compound with no accessible entry point, which means that's probably where the fight's gonna end: all of us tearing through to that point and finding the leader or some means of locating him there. If we're lucky, maybe we'll take out the whole of the Black Shadows completely in this one assault, find our way to their employer, finish him off, be done with the mission, and all go home safe.

But we rarely ever get lucky like _that_.

The north squad gets dropped off first. We go in next, letting the south squad drop in last. The drop site itself is quiet.

That's never a good sign.

"As many times as we've been outright attacked on missions," Tali points out, "finding no one around is a little more disturbing."

"Be honest, Tali," I point out, "How many times have we gone in and _not_ been outright attacked?"

"As in 'how many times have we been the ones that shot first?'" She then thinks that over. "Actually, you have a point."

 _"Just get into position," Miranda interrupts over the COMMs, "We're at the door and we've got the charges set but we need to all go in at the same time for EDI's strategy to work. And, remember, no matter what,_ keep your COMMs on _at all times."_

 _"Who put the cheerleader in charge?" Jack snarls._

 _"Actually, she has a point," James intercedes, "Each squad has someone who's definitely in charge—you guys have Miranda, we have Liara, the west end has Garrus—but what if we need a group consensus or something? Do we all just ask EDI?"_

"I'd be more than willing to provide the necessary strategic input at all possible instances," EDI answers.

"I think that was a joke," I point out as I set the charges.

"Oh. Then I move that we establish a temporary commanding officer."

"First thought?" Ashley says, "We should've done that before we set out. Second thought? I vote Garrus."

"Uh…" I react hesitantly, "…that might not be the best idea."

 _"You do have the experience necessary," Miranda points out, "And Shepard trusted you above most of us to lead her backup squad before."_

 _"I can think of no one better," Liara agrees._

"Really," I say, "the last squad I led before that got killed."

 _"So whatever you did then…" Wrex suggests, "…don't do now."_

"Can we just get these doors open?!"

 _"Right," James sighs, "We're all set here."_

"Same here."

 _"Get ready then," Miranda says, "Garrus? I suppose we're waiting for_ your _signal now."_

 _I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be in charge. If anything goes wrong or the hallucinations come back before the mission's over, it's all on me. …no. No. I can do this. I won't let what happened on Omega happen again. Miranda's right: Shepard trusted me with this. I didn't let her down then. I won't do it now._ I get behind cover, letting EDI, Ash, and Tali follow. "Now!"

All three doors are blown open at the same time. Two seconds later, the bullets start flying.

I peer out of cover every few seconds to fire at the assassins on the other side. Every time I do, I see their count lessen dramatically, whether from my sniper shots, Tali's drone, Ashley's persistent attacks, or EDI and her decoy. We push forward every chance we get, careful not to stay out of cover too long. But once we've reached the door again, the squad we initially engaged has reached its final few…and called in backup.

The reinforcements remind me of Cerberus' Phantoms. They move with the same speed and agility but these are armed with blades treated with poison specifically meant to kill us _painfully_. Those instantly become our top priority. Of course, then another group is added to the mix: five more powerful Black Shadows armed with very strong weapons.

We quickly dodge the first wave's attacks. While we're tearing through the first guards and ensuring the swordsmen don't get too close, the five heavy-hitters start firing.

"Watch out!" EDI calls as soon as she has a reading on their weapons, "Most of these rounds are treated with poison like their blades. Don't let them take out your shields!"

 _"Easier said than done, EDI!" Jacob snaps back._

 _"Nothing is ever simple," Samara sighs._

"Samara," Ashley says, "I think you just gave us a name for our memoirs."

"Just keep pushing forward!" I give the order, sending Ashley a quick signal.

She catches on and pulls out a grenade, tossing it through the doors. Three seconds later, everyone who was firing at us is either dead, unconscious, or knocked aside with the force long enough for us to give the finishing blow.

"Patrol's cleared out on the west end," I report as we enter the complex, "Moving up now."

 _"Same here," Liara responds, "We're headed in."_

 _"Moving," Miranda says, "Don't get too far ahead of us."_

Of course, it's only one second after she says that that alarms begin going off all over the complex.

"I don't think that's the issue we need to worry about!" I tell Miranda, "What just happened?!"

"I believe we have been detected," EDI answered, "If we can find a working console, I may be able to hack into their systems and disable the alarms."

"By the time you get in, they'll be all over us." But even as I say it, I come up with a new plan. "Wait, can you hack automated defenses?"

"Yes."

"Perfect! Find a console and get in! We'll cover you!"

We instantly start moving towards the nearest security room. Of course, now that the entire base is aware that their security has been breached, assassins come at us at every turn. We keep pushing forward, taking them out as best we can and not letting up. It almost reminds me of storming the archives back on the Citadel.

 _"We're moving forward but they keep coming!" Liara reports, "And the automated defense system has been activated!"_

"Stay behind cover!" I direct them as we keep moving forward, staying out of range of the defenses in question, "We're almost to the controls!"

We duck through back doors for a while, avoiding as much heavy fire as we can. Finally, we reach a hall with a working security console.

"EDI, there!" I call, gesturing to the console.

She quickly moves to get into it. While she hacks the system, Tali, Ash, and I stand guard, keeping the approaching Black Shadows agents from getting to her and interfering. But, just our luck, it takes ten seconds for them to figure out what's going on and send in real reinforcements.

"Might wanna hurry up back there, EDI!" I say as we dodge enemy fire and start taking out more of the swordsmen.

"I am almost through," EDI responds, "In ten more seconds, I'll have full control."

"We might not have ten seconds!" Still, I keep at it, holding the oncoming and seemingly never-ending assassins at bay and telling myself we almost have an opening. Even as I do, I duck down behind the wall and take the chance to scope around. Then I see a real problem. An assassin we hadn't seen yet is just behind the wall opposite me, preparing to toss a cluster grenade right at us. "TAKE COVER!" I rush back over, pulling Ash and Tali back towards EDI as the explosion starts. But the concussive force still manages to knock us off our feet. That gives the assassins the window they need to take us out—

Suddenly, EDI's hacking attempts take full effect. The automated defenses come alive completely and switch targets. In two seconds, the Black Shadows' own security has opened fire on them, giving us the chance to get on the move.

"I've rewritten the IFF system their security is linked to," EDI explains as we reach the next hall, "and hacked their communications and network. We have full access to all of their systems remotely."

"Nice work, EDI," I say, "Liara, Miranda, what about you?"

 _"All clear," Miranda answers, "No major injuries. We're moving forward."_

 _"Same here," Liara adds._

"Good," I sigh, "I think we're almost through. EDI, did you locate the main controls?"

"The layout of the base indicates that our teams will meet up at the doors to the central chamber," EDI says, "Our target should be on the other side."

"Keep moving. We'll rendezvous there and end this."

So we keep moving. We move past the main halls, where the Shadows are being torn apart by their own security, and straight to the rendezvous point. When we finally reach the door EDI mentioned, the other two teams have caught up with us.

"Have fun back there?" I smirk to them.

"More than we've had in a long time," Wrex answers, gleefully.

"Well, be ready. We don't know what's behind this door." Once I'm certain everyone is prepared for whatever could be waiting for us, I bypass the lock on the door and lead us in.

The only shadows we see are those cast by light of several computer monitors.

I lead the team towards the monitors, only allowing us to stow our weapons once we're in position and still not encountered by resistance. "Looks like we're in the clear. EDI, can you hack their systems?"

EDI nods and steps up, accessing everything through her omni-tool. "Transferring all accessible data now. I believe I can reach the information on their current contract but the file is triple-encrypted. I will need time to decrypt it."

"How much time?"

"In short, it would be faster aboard the _Normandy_."

"Right. Take it then. We'll head back to the ship once we're done. It doesn't look like there's much else for us here."

EDI turns back to her work. "Transferring data. We should be able to—"

Suddenly, something flies over our heads and pierces the central control unit of the monitors' systems, cutting off all access to the database.

"LOOK OUT!" Liara cries, whirling around to cast up a biotic barrier around us as more of the projectiles come flying at us.

I take the brief moment she provides to investigate what disabled the systems. _An arrow?!_ I snatch the shaft from the wall before looking to EDI. "Did you get the files?"

"Most of them," EDI answers, "but the signal has been cut off and cannot be reestablished. Some of the data cannot be recovered."

"Who hit us?" Ashley asks.

In answer to her question, one final arrow strikes through Liara's barrier, taking it down. I quickly follow its trajectory and see a shadowy figure on a balcony overhead, aiming at us with a bow. Before Samara or Jack can replace Liara's barrier, I pull my gun back out and open fire. Our attacker ducks out of the way before the bullets can pierce anything but shields, finally jumping through a window and back into the halls.

"After them!" I give the order even as I start the chase, the others following behind me. We rush through the halls after the bolting shadow (Black Shadow or not—can't tell yet), right on their heels until they start opening fire again. Some of us respond to every arrow with a gunshot, but those seem to be just as easily deflected as the more primitive projectiles. We finally race through the northern exit.

That's when the chase goes wrong. Our attacker pulls an arrow and fires right over us, hitting a lever that's been holding a platform of shipping crates. As soon as I see this, I push Tali and Ash out of the way, calling to everyone else to "MOVE!" We all manage to get out of the way, some biotics managing to hold off most of the physical damage, but what doesn't kill us slows us down enough for our attacker to reach the transport area, where a shuttle is fast approaching.

I quickly pull out my sniper rifle and start lining up a shot.

But what I see though the scope is the last thing I expected. My runaway target is a human woman…with red hair and bright green eyes.

I freeze, the rifle lowering in my hands as she disappears.

"What happened?!" Grunt demands as he storms over, "You had 'em in your sights! Why didn't you take the shot?!"

I don't pay any attention to any of them. My mind is focused completely on who I just saw… "…Shepard?"


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Ever since we came back to the _Normandy_ , I've been pacing the main battery, wondering at what I saw.

Commander Sara Shepard. _Alive_! How?!

We all saw the Crucible go off. Nothing should've been able to survive a release of that much energy—not at the focal point of it all. The Citadel itself was so severely damaged that it took five months just to get it back to the Serpent Nebula. And everyone was searching during the repairs. Unless she was in the piles of human remains everywhere in those tunnels, she was nowhere to be found, certainly not alive.

 _No, Garrus, don't think like that. You're torturing yourself. You saw her! She was alive! …where has she been for the past year? Why didn't she come see me? …and why did she attack us?_

The more I think about it, the less it makes sense. At first, I was aching to be overjoyed at the thought of her being out there somewhere.

 _"The only thing that made leaving Earth bearable was knowing you were out there somewhere."_

 _"I felt the same way. The worst part about the galaxy going to hell would have been never getting to see you again."_

Then I realized what had happened, started wondering how and why. Once you let your mind go that way, it doesn't come back without answers. And answers are nowhere to be found here.

I can't take this anymore. I have to distance myself from the battery, take my mind somewhere else. I start to walk towards the mess area. As soon as I come close to the partition between our impromptu meeting room and the central hall, I hear what the others are saying.

"…could it be possible?" Joker is saying, "I mean, we all saw what happened but…well…"

"Garrus is the only one who saw her face before the shuttle flew off," Tali explains, "But I trust his eyes."

"Even now?" Jacob asks, "From what I hear, he's been _hallucinating_."

"You heard what EDI said," Miranda says, "What data she was able to recover and decrypt on their current contract says to 'eliminate Shepard's crew.' Shepard is the link after all. It makes more sense to target us if Shepard is alive than if she's dead."

"Look, Vakarian and I might not always agree," James points out, "but Miranda's got a point. And really, what are the odds?"

"Come on!" Jack finally snaps, "He said he saw our Alliance commander, who _died_ last year, running away with a group of assassins _who have been trying to KILL us_! Liara said it herself, the grief was killing him so hard he would've traded his sanity for one more minute with her. What are the odds that's what's happening now?"

That does it. In a millisecond of anger, I hit a plate lying on the table I stand beside, tossing it at the wall of the med bay. As the others look to the source of the resulting clatter, I head past them and straight to the elevator. Liara is the one who finally realizes what happened. She quickly rushes to catch up to me. I see her approach just as the doors close.

My anger fades in a few seconds as the elevator takes me up to deck 1. As I reach my destination, I start returning to the question, this time determined to reach an answer if only to spite the others for what they said.

I start pacing again, across the captain's cabin now, trying to piece this all together. We don't know what happened with the Crucible, what it did that made the Reapers retreat, or what Shepard did that set it off. We don't know that she really died, we never found a body. For all we know, she got stranded somewhere across the galaxy with amnesia. For all we know, we've been grieving for her for nothing!

…but maybe they're right. It doesn't make sense. She tried to kill us. And she used a bow and arrows to do it. That's not my Sara. She did enjoy using an omni-blade, yes, but her assault rifle was her baby (as much as my sniper rifle is mine). As far as I know, she never touched such crude weaponry in her life.

…it wasn't her. I thought it was, but…but she's really gone.

 _Oh, no. It's another clone. It has to be. There's no other explanation. There was another clone—no memories of Sara Shepard, tried to kill us. I don't believe this._

I sit down on her bed, not knowing what to believe anymore. I don't know which possibility is worse now: that there was another clone Miranda didn't know about, one that's now taunting us with the memory of my love in order to kill us…or that the woman I loved is alive and so lost that she would sooner kill me than believe we ever had something together.

I turn my gaze aside and find it falling on the bedside table. A picture frame rests there. Curiously, I reach over to pick it up and find that it holds a copy of the picture we took at the party on the Citadel, all of us together…me and Shepard side by side, her hands in mine. I set it back in its place gently, as if putting it anywhere besides where she'd left it would break the glass. I sigh and lean back on the bed, placing my hand over where she once laid in my arms, clinging to the memory of the person I once knew. Oddly, one memory in particular stands out to me now…

 _A few days after the suicide mission, we were lying in her bed together, one of those moments when we were able to simply enjoy each other's company. I don't know how long we were lying there. Time had no meaning when we did._

 _"I wish we could stay like this forever," she said as she pulled closer to me._

 _"Say the word and we can," I told her, placing my arm around her waist._

 _But she began to pull away. Finally, she pushed my arm away and sat up._

 _I pulled myself up to look at her, finding that she seemed sad. I took her hand to comfort her. "What's wrong?"_

 _She looked at me sadly, the bright spark gone from her green eyes. "I'm going to tell the others in the morning. I might as well tell you now. You deserve to know first…tomorrow's our last night together."_

 _Those words struck me hard. I pulled my hand away from hers. "What?"_

 _She seemed hurt by my retreat and turned her gaze away from mine. "We were working with Cerberus, Garrus. I've done things I need to answer for. When we're done exploring the galaxy tomorrow, I'm dissolving the team. I'm going to tell Joker to start taking us around for the last time and dropping everyone off. Then we're going back to Earth, I'm handing the_ Normandy _over to the Alliance, and I'm turning myself in for judgment." She finally looked back at me again. "I have to do this, Garrus. You're military, you understand."_

 _I did understand. I just didn't want to believe it. But instead of saying that, I turned to look at the floor. "I just wish there was another way. Everything is…pretty much perfect right now. I wish there was some way we_ could _stay like this forever."_

 _"I want that, too. But we just can't." She reached over and took my hand. "Where are you going to go?"_

 _I considered that for a moment._ I can't go back to Omega—too many bad memories and too many people trying to kill me. I want to go to Earth with her, but she's right to dissolve the team first since we would be facing deep judgment as well—possibly deeper than hers. I suppose I could always go back to the Citadel, but what's the point anymore? No, there's only one place in the galaxy for me now… _"…Palaven. It's time for me to go home."_

 _She understood that. She placed her other hand against mine and leaned her head against my shoulder. "I wish I could go with you. I wish I could see your world."_

 _"And I wish I could see yours."_

 _"But, hey, this isn't goodbye forever. We'll see each other again someday."_

 _"We'd better." That's when I turned to face her. "…I love you, Shepard."_

 _She smiled back, the spark returning to her eyes. "I love you, too, Vakarian." She then pulled me in and kissed me._

The memory hurts. Now more than ever, it makes me remember the feeling when I thought I'd lose her in a way I couldn't take. She was my strength after what happened on Omega, so I was hers during the war. But now it's her turn to play the strong one and she's not here. It leaves me longing even more to hold her in my arms again. …it's like I can almost hear her voice…

As soon as those thoughts go through my head, I realize it's exactly how I was feeling when I got attacked by the remains of the poison. _Guess it's time to see Dr. Chakwas and Liara again._ I sigh and force myself off to do so.

When I get to the med bay, I pass through the mess area. I'm glad to see that the meeting has dispersed. I can't face them. Not now. It's against my better judgment I'm heading off to see Liara after this. Still, I head into the med bay.

Dr. Chakwas seems to be waiting for me. "Garrus. Perfect timing. Liara just sent me over a sample of the antidote." She hands it to me. "Remind me to ask her how she managed to get it next time we see each other."

 _Something tells me it involved a few Shadow Broker trades,_ I smirk to myself as I take the sample and head out. I go straight across the mess to the XO office and, after I'm done with the antidote, head inside.

Liara seems to be waiting for me. "Garrus! I'm sorry, we didn't mean…I shouldn't have told them about the attacks, especially not Jack. I should've just—"

"It's fine, Liara," I finally cut her off, "If I'm going to be leading the team through this mission, they deserve to know."

She understands that. "Right. Of course. Still, that only means that we should also never have been having that conversation behind your back. We should have…well…"

"On that count, you're right, T'Soni. Not that I could've been entirely objective about this or that any of you were wrong."

She sighs. "Talking about this is no good for either of us. We should be focused on your therapy."

"And probably finding a better word for it," I comment, "'Therapy' makes it sound like I have some kind of disease."

"It's only going to last a few days. Too short a time to worry about it." She finally sets her work aside and comes closer. "Are you ready?"

"No. But do it anyway."

She nods and closes her eyes…

… _I feel her beside me again. I feel her wrap her arms around me and place her head on my shoulder just like I remembered only a moment ago. I reach my arm around and place it over hers, holding her close as we watch a sun setting in the distance._

 _After I get used to the sensation of having her close again, I realize that it's Palaven's sun we're watching._

I step away from Liara as the vision fades. "How did you—"

"It was no secret you both wanted to see Palaven together someday," Liara answers even as the weariness sets in again, "I didn't realize until our minds connected that…it was your deepest wish with her."

I cling to the thought, stow it in my memories as if it truly happened. I've never wanted to remember a dream so much. I smirk to myself at the thought. "…I didn't know either."

"Well…I guess we can always hope you did see her. Maybe you'll get to live out that dream someday."

I nod. "Or maybe we'll get to really visit Earth."

Liara smiles. "Hold to those thoughts, Garrus. Take all the hope you can get." She then sighs, placing a hand to her head as if she has suddenly gotten dizzy. "I should probably rest."

"Guess I'll head to the crew quarters to rest myself," I say in response.

"Actually…" Liara seems to hesitate with what she wants to say, looking at the hands she clasps together. "…maybe it would be best if you stay in Shepard's cabin. It's appropriate since you are mission leader and…I think it's helping your emotional state."

I honestly don't know what to say to that. My first thought is that it'd be wrong for me to take her place there. My next is that Liara's truly and completely right. Finally, I just say "Yeah. I guess you're right."

Liara just nods before heading for her bed.

I quickly exit the room and head back for the elevator. I don't pass anyone on the way. I just head in and go back up to deck 1 again. I lie down in Shepard's bed and, once again, fall asleep there and dream of her…

 _Yet again, the dream is a visitation to one of my most cherished memories of her. But this one is different._

 _I walk past several patrons on the dance floor to the casino bar. I find her sitting there._

 _She smiles at me flirtatiously. "So. A turian on shore leave. You come here often?"_

 _Noting distantly how she tosses a glance at a female turian nearby as if telling her to back off, I wonder at what her greeting means. "Is this that, uh…'first date' thing we talked about?" She tosses a look at me now, as if to say "Yes, now play along!" "Got it. Yes. Yeah…oh, I come here often. Good place to blow off steam. Scenery's not bad either." After looking around, I turn my gaze entirely on her, throwing on as much turian "charm" as I can muster. "Though the view in front of me is even better."_

 _She scoffs at me, though she can't hide the fact that she knows how much I mean it. "That supposed to melt a girl's heart?"_

 _"No, but this voice is." I lean in closer, playing the part as best I can: "I'm Garrus Vakarian. Codename: Archangel. All-around turian bad boy and dispenser of justice in an unjust galaxy."_

 _She gives me such a stoic look that I can't tell if she's genuinely unimpressed or trying with all the restraint she has not to burst out laughing at me._

 _"Also, I kill Reapers on the side. And you are?"_

 _"Commander Shepard. Alliance Navy."_

 _"Shepard, huh? I might have heard a few things about you."_

 _"Oh? Flatter me."_

 _"Word is you're smart, sexy, a wicked shot. Also…you kill Reapers on the side, too."_

 _"Uh-huh. And do most girls fall for that?"_

 _"Well, sure, you know…this voice and, uh…and, uh…I'm running out of banter here, Shepard."_

 _"Make it up," she whispers as if someone she wants to fool is eavesdropping on us, "Remember, we just met."_

 _"Right. Yeah, I mean…" I think over my options, but I still don't know what to say. Then I glance over at the dance floor again and, switching back to the voice I was using a moment ago, act on a whole new plan: "…yeah. All the girls fall for it. Let me show you." I get up and grab her by the arm._

 _She instantly panics. "What-What are you doing?"_

 _I answer by pulling her out of her seat. "It'll be fun!" Then I drag her over to the dance floor as the perfect song begins._

 _She instantly realizes what I'm doing and starts fighting my grip on her. "Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no! No!"_

 _Too late. I wrap my arms around her and put her in position, starting the dance before she can get away. "Been taking lessons on the side," I say as I guide her steps._

 _"You're gonna pay for this later," she snaps under her breath._

 _I answer that by, keeping hold of her hand, turning her loose and then pulling her back in. "Promises, promises."_

 _She responds to that by placing her foot where mine is about to go, causing me to stumble in her arms. After I catch myself, I pull her back in and start leading her through it. We continue stepping for a few seconds before I let go and spin her. When I take her back in my arms, she pulls_ me _into position…and pulls her leg up against mine so that her knee is at my hip. I smirk at her and take a step back so that we're locked together. Ignoring the looks and murmurs this move draws from everyone else in the room as our dance gains in passion and an audience, we keep up our motions for a moment before beginning to step in time with each other. She starts moving with precision, keeping rhythm with the music and matching every move I make with one of her own. Finally, she giggles—something I almost never hear—and swings her leg around before keeping to my side._

 _"Now you're getting it," I say almost joyfully as we keep moving, wrapped up in each other._

 _Once we've been in motion together for a few seconds, I set her loose again, letting her spin across the dance floor. When she is opposite me, her eyes locked on mine, she waves me over enticingly. I then pull her back in, setting us into a series of turns across the floor. After a brief moment, the music begins winding down and we slow our steps to match it. As the final notes stretch out, she stretches her leg out, presses it to my side again, and clings to me as I, my arm around her waist, lower her halfway to the floor._

 _I smile with a small laugh as the song ends completely and our enamored audience applauds us. "So, tell me, think a girl would fall for that?"_

 _She smiles back as she leans back up to me, not letting go of her hold on me, lowering her leg back to the floor, or taking her eyes away from mine. "Just as long as it's the one standing in front of you."_

 _I smirk back. "You know it. And it gets even better when you try it in bed."_

I wake up slowly, the memory still rushing through my mind. I wish I could relive that moment for the rest of my life.

 _"…I wish we could do last night all over again…and again…and again…"_

I pull myself up in the bed, looking around the room passively as I do.

…something's different.

I start looking around for something that's changed, something wrong. No one's here. The fish and the hamster are the same as how I left them. Nothing's been moved.

Then I close my eyes and I know what it is. It's not what I'm seeing that different but what I'm hearing. The song we danced to is playing over the cabin's music system.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

I spend the rest of the night either reliving my dream of taking Shepard to Palaven or overflowing with emotion at the thought of her setting the song we danced to into her music system. When I'm finally at a point where my mind is free to focus on it, I call home to my father and sister and check in on them. Things are going well enough back home, but they're worried about me. _As well they should be._ But I just tell them we're fine, that I can handle anything with this team at my side. I almost— _almost_ —want to open up to them, tell them about what I saw at the Black Shadows' base on Korlus and everything that's been going on with me. I don't. I know better.

After the conversation is over and we end communications, I start working up the nerve to go down to the lower decks. I have to face them sooner or later if this mission is going to work out. We can't be nursing grudges at a time like this. I need to talk to all of them, show them I can still lead us through this, before we get another lead. I just don't know if I can convince them I'm even still fit for duty.

I'm not even sure I can convince myself I am.

I start at deck 2. There's no one to worry about there but Joker and EDI. I can handle that.

I come out of the elevator and make my way through the CIC to the bridge. As I head over there, I pass the airlock. I can't keep myself from stopping there and watching as memories begin returning again.

 _"We're going by Palaven soon," Shepard said, "All ashore that's going ashore."_

 _"You're sure you don't wanna come with me?" I asked her, "You could drop by long enough to see where I came from. In fact, you could come meet my family. For that matter, my dad is friends with the Primarch and I might be able to convince him to offer you political asylum."_

 _Shepard smirked at me. "I wish, Garrus. But, for now, I'm content with the view from here. And, if I'm right, it's better for both of us if you head home alone."_

 _I turned my gaze down to my feet, thinking over her words. They were true, I knew it. Knew it, but couldn't believe it. I finally reached over and took her hand. "I don't want to leave you like this."_

 _"I know. I don't want it either. But, hey." She placed her other hand to my face, turning my gaze back to meet hers. "This isn't goodbye forever, remember? We'll see each other again someday."_

 _As she lowered her hand, I placed my other hand over the one I was already holding, keeping my eyes on hers. "I'll hold you to that."_

I shake the memory away. I'm trying to convince the team that I can go through the mission without losing myself like that. I can't afford to let the memories overtake me again.

Of course, with my mental state the way it is, I'm not certain the alternative is much better either.

Finally, I force myself into the bridge.

EDI, naturally, is the first to notice my presence. "Hello, Garrus. I am currently in the process of storing your calibrations into my memory banks so that they cannot be undone later. It may save you time in the future."

I smirk at her. "Thanks, EDI."

"So, uh…" Joker sets the auto-pilot long enough for him to turn his chair around to face me. "…you heard what we said earlier, huh?"

"Yeah. I did."

"Hey, I'm on your side. Not saying you aren't crazy, but I always kind of thought you were. Doesn't mean you can't still aim."

"I have taken the liberty of doing medical scans," EDI says, "Though I cannot detect psychological damage, your current state of health should in no way impair your combat capabilities. And, judging by what I observed on Korlus, you are still fit to lead the team if only for the duration of this mission."

"Yeah…so…" Joker finally comes out with it: "Do you really think you saw Shepard?"

I don't know how to answer. "I'm not sure anymore. I think it might have been another clone."

"Oh, great, like one wasn't enough. And just like the last one, for that matter, still trying to kill you."

"Trying. Not succeeding."

"Well, obviously, what with you standing here and all. But we all know you're gonna win. Never lost before. Not with Shepard, not on Omega, not even fighting solo on Menae."

I nod, knowing he's right. "Yeah. We'll make it. We always do." Those are the wrong words to say. Those remind me of Shepard again.

 _"There's only so much fight in a person," she told me, "only so much death you can take before…"_

 _"…before a certain turian with no romantic skills to speak of tries to cheer you up?" I smirked to her, "We'll get through this. We always do."_

I sigh, pushing the memories back again. "Come on. Let's get back to work."

"Right," Joker says, turning back to the controls, "On it."

I then make my way back to the elevator and head down to the shuttle bay. If I have to face Wrex and James, I might as well get it over with.

When I come out in the shuttle bay, the first thing I see is the shuttle. Unfortunately, that reminds me of the skycars on the Citadel. Like the one in which I drove Shepard to the top of the Presidium.

 _"Ever have that one thing you always wanted to do before you died, Shepard?" I asked her._

 _"I've woken up with a turian next to me," she smirked back._

I shake it off. _Not now. Not here. I have to face this later. Right now, I've got two other problems to worry about._ I step past the armory and over to James' makeshift cabin, which Wrex is currently hanging around.

"I'm just saying," Wrex is saying as he observes James messing with the weaponry, "the Claymore is better."

"Except I'm not a krogan!" James retorts, "I don't wanna break my arm off in the middle of a fight!"

"If you're in the middle of a fight and don't have the right weapons, you'll lose a lot more than an arm."

"I see you two are getting along," I smirk as I step over.

"Yeah, yeah." James shakes his head. Then he turns to look at me. "Look, about what we said…"

"It's fine. You have every right to—"

"Ah, what does it matter if you're crazy or not?" Wrex points out, "Like I told Shepard, sometimes crazy is the best way to go. I've seen you in action, Garrus. Still going strong. That's good enough for me."

"Yeah," James nods, "And me, too. You don't have to worry about doubt coming from me, Vakarian. We've covered each other before and we'll keep doing it now."

So I finish the exchange and head on my way back to the elevator to head up to engineering, all the while thinking _That went_ a lot _better than I thought it would._

The first place I head to in engineering is the portside cargo hold. Seeing as how I just managed to deal with one krogan, might as well finish with the other while I can.

I find Grunt looking over his weapons as if he's getting ready to dive headlong into another fight already. Fair enough, I guess.

"Settling in, I see," I remark as I take a few steps closer.

I make it across about three of those steps before Grunt picks up his shotgun and tosses me a brief glare. "Let's get this straightened out now. I don't have as much of a problem with turians as I once did. And I respect you as a fellow warrior, one I have fought beside, and as the brood-mate of my battle-master. But if you do something stupid again, I might not be able to resist the urge to shoot you like I did yesterday."

I give him a look, folding my arms at him. "As long as you remember I'll be shooting back if you do."

"Heh," he laughs briefly as he sets his weapon down, "I see you took some notes from Shepard. I like that. Watch your back, though. Never know what could come after you next."

"I'm sure whatever it is, you can kill it."

Grunt then does his signature laugh and turns back to his personal armory.

So I leave the room, remembering—and now fully understanding—why Shepard said her talks with Grunt got less amusing as time went by. I then brace myself, knowing I'm walking into something even worse, and head down to the cargo area under the drive core.

Jack is leaning against some crates when I walk in. "Hey, Garrus."

"Jack."

"So, what, you just drop in to say 'hi'?"

"Look, about what happened yesterday—"

"Don't bother. I'm over it. Still think you're out of your mind, but I'm not really one to talk. I know what it's like to have a few screws loose. In my experience, sometimes it actually helps. Go chasing after your dead girlfriend all you want. As long as it doesn't get us killed, I couldn't care less."

I just look at her, not sure what to say. Definitely as rough and hurtful as I was expecting, yet she still managed to surprise me. It makes me think of meeting her at Grissom Academy, seeing how much the students had changed her and, at the same time, how surprisingly little was different.

 _"Charming as ever," I remarked._

 _"Ah, bite me, Garrus!" she snapped, "Better yet, bite_ her _." She nodded pointedly to Shepard when she said that. "Probably how she likes it."_

Oddly enough, that's pretty much the fondest memory I have of her.

I smirk to myself at that thought, suppressing the urge to snicker, and wave her off as I leave the area. I head back up the stairs and through to the main engineering area. I glance in and find that Tali isn't even there. _That's weird. Guess she's on the crew deck._ So I head back to the elevator and take it up from deck 4.

As the elevator doors open to deck 3, I am forced to face the very sight I have been avoiding since my first day back on the ship: the memorial wall.

I don't bother trying to get away this time. I let myself get roped in to the memory of that day 13 months ago…

 _"You've gotta get out of here."_

 _"And you've gotta be kidding me!"_

 _"Don't argue, Garrus."_

 _"We're in this to the end!"_

 _"No matter what happens here…you know I love you. And I always will."_

 _"Shepard, I…love you, too."_

 _"GO!"_

 _I barely remember anything after the_ Normandy _took off. I remember, vaguely, being carried through to the med bay. I remember blacking out as the ship started to move. And I remember waking up an hour later._

 _I probably shocked awake from a nightmare of some sort, because I nearly fell out of the medical bed when I did. "SHEPARD!"_

 _Liara came to my side a few seconds later. "Garrus! Calm down. You're still recovering."_

 _"Shepard! Where is she?!"_

 _Liara turned away, the sorrow heavy in her eyes. "…she activated the Crucible. It sent out some of kind of energy wave that…_ rewrote _the Reapers. They retreated. But when we pulled back from the blast, we got caught in the force of it and shot down on a distant planet. We're making repairs now, but we'll be stuck here for a while. The relays were severely damaged but—"_

 _"_ Liara _…" I could tell something was really wrong. It was bad enough she was avoiding answering my question. It was worse that I could tell by the look in her eyes that I wasn't going to like the answer. But the thought of what that answer was… "…where is she?"_

 _Liara finally forced herself to come out with it, the words bringing tears to her eyes: "…she was on the Citadel when the Crucible was activated. She was at the center of the blast. She…she's gone, Garrus."_

 _As much damage as I had taken on that battlefield, as much pain as I was enduring from the injuries I sustained from Harbinger's attack, those three words hurt me more than anything I had ever been through before. "…no…"_ No. No! NO! She can't be dead! She can't be! …she can't… _I turned to face the wall, clutching the bed I was on. "…get out."_

 _Liara didn't try to argue with me at all. She left the med bay without another word. I could tell distantly that she was headed to the XO office to mourn._

 _I stayed where I was, drowning in grief, unwilling to move, thinking I'd never recover. How could I recover from this? How was I supposed to go on without her? She was my everything._

 _I recovered from the physical pain relatively fast. I didn't even notice it with the emotional pain running so deep. I was on my feet in a matter of hours. The first place I went after leaving the med bay was to the memorial wall. As the others gathered around me—Joker, EDI, Ashley, Tali, James, Liara—I looked at the names of the friends left behind. I watched distantly as Ashley and James placed Admiral David Anderson's name at the center of the memorial wall. I was shocked out of my grief-induced stupor when Ashley handed me the second name for the wall._

 _When I looked at her, she gave me a look of sympathy, mirroring my sorrow even if to a far lesser degree than I felt. "You should be the one to put it up."_

 _I looked down at the name in my hands as Ashley retook her place in our makeshift procession. I finally brought myself to step closer to the memorial. I looked at the inscription on the plate I held—COMMANDER SHEPARD—and ran my fingers over the letters, the closest thing I now had to feeling her. At last, I held it up and placed it on the wall over Admiral Anderson's name. Then I joined the others in mourning once again._

… _she's gone…she's really gone forever…_

I don't bother trying to push those thoughts away. On the contrary, I place my hand over her place on the memorial again, once again racked with grief at the thought that I would never again hear her voice, see her smile, fight at her side, or hold her in my arms. Even now, I'm haunted by her memory in the worst way I can imagine. It's unbearable.

I have to do whatever it takes to stop this clone. Not only will it save my second family, it'll avenge my lost love. It won't give me peace. But maybe it'll give me satisfaction.

I force myself away from the wall. If we're going to finish this mission, I need to finish convincing the crew that we can. So I head to the crew quarters. …no one there? I look around, confused. I back out and head to the life support deck. I disregard the XO office—I've already said all I can and all I need to say to Liara. I open the doors to life support and look in for Miranda. I see her things set up in the bunk that once belonged to Thane, but I don't see her. But as I step back, I hear something from the nearby observation deck.

Is that laughter?

I curiously open the door and sneak in.

Everyone who had established their stations on the crew deck—Liara, Miranda, Jacob, Samara, and Ashley—and Tali are collected there, all laughing (except Samara, who simply smiles when the time comes) as they remember our past adventures.

"And remember that time Shepard found out it was my birthday and tried to throw that surprise party with the rest of the crew?" Tali is asking.

"It was a good party, considering the circumstances," Miranda comments.

"The best part was when Legion got all confused. What was it he said?"

"I believe it was," Samara answers, "'We do not understand the purpose of this gathering. Do we merely celebrate the fact that she has survived extreme circumstances for 24 years?'"

"And I believe Shepard's exact response," Jacob adds, "was 'Yeah, pretty much.'"

Tali then notices me standing by the door. "Garrus!" She quickly jumps to her feet. "We were just…"

"Reminiscing without me?" I say, stepping into their circle and taking a seat by Ashley.

"Look, about what we said…" she sighs as she retakes her seat.

"It's fine, Tali," I say, "You have every right to doubt my judgment under present circumstances. I just wanted you to know that I'm still ready and willing, no matter what happens."

"Oh, there was never any doubt in our minds about _that_ ," Ashley comments, "Sometimes, Scars, I wonder if you go seeking out the danger. Of course, you probably got that from Shepard."

I just smirk at her. "She did have a habit of that, didn't she?"

"You don't have to worry about me doubting you, Garrus, not ever," Tali says, reaching over to place her hand on mine, "Shepard trusted you. That's all that matters to me."

I look at her hand, resisting the flow of memories her words invoke, refusing to think how much her friendly gesture reminds me of _her_ touch. Then I place my other hand over hers and instead say "Thank you, Tali."

"We've got your back, Garrus," Jacob says, "You can count on it."

"I do not doubt your abilities, Garrus," Samara adds, "And I, for one, trust your judgment under any circumstances. I will follow you as I once followed Shepard. If I am to do so, there can be no room for distrust."

Miranda sighs. "I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm the one who brought her back the first time, never hesitated to think it was possible, and even I don't think what you saw could be real. Though I have to admit we've seen worse. But, as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't change anything. The assassins are coming after us and we have to stop them. Someone has to lead the mission and, right now, our best chance is still you. So we'll see it through. And if there are any consequences, we'll face them when they come."

"Couldn't have said it better myself," Liara smiles. Then she looks at me, letting her feelings show: "You know how I feel, Garrus. Nothing has changed."

So I turn to the last person in the room to say something.

Ashley just looks at me for a second before sighing and coming out with it: "My family would never believe I'm saying this to a turian, but of all the people in the galaxy, I think I trust you the most. For that matter, the only people outside my family that I trust at all are the ones on this ship. And I know you're under a lot of stress, that Shepard's death was harder on you than anyone else, but…you haven't let us down so far. So I'm with you, for all it's worth." She then faces me with full seriousness: "But if you do something stupid, I can't guarantee I won't shoot you in the leg."

"Grunt's probably gonna beat you to it," I comment, "There might be a line."

She laughs, the others following.

I smirk at the exchange. It feels right. In a few moments, I'm caught in the wave of memories in a new way: the way not of a broken heart but of friends looking back on "the good old days." "Do you remember the time Mordin tried inspecting Jack's biotic amp?"

Jacob laughs. "I thought those two were gonna tear the whole engineering deck apart!"

"I was so terrified!" Tali laughs, "Stuff was exploding all around the drive core! He was just trying to make sure she didn't overload and she responded by throwing all the crates around! And what does he do? His defense strictly involves 'attempting neural shock!'"

"It wouldn't have been so bad if Grunt didn't get tired of the noise and them fighting without him," Miranda comments, smirking at them, "He jumped in right when it was getting worst, just before the rest of us could get down there and intervene. I thought for sure he was gonna get into a blood rage and start tearing their limbs off. Turns out, he was the best way of breaking that up. No one saw that coming."

"Well, if he couldn't do it, Shepard could," Liara says, "She always knew what was best for her crew. And she had the strength of a krogan."

That comment leads us all to laugh again. We spend the next few hours remembering all the missions and misadventures of the crew during our time fighting the Collectors and the Reapers. I enjoy every minute of it. I barely notice when the others start coming in to see what's going on and join in. This ends up being one of the best moments we've had since returning to the ship we practically call home. It still feels a little bit emptier without Shepard around. But I know she'd want us to be happy together. I don't regret letting my grief fade even for a moment. My only real regret is that she can't join in.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

I completely lose track of time as the squad gathers in the observation deck. As we bounce stories back and forth of the "good old days," I stop caring what time it is. It's nice to get lost in the memories without being consumed by grief in the process. This is what I've been needing. If I can't have Shepard back, at least I can have this.

"…and did you guys hear Mordin through the walls around the tech lab, too?" Tali is asking, "I was in just the right position on the engineering deck to hear him singing while he was testing samples."

"Oh, yeah, Shepard told me about that," I say, "What was it…'Gilbert and Sullivan'?"

"You mean your salarian sang 19th-century human opera in the lab?!" James asks.

"All the time," Jack groans.

"Everyone always said he was a little crazy," Miranda says.

"'A little'?!"

"True, but he was a real hero to a lot of people for curing the genophage," Wrex comments, "In a few months, we'll have more little krogan running around than we will varren." He groaned. "Most of which are my fault."

"You get used to it, Wrex," Jacob smirks, "Maybe someday we can even have one of these get-togethers with the family."

I don't get the chance to even realize what those words are doing to me before the grief starts seeping back into my mind. I just barely keep back the thoughts of my conversation with Shepard, of our plans for retirement…and children. I hold the memories at bay. But the emotions accompanying it won't go away so easily.

Apparently, I'm not doing such a good job of hiding that, because the suddenly quiet room—filled with laughter for the past few hours—lets several of the others realize something's wrong.

Not surprisingly, Liara is the one who figures out the problem. "Oh! Garrus, we didn't—"

"It's fine," I bring myself to say, shaking away my thoughts so I can remind myself of the truth as well: "We couldn't have anyway."

The silence descending on us takes hold completely then. None of us have any idea what to do now.

Finally, Ashley starts looking around at each of us. "Well, someone say something! This just got way too serious!"

As if in answer, EDI's omni-tool beeps. She checks it. "Uh oh."

"'Uh oh' what?!" I instantly demand.

"Oh, just a minor life support malfunction. _I_ will survive."

We all start glaring at her, desperately hoping she'll say…

"That was a joke."

Crisis averted.

I bring myself to give her a look. "What is it really?"

"I have just finished decrypting what data we were able to recover from the Black Shadows' network before the connecting systems were disabled," EDI explains as she scrolls through the data and shows us the most important parts: "Not only are we the targets, but the Black Shadows' employer for this contract was very specific in how to eliminate us. I cannot identify the employer themselves. That information was lost when the connection was. But I can determine their current location. They appear to be at a base on Ilium."

"Then what are we waiting for? Tell Joker to take us in."

EDI nodded and sent the message. "We can be there in as little as two hours. I suggest we prepare."

 _Two hours later…_

After preparing for the mission and docking in Nos Astra, all 12 of us head out in skycars toward EDI's coordinates.

I sit in the passenger seat of the front car, checking my weapons as Liara drives us over. "Alright, EDI, what's the plan?"

 _"The instigator of the Shadows' contract against us is currently in the penthouse," EDI reports from the skycar just behind us, "They should not be aware that we know of their location, but they will likely evacuate from the premises if they learn someone is approaching."_

"So we go in quiet, try not to set off any alarms." I sigh, shaking my head. "This is the kind of mission we could've used Thane's help on."

 _"I should be able to hack the security sensors once we have access to the building. But the guards can still activate the alarms manually if we are discovered."_

"Alright, you heard her, people. Stay in cover as long as possible. If you've gotta make a move, make it quick and quiet and make sure you're not seen. And _no explosions_!"

 _"Aw," Wrex and Grunt both groan in protest._

I allow myself two seconds to smirk at the irony and humor in their response before diverting my attention to the destination we are fast approaching.

The building itself reminds me of the Dantius Towers we climbed and fought our way through to get to Thane the day we recruited him for the suicide mission. It's of similar design and just as tall. So, naturally, the fight waiting for us inside should be just as…entertaining—even more so, actually, given the circumstances. _At least we don't have to worry about getting blown off a bridge at 5,000 feet._

As the skycars touch down just outside the tower, I climb out and keep my weapon drawn, watchful of any possible danger. When we reach the door and nothing has started shooting at us yet, I look at EDI and nod to the door, signaling for her to hack in.

Once the door is open, I duck through and into the nearest cover, searching the area. When it comes up empty, I pull back to the others. "It's clear for now. Move in one at a time, stay in your groups, and keep out of sight."

So we head in, using the same formation we employed on Korlus. The first five minutes go by uneventfully. We stay in radio contact and move through the shadows. No one sees us, no alarms go off, nothing explodes. It's almost boring.

We reach the main lobby of the building in almost no time. That's when things get interesting. I hide behind a column as a guard walks past me. Once he's out of sight, I peer around at the room. It's a rather large area, more than half the size of the actual first floor of the tower. A whole contingent of guards is patrolling the room. A small contingent, but one big enough to ensure that the alarms are set off the moment even one of them is taken out.

I look at my three companions when I'm positive we can't be heard. "EDI?"

"I have access to the building's mainframe," she confirms, "The security sensors are on a continuous loop to guarantee we do not penetrate defenses we are unaware of. The alarms must be triggered manually. However, I am detecting a total of 12 foreign life-signs in the room ahead, all of which are capable of doing so."

"Everybody get that?"

 _"We heard," Liara answers from the other side of the lobby._

 _"Same here," Miranda adds from the balcony overhead._

"Alright," I say, keeping my voice down, "There's 12 of us, too. Everyone get eyes on a target." I pull out my sniper rifle and peer around the column and through the scope to locate the prime target for me to take, then I wait for the others to do the same. Once all 12 of the guards are tagged, I give the order: "Make a move the second I signal to. One second later is a second in which they can set off the alarms. And _don't miss_." I keep my eyes on my target, wait for a window to take him out…wait…wait… "Now!"

12 suppressed shots ring out through the lobby and all 12 guards drop dead.

After the following ten seconds pass in silence, I let my breathing rate relax again and put my gun away. "We're clear." I come out from behind the column and head straight into the lobby, letting the others follow me in. "Which way?"

"I have access to the main systems," EDI says, "The building schematics indicate no other entry points on this level. I have taken the liberty of acquiring transport to the penthouse."

Two seconds after she says so, a ding sounds from the back wall and three adjacent doors open.

"Alright, into the elevators!" I call to the others, "Move!" We duck into the elevators in question and activate them to take us up to the top floor. Seeing as the building we're in is about 50 stories, the ride is uncomfortably long. _Just like at Citadel Tower._ I smirk to myself as I remember the awkward talks we wound up in on the elevators back then and my resulting banter with Tali two years later as well as during the attempted theft of the _Normandy_. Then I notice her standing next to me, devoting all her attention to checking her weapons and omni-tool, and I consider trying for a third time: "So…"

She instantly realizes what I'm about to say and cuts me off heatedly: "Not! One! Word!"

I just toss her a quick look and turn to the wall. I spend the rest of the lengthy rise to the penthouse tapping my foot impatiently and wondering why I'm the only one who misses our elevator conversations.

When the doors (finally) open, we find three guards standing at the end of the hall with their backs turned to us. I quickly signal to the others to stay back and pull my gun back out. I start creeping up behind the guards, taking Ashley and Tali with me. Once we're close enough, he hold our weapons in place and take all three out at once as quietly as we can.

"This is actually kind of fun," Ashley smirks as the others move to catch up with us.

I just look down the hall this one leads into. I see a door there, most likely the one our target is hiding behind. "This is it," I say as I check my rifle again, "Be ready." So I head for the door, bypass the lock, and move in.

The room on the other side is an office. It's about half the size of the lobby, but that's still very large for office space. At the center of it all is a desk with a single terminal. On the other side of the desk is a chair, the back turned to us and the Shadows' employer likely sitting there.

Ashley quickly holds her weapon in place, most of us following her lead. "Turn around. Slowly."

But I know something's wrong. A memory tells me why. The memory of finding the arms dealer in the Silver Coast Casino last year. Repeating the actions I took then, I move over to the desk and turn the chair around myself. As I suspected, the businessman owning this office lies dead there.

With an arrow in his chest.

"What the—?!" Jack starts to exclaim. Before she can finish, we all hear a beeping sound coming closer.

I look down at the floor and see what's causing it. A grenade is rolling towards us. "MOVE!" I instantly jump out of the way, getting just far enough out of the blast radius to be knocked off my feet rather than set on fire when the grenade goes off. I glance over at the others, seeing that they all got the same results, before I turn to face the person who opened fire on us.

An archer drops from the rafters to the floor and sends a volley of arrows flying at us.

I roll out of the way, letting the arrow aimed at me hit the floor as the others dodge similar strikes. _Guess a bow does have some advantages over a gun._ Still, I recover quick enough to strategize the best counter. "Miranda!"

"I've got it!" Miranda pulls herself to her feet again, takes hold of the archer with her biotics, lifts them into the air, and slams them as hard as she can into the floor.

The archer slowly pulls themselves back to their feet then turns to face us. It's definitely the same one we fought on Korlus.

This time, the others freeze with me.

"…Keelah…" Tali finally speaks and I know instantly why she's in such shock: because the archer really does look exactly like Shepard.

The Shepard-clone seizes the moment when we're all in shock to make a move. She ducks down to grab back the bow she dropped during Miranda's attack and prepare to attack.

But if there's one advantage a gun has over a bow, it's that it's faster. The time it takes her to nock the arrow is enough time for all of us to train our weapons on her. She shifts her eyes between each of us, knowing full well that whoever she shoots will be the only one not to immediately open fire on her. The damage would be more than her shields or even her armor could take, let alone her body. We have her cornered.

So she looks at each of us in turn for a moment and slowly begins to lower the arrow…then aims it straight up at the ceiling and lets it loose.

Wrex looks at this for a second. "…uh…you missed."

That's when I realize what she meant to do. I can already hear it. The arrow hit a structural weak point and compromised the ceiling's integrity. It's about to come down on top of us. "Get down!" I call to the others, grabbing hold of the closest one to me (which turns out to be Liara) and pulling her out of the way.

Liara and I end up rolling across the floor again, this time tumbling over each other as rubble comes crashing down at the center of the room. Once again, I shift my attention to the rest of the squad and make sure no one was seriously injured. The results are less than pleasing. Some of the others are having trouble breathing. No one's bleeding or straining broken bones, which is a good sign, but they're seriously slowed down. That's most especially a problem for the biotics, even Jack.

Twelve-on-one and the odds still aren't in our favor.

I quickly shake my attention from my weakening teammates and look back at the archer. I turn just in time to see her send another arrow straight at Liara. Luckily, Liara manages to grab hold of it with her biotics and crush it before it can reach her. She then draws the mass effect field together and throws it at the clone, only for her to agilely duck out of the way seconds before it can strike her.

Jacob then notices the arrow that I dodged when the archer arrived. He makes a move, lifting the arrow biotically and sending it flying at the Shepard-clone with extreme force.

Then the lookalike makes a move that, as far as I'm aware, shouldn't be possible: she turns just in time to snatch the arrow out of the biotic field and fire it back.

Jacob just barely avoids taking a dart to the head. "…well…that's scary impressive."

The archer then draws another arrow and fires at the largest group of us she can locate. Jack uses her biotics to hold it off just long enough for them to dodge it. But the second she loosens her hold on it just a little is the second it explodes.

"Those things go boom now?!" James cries.

"What'd I tell you?!" Grunt remarks before charging at our opponent.

The archer waits for just the right moment and leaps out of the way, causing him to charge right into the wall and drop to the floor. When Wrex attempts to charge her himself, she draws her bow and fires one of the explosive arrows at him, causing a blast of such concussive force that he flies back into the opposite wall and hits the floor as well.

"Please tell me she didn't just take down our krogan in five seconds flat," Ashley half-panics. She then notices the archer aiming at her and draws her gun to open fire. The shot hits the bow, throwing it to the floor.

Suddenly, the fight erupts into complete chaos. Bullets flying, tech attacks bursting, and biotics blasting at every corner of the office. She manages to dodge about a third of them and her shields and armor cover another third, leaving less damage actually taking effect than can do us any good. In the space of one minute, EDI, Liara, Jack, and Jacob are on the floor with Grunt and Wrex. In the next two minutes, Ashley, Tali, James, Miranda, and Samara go down as well.

Before I can even wonder how any of this is possible (unless the clone is using cybernetics like what kept the real Shepard alive), the clone has devoted all of her attention to me. I duck and evade a small series of arrows, only for the clone to take the opportunity to put her bow away and outright rush at me. I dodge the main attack and attempt to counter, only for her to twist around and kick me in the side, driving me to the ground. I manage to keep my hold on her arm, though, and throw her down with me. As she rolls across the floor and we both get back to our feet, I find myself in the perfect position to take her down for good.

So I pull my assault rifle and take aim just as the archer pulls an arrow and does the same to me. We stay there for a moment, essentially staring each other down, waiting to see who fires first. Until one of us moves, one shot will set off the other and take us both out. And since the fight is now down to her and me, if only for a moment, that leaves us pretty much trapped in our current position or forced to let one of us escape. Neither option seems favorable to either of us, but nothing changes. I keep my gun trained on her, waiting for a chance even as she responds in kind. I don't know how long we're stuck like this before…before…

Something's wrong. My aim is wavering. I press my free hand to the one holding my gun to keep it steady but it doesn't feel like it's working. _Focus, Garrus, focus!_ I lock my gaze on my target, careful not to let my mind stray.

But that makes it even worse. The second I see her eyes, my resolve breaks down. In the heat of the moment, I disregard the blank, almost lifeless fury behind her gaze and see the spark of emerald eyes that I took strength in for so long, woke up to every morning for months, fell in love with the moment I first saw them.

 _IT'S NOT HER!_ I quickly remind myself, forcefully pressing the memories away. I find I don't have the strength to anymore. Everything in me is grasping for her and reaching nothing. It's weakening, _dominating_ , and I have no choice but to turn away in order to stop it.

The moment I take my eyes off of her ( _Her clone, Vakarian, it's a clone!_ ), she lets the arrow loose.

I barely notice when someone shoots the shaft back before it can hit me. I don't even care. My legs give way under me, dropping me to the floor. Suddenly, I can barely breathe. It's not the grief this time. It's something else, something…chemical…

For some reason I can't comprehend, my memories flash briefly to the day Shepard recruited Mordin for the suicide mission. The plague zone. An artificial virus for respiratory attacks. The thought strikes at me constantly for about ten seconds before I realize what it's trying to tell me. I quickly check my own readings on my omni-tool. It comes back positive for a neurotoxin infection. One look at the vent system and I see why. The poison the assassin used when they tried to kill me. It's _airborne_!

I reach for the gun I dropped when I hit the floor, desperate to shoot the vents closed before the effect becomes more than I can handle. But the weapon is out of my reach and I don't have the strength to even crawl to it. I turn my attention to the others. The fight has worn them out and it takes less than two minutes for the archer-that-looks-like-Shepard to break through the window and jump out, probably landing on a skycar and flying out of range. As the team vents their frustrations (Jack most of all, tossing chairs at the wall with her biotics), I use what strength I have left to put my findings into a message over omni-tool and send it straight to Tali.

The last thing I see before I lose consciousness is the quarian dropping to her knees beside me and pleading for a response I can't give.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

 _I'm back on Earth. We're headed for the conduit to the Citadel when Harbinger catches up to us and starts to lay waste to the ground forces. I set off running for the beam, Shepard right in front of me. I watch as Harbinger's attacks send soldiers and transports flying back in flames, and we both attempt to dodge the laser fire as best we can. Until one of the attacks hits a truck just in front of Shepard. This time, she doesn't duck under it only for me to get hit. This time,_ she's _hit._

 _The Citadel over our heads, the beam right in front of us, even the Reaper bearing down on us are suddenly all the furthest thing from my mind. All I care about is reaching Shepard and getting her to safety. I rush to her side and pull her behind an overturned truck, using it for cover. She's injured, too much to continue the push to the beam. I quickly call for the_ Normandy _to extract her and get her to the med bay, but there's too much interference for the signal to go through. I let off a cry of frustration as I deactivate my COMM and start looking around, desperate for someone who'll help. I find myself searching for the squad. Where are they?! Liara, Tali, Ashley, EDI, James—at least_ one of them _should be here!_

 _She reaches for my hand. As I feel her touch again, I forget my anger and concern, forget the chaos and destruction surrounding us, forget the galaxy at war. I let her take my hand in hers and pull her closer, holding her against me and letting her catch her weakened breath. I close my eyes as we wrap our arms around each other and I begin to stroke her hair, as if to say it's going to be alright, that I'll never let anything happen to her._

 _And I won't._

 _"…Garrus…" she says as she draws even closer to me, the sound of her voice filling my senses so that the warzone around us fades away completely, "…go on without me."_

 _"No!" I instantly debate, clutching her hand as tight as I dare to, "I'm not leaving you here."_

 _"One of us has to finish this. Someone's gotta make it out of this alive."_

 _"_ I won't leave you here _! There's no point in coming back from this without you. You're not just my_ arishon _, you're my_ kalwen _."_

 _She groans softly, probably from a small surge of pain, and holds me tighter. The pressure from her grip almost hurts. But I don't mind at all. "I think my translator just glitched. What'd you call me?"_

 _"'_ Arishon _' is the turian word for 'shepherd' or 'leader' or, well, 'commander.' …and '_ kalwen _' doesn't have a translation in any other language. We just say it means 'light of my heart.'"_

 _She smiles as she leans back to look in my eyes. Even now I see the spark in those emerald spheres as her smile lights up my world. "I couldn't have done any of this without you, Garrus."_

 _"Yes, you could have._ I _couldn't have done any of this without_ you _."_

 _"You always sell yourself short." She reaches her hand up to my scars, stroking them with a soft touch that sends a vibrant sensation through my whole body. "I'll always be with you. No matter what happens. …and you know that I love you…and I always will."_

 _I reach my hand up to hers, letting her gentle caress fade to my palm. "…Shepard, I…" I keep my eyes on hers. Every time I think I know what to say, I see a flash of love inside her irises and the words escape me. It's hypnotic, a force I can't escape and don't even want to. At last, I sigh and say what I know in my heart to be the only thing I can: "I love you, too."_

 _She smiles peacefully and presses her body to mine. I cling to her, feeling her rise and fall with every breath. I lose myself in the fainting rhythm. The only thing that seems to have any effect on this moment's everlastingness is when a burning surges through me, causing my heart to pound in my ears…_

…and with a sharp cry, I fall out of the medical bed and hit the floor. _Hard_.

As I groan from the pain and pull myself together, Tali rushes to my side. "Garrus! Are you alright?"

I just shake it off and force myself back to my feet. "I'm fine." Then I actually get on my feet and a pressure in my gut causes me to drop to my knees, grabbing the bed for support. "…mostly."

She sighs. "Keelah, what happened?! Neurotoxin readings?! Muscle weakness?! Hallucinations and a complete loss of consciousness?!"

"The poison…" I explain as she takes my arm and helps me stand up straight again, "they managed to get it airborne. It was coming into the room through the vents since the fight started."

"Which is why the antidote was able to counteract the effects," Dr. Chakwas explains as she walks over, "But the toxin itself worked much faster this time. In three hours, you were in the same condition the first dose put you in over the space of three _weeks_. I'm afraid you won't survive a third time for more than a few seconds. The antidote is also losing effectiveness. Unless we find a stronger counteragent soon, it might not be able to hold off the effects of the poison for very long."

Not good. _Nothing_ about this situation is a good thing.

"At least we were able to prevent any permanent psychological damage." I turn to see Liara at the main door, Samara at her side. "When you first went under, Samara tapped into your mind to keep the stronger hallucinations at bay. She's been guiding your subconscious through the dream-state ever since."

I look at Samara in shock. "You mean that last part was _you_?"

"I facilitated a vision your mind would respond positively to," Samara answered, "yes. However, I had no control over what you would see without direct access to your conscious mind. What you experienced was what you desired to."

What I wanted to. I _wanted_ to watch Shepard get hit by Harbinger and halfway-to-die in my arms?!

…no…I wanted my last moments with her to be a memory I could cherish instead of be haunted by…before I followed her.

You always follow your _arishon_ …and you can't live without your _kalwen_.

"The Black Shadows are obviously still carrying out the contract despite their betrayal of their employer," Liara says, turning all our attention back to the matter at hand, "I can't imagine why. But what troubles me is that you were the only one affected by the viral attack. That means that the only toxin they were letting into the vents was the one tailored to turian physiology. The fact that they would use only that variation on all of us means that they only meant to attack _you_ directly."

"So either they figured out I was the mission leader and wanted to throw us off-balance by taking me out first in the middle of a fight…" I observe. When I detect the other possibility, it takes me a moment to work up the courage to voice it: "…or they know how the poison has been affecting me and they're playing to my weakness."

"Yes, well, the fact that they're throwing Shepard's _clone_ at us to begin with pretty much overturns the second option. And, strategically, the first option does make more sense."

Right. Of course it does. Everyone who's ever been in the military knows that. Take out the commander, take out the unit. That's it.

That's it.

… _it's not her…it's not her…_

Tali must notice that something is wrong because she sighs again and places her hand on my arm. "I know this can't be easy. Losing her after everything and now fighting through all this…I can't imagine having to go through that."

I sigh and bring it out into the open: "It's been the hardest thing I've ever had to go through." I look over at the bed I just fell out of a moment ago. It's the same one I woke up in when Liara told me my _kalwen_ was gone for good.

I find the memory being pushed aside when my mind makes the connection of how much I'm using that word to describe her. It's one word my people associate with the strongest emotion. We only use it to refer to those we love the most, have the deepest attachments with. For me to use it freely like this means a lot about how I think of her…but at the same time, it couldn't feel more right.

"We miss her, too, Garrus," Liara steps over, showing all the sympathy she could possibly have, "And we're right here for you."

My first thought is harsh. _That's not good enough! I want_ her _right here for me!_ My second thought is even worse. But that's the one I say out loud: "Yeah, I know…but I can't be here for you."

Liara looks at me in confusion. "What?"

"I'm not fit for duty anymore! You heard Dr. Chakwas' report: the poison is taking more effect on me now than ever and the antidote isn't good enough anymore. What's to stop me from hallucinating in the middle of a fight again? If that happens, I'm no good to anyone! And if the Shadows have made the same connection she has, they know that one more dose will kill me for sure, and they'll exploit that on the mission. Even if we take the necessary precautions to prevent that, it makes me a liability you can't afford to have. I'm stepping down from command. And I'm not coming with you for the next mission."

Before any of them can debate the issue, I head out of the med bay and straight to the elevator. I hit the button for deck 1 without even thinking about it. My mind is carefully blank as the elevator ascends and I am not even consciously aware of my movement when I step through the door to Shepard's cabin and sit down on her bed again.

The events of the day come crashing down on me all at once. I can't handle it anymore. I fall back onto the mattress and let the memories completely overtake me…

 _The spark in her eyes when we first met, like she knew from the beginning how it would go down._

 _Her smile when she welcomed me into the team that I would come to call an honorary family._

 _The fire she showed in battle as she shot down anyone foolish enough to mess with her crew._

 _The compassion she displayed for anyone in need, especially those taken by the Reapers._

 _Her willingness to sacrifice everything for the sake of her people._

 _Her intelligence, her courage, her determination—the very traits I first fell in love with._

 _Her strength in the face of insurmountable odds and numerous certain-death scenarios._

 _The way she made my heart pound when she touched me._

… _how we gave everything to each other until I was convinced I couldn't live without her._

Time doesn't exist anymore. I lose myself in thoughts of the human I love.

 _"The only thing that made leaving Earth bearable was knowing you were out there somewhere."_

 _"I don't know what I'd do without you."_

 _"I love you, Garrus Vakarian."_

But oddly, none of those memories end up being the one that takes over. No, the one that finally eclipses everything else is one of a different nature. Not one of stolen moments and passionate embraces but one of being together simply because we needed to be.

 _It was early on in the war. While Mordin was developing the genophage cure, we went to the Citadel to drop an injured Grunt off at the hospital. After an hour of scouring the Presidium looking for a way to occupy myself, I headed to the nearest transport, anxious to get away from the countless civilians desperately pretending that nothing was wrong when they all knew that everything was._

My people are dying by the _thousands_ , _I raged inside as I waited for the transport,_ and no one cares. _I knew it wasn't true. Every turian on the station was as furious and mournful as I was, but no one was taking action. Not that there was much they could do to make a difference against Reapers._

 _When the transport finally arrived, I stepped in without hesitation. The hesitation returned when it came time for me to decide where I was supposed to go. I was not going through the Wards if I wanted a break from the day-to-day act everyone was putting on. I was not going to C-Sec because, with me, that's just asking for trouble. I could go to the hospital but…well, Thane, Grunt, and Ashley were there and I wasn't convinced I could work up the nerve to have some big reunion with my half-dying friends at a time like this. That meant I could either just forget the "shore leave" entirely and go back to work on the_ Normandy _…or…_

 _Before I could give it a second thought, I set the transport to take me to the refugee camp. As soon as the doors opened and I went through, I saw the recognition of the war that I was looking for. Suddenly, I wasn't certain if I should regret denying the chance to ignore the slaughter or do what I came to do. It was an easy decision to make._

 _I took in every sight of the camp. The first thing I saw, the hardest thing there to deal with, was the memorial wall the refugees had set up for their lost loved ones. People of every species to get hit so far were clustered there, mourning in unison for the ones captured or killed by the monstrous machines. I found myself wondering if, in a few weeks, I would be over there for my family._

 _I quickly turned away from the wall, desperate to shake those thoughts away._ They'll make it, Garrus. We'll get them out. They'll be safe. _I started moving through the camp, looking from refugee to refugee. Half of them were injured and being tended to by nurses from the hospital. The rest were all levels of nervous, anxious, or terrified, desperately seeking a reunion with people that hadn't been heard from yet or wondering where they'd go when the war was over now that their homes had been destroyed._

 _When I reached the end of the camp, I found a large cluster of turian refugees. I started looking over the layout of the camp set up for them. In five minutes, I was storming in to help out, demanding where the emergency supplies were, and finally calling in favors from C-Sec to "reallocate" everything they could before any of the refugees bled to death or starved._

 _That's where she found me. One look at her, her unmatched concern for the people around us shown plainly in her eyes, and the fiery emotions surging through me faded away to what I then realized was what I'd been feeling all along: worry…and fear._

 _"Shepard," I greeted her, passively, masking my sorrow._

 _Either I didn't do a very good job of masking it or she knew me well enough to know I was doing it. She knew something was wrong. She always knew when something was wrong. She looked around at the wounded and stranded refugees around us before facing me completely. "What's happening?"_

 _"We convinced the Council to accept our wounded," I explained, "…nowhere else to go."_

 _"How bad is it?"_

 _I sighed and came out with it: "More dead than injured. 85% killed in action. We'll need a morgue soon. Not a lot of flesh wounds when you're fighting Reapers."_

 _Even as she glanced around at the starving and broken around us, she showed me sympathy. She knew this was killing me. And I knew it was killing her, too. "Casualties are that high?" she finally sighed._

 _"Our front-line units are being wiped out whole platoons at a time. A single Reaper can destroy nine or ten of them in one attack."_

 _That caused her emotions to flip in the exact opposite direction of mine. Her grief and anxiety gave way to rage. "That's not war. It's slaughter."_

 _I wanted to do something to help her, but what was I supposed to do? All I knew how to do was tell her the truth she already knew but couldn't face on her own: "They're called Reapers for a reason and these guys found out why."_

 _She looked straight at me, pressing what hope she had into her gaze. "Do what you can for them," she told me, making sure her voice showed that she had the utmost faith in me. That much was enough to renew mine._

 _"A few of them might get back on their feet," I admitted, "but the rest… Sympathy is about all we can offer."_

 _She saw the hidden meaning behind my words. She knew I was one of the ones who needed it and she knew why. "Any sign of your family?"_

 _"Not yet. But I keep hoping." I found my thoughts drifting back to the wall, wondering again, if only for a second, if I was going to lose them. But I forced it back. I was determined to save them. And if anyone could help my people, it was Commander Shepard. But I knew her as much as she knew me. I knew something was wrong with her, too. I knew this war was already getting to be more than she could take. "What about you? I'm starting to see some wear and tear."_

 _She sighed, facing what she'd been hiding from day one. "I won't lie…it's been rough."_

 _So I met her eyes, reflecting my faith in her the way she showed hers in me. "Well, don't forget to come up for air. And not just because all these people need you." I stepped closer to her, showing her how strongly I felt what I said next: "…because I need you."_

I clutch the blankets of the bed in my talons, practically tearing through the fabric. _I still do. I still need you. More than you could ever know._

 _"…Garrus…"_

There it is again. The same shade of her voice that I heard before the poison hit me hard just a few days ago. This time, I don't fight it or search for it. This time, I give in.

The results are not what I expected. I know I'm hallucinating, I just don't wanna believe it. I want to believe that the human hand suddenly resting on mine is really _hers_.

I look up to find a familiar sight sitting beside me on the bed, a sight I fell in love with about four years ago: a human woman with red hair and green eyes. "…Shepard—" I reach for her only for my hand to pass through her. _It's not real. She's gone. And she's not coming back._

"Having a hard time letting go, huh?" the ghost smirks at me.

"You have no idea," I sigh, pulling my hand back.

"I don't blame you. I know I could never let go of you."

I turn away, looking down at the floor. "This isn't real. This is just what I want to see."

But then the ghost of her leans in closer, looking over my shoulder, and I almost think I can feel her there even though I can't touch her. "It doesn't have to be real. I'm always with you, remember?"

I fight the urge to face the apparition and attempt to hold her. I'm hurting enough as is without subjecting myself to such proof of my loss. I just think over her words and say what I know to be my only real response: "I want to believe that."

"Then stop fighting it."

For about two seconds, I want to snap at her that I'm not fighting, that I'm begging for it. But then I consider it. …is that it? Is that why my grief has been killing me? Because I'm ignoring what I have and fighting for something I can't get? If it is, maybe that's why the poison had such a strong effect on me. Maybe it's because I kept struggling with it rather than giving in like I'm doing now.

 _That can't be true,_ I try to convince myself. But it doesn't work. Because I know it _is_ true. I just haven't had the strength to face it. So I pull all the strength I have together and turn to look at the illusion of the woman I loved— _Still love. With all my heart._ "…I can try."

She nods. "You're strong, Garrus. You'll pull through. You always have."

I meet her eyes. I see in them every moment I cherished of Commander Sara Shepard. Now that I let it take me over, one memory in particular strikes me in a way I never thought of before. I find myself laughing lightly at my revelation before I voice it: "Our shooting contest on the Citadel. You missed the last shot on purpose, didn't you?"

She just gives me a playful smirk. "You can't prove anything."

I shake my head at her. "No, I guess I can't."

She smiles gently, her eyes sparkling brightly as she does. "I love you. I always did."

I keep my eyes on hers. I can't look away. And I don't want to. _It's all a hallucination, Vakarian!_ one part of my mind snaps. But the other part rings stronger: _I know it is. But I still want it to last._ "…I always loved you. And I always will."

She answers by holding my gaze and then leaning in to kiss my scars. The way the real Shepard always did.

I close my eyes and will the false contact to last as long as it possibly can. It's the closest thing I have to actually having her back. But when I open my eyes, the phantom Shepard is gone.

I'm all alone again…but I can still feel her here.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

For three hours, I do nothing but sit on the bed of the captain's cabin and cling to what remains of the ghost that paid me a visit. _Her_ ghost. Her words echo in my mind, not stopping for a second except to be joined by things the real Shepard once told me. Images flash in front of my eyes of all the moments we spent together, on duty and off, and I practically feel her holding onto me, her weight pressed against mine. Every so often, my gaze drifts up to the viewing glass over her bed, to the view of the stars and the strikes of blue coming from FTL travel, and I remember gazing up at it with her all those nights when we laid here together.

When I finally stand up, it takes a moment to regain my balance. Getting up for the first time in hours is hard enough on my legs as is without the added strain from what's left of the poison. It's only now that I realize the muscle weakness is lingering along with the hallucinations. _I wonder what would happen if I fell asleep this time. Maybe Liara wouldn't be able to wake me up again._

I shake the thoughts away and start moving around the cabin. The first place my feet take me is to the bedside table on which rests the photo from the party. I let my gaze stay on it for a moment as I remember the hilarity that ensued from putting Wrex and Grunt in the same room for the first time since Grunt's Rite, the stolen moments Shepard reserved for me even as she meticulously planned a few minutes with everyone there, the indescribable feeling of how _right_ it was to have everyone that mattered most to us there together.

Pushing the memories of that night to the back of my mind, though letting them stay in motion, I move over to the fish tank and look in at the creatures floating through the water. I remember following Shepard through the marketplaces on the Citadel when she first got them and wondering why she thought it was a good idea. …I still wonder that. I smirk to myself as I dismiss it as a crazy human thing and walk away.

The next thing to catch my attention is the music system. I find myself scrolling through it and find that two songs on the selection have been played more than any others. One is the song we danced to on the Citadel, the one she apparently had set as an alarm. The other is the song that was playing the night before the assault on Cerberus Headquarters…the one to which we spent our last night together. Before I know what I'm doing, I turn on the second song and let it ring through the cabin.

As the tune brings back the feeling of holding her in my arms, I move on through the room, passing by the couch and going up to the area that essentially acted as her office. I find my focus locking on the bathroom. After a few seconds, I realize why. I'm standing in the exact place I was the night before the Omega-4 relay, where I was when she came out and gave me one of the most cherished memories I have of my entire life.

Letting the memory take me over and last as long as possible, I step closer to the door and end up leaning against the shelves. One thing on them she really cared about is the cage in which she kept her hamster. I suppress the urge to laugh as I think of the day she found the small, furry creature in the Citadel gift shop on Zakera Ward. I remember thinking _First the fish, now_ this _?_ But the way her eyes lit up when she adopted the rodent was more than enough to make me happy it was coming back onboard with us. She cared enough about her new pet to stop in the middle of an assault on pirates attempting to steal the _Normandy_ and check to make sure her tiny companion was alright, only returning her attention to the problem at hand when Tali and I pressed her to and even then taking enough time to tell her furry friend "If anyone gives you any trouble…go for the eyes." I can't resist the urge to laugh at that memory. Or the way she ended up jumping around the engineering deck when she found the hamster scuttling between crates just after the Reapers hit Palaven.

The emotional attachment she had for the creature prompts me to build up some concern for it. Curiously, I tap a talon against the glass and wait for a response. Just like it always did whenever anyone would interact with its cage, the little animal inside peeks out of its "playhouse," presses its nose to the glass to see who's knocking, lets off a small "Squeak!", and ducks back into its hiding place. I smile, shaking my head at the display, and turn to look at the rest of the area.

For a moment, I look over the display case of the models she collected over the course of the war. It occurs to me that she essentially got a new one for every mission we completed. But that's not what really draws my attention. What catches me here is the terminal reserved for her use only. The one through which she called me up to her cabin every night for weeks after the suicide mission and several nights over the course of the war. The one in which she accessed the message I sent after the Cerberus coup to meet me on the Citadel, the very meeting where we "made it official."

As my hand reaches over to turn on the terminal, a subconscious motion I can't seem to stop, I find myself wondering who all has accessed this terminal in the past 13 months. I know Ashley and Liara took on an unofficial command in the five months following the Crucible's deployment (or, more accurately, the four months following the repairs to our crashed stealth frigate and departure from the uncharted planet the Crucible left us half-stranded on) so that the _Normandy_ could assist with the restoration efforts. But, as far as I know, it's been on hold with the Alliance for the past eight months until it became necessary for someone to take command of it again. Still, how many techs have come through the cabin during that time to keep everything in working order? Did any of them touch it? I know Traynor has been up here pretty much every day to take care of the fish and the hamster. Would she have messed with the terminal?

I get my answer when I turn it on. Everything is exactly how she left it. I can tell. Before I can think about it, I sit down in her chair and start scrolling through the archived data. Two past messages are marked. When I open them, I see that it's the one I sent to meet me the day we had our shooting contest and the one I sent to meet me at the casino the night we had our "first date." I smile at the memories these messages bring back and the thought that she obviously cherished those moments as much as I do. Then I stop going through the messages and start scanning through the mission reports. I look over the information on all the missions we had together—she even stored the ones that built up to the suicide mission. After a while, I notice that every mission I accompanied her on is marked, too.

For once, I wonder what might have happened if _I_ had been the one that died activating the Crucible and _she_ had been the one left behind. Could she have moved on and found a life after the fight, one I couldn't see for myself? Or would she be sitting here, leading this mission, possibly facing hallucinations of me from the memories, wondering how to go on alone?

 _"There's no Shepard without Vakarian."_

I finally switch the terminal back off, the memory providing my own answer. I knew her. She would've done both.

But the question invokes a new one. If she were the one leading this mission, would she be fighting a clone of me? Would she be able to handle it? My gut tells me she could, but the rest of me doesn't know. Not sure what to think, I wind up calling up the readings my omni-tool caught of the clone. The vital signs and DNA scans are a match to Sara Shepard, but the brain waves are completely different. That's it then. That's proof. This is really a clone of her—same body, different mind—one that hasn't even said one word to us since starting the attempts to kill us.

Fighting her clone was simple enough the first time (even kind of fun), but that's probably just because she was with us. She was there to watch our backs, we were there to watch hers, and plowing down mercenaries at every turn gave us the chance to really cut loose. But she was the one who handled the clone itself when the time came. I could have handled it then, too, if only because I knew the woman I loved was at my side. Now I don't have her and the thought of fighting someone who looks exactly like her is killing me as much as the poison is. That revelation makes me glad I stepped down from the mission. Then again, _that_ makes me wonder what I'm supposed to do with myself in the meantime.

When the first answer that comes to mind is "Eat" and I realize I haven't in the past eight hours, I figure it's time to leave the cabin. So I get back on my feet and take the elevator back down to deck 3. As soon as the doors open, I hear the others gathered in the mess area, discussing the situation at hand.

"…that I should take command instead, seeing as I was Shepard's last XO," Liara is saying, "And as such, I feel it falls to me to question the Shadows' motives. Why kill your own employer? And why, after doing so, would you still continue the contract?"

"Maybe we're going about this all wrong," Wrex comments as I step out of the elevator, "We need to forget the toned-down strikes and head straight for the top."

"I have insufficient data for locating the Black Shadows' headquarters or identifying their leader," EDI explains as the elevator door closes behind me, "However, if we can find more of their bases, we should be able to triangulate…"

I don't hear whatever it is they say next. After coming out of the elevator, I'm stuck staring straight at the memorial wall where, right in the center of it all, hangs the plaque in tribute to my fallen _kalwen_. For about five seconds, I boil over in fury at whoever's bright idea it was to put the wall right in front of the elevator so that you're thrown directly into a state of mourning every time you head to the mess or the med bay. Then the rage fades as the grief sets in again. Once more, I run my fingers along her name, tracing the letters with one talon. Every letter I touch invokes a new memory of my time with her. That situation makes it occur to me just how much time we spent together and just how many letters it takes to spell "Commander Shepard."

I smile sadly at that thought and use what strength I have to push it away. _This isn't the time,_ half of me reprimands. _No, Vakarian, it never is,_ the other half retorts. But I'm not making things better by going to war with myself. Either put the grief behind me or grieve the way she would've wanted me to. Of course, that choice doesn't help. The first option is less than favorable to my present state of mind and I've never been able to figure out how the second one would work. What would she want me to do?

 _She'd want you to move on. She'd want you to find happiness somewhere._ It's true. That's unquestionable. _I know…but I can't._

Finally, I force the thoughts from my mind. I just have to focus on what I came down here for. Then I can head back up to her cabin and wallow in self-pity for a few more hours. At least doing it there will be less painful.

"…they're trying to accomplish by killing us," Miranda is saying when her voice comes back into my hearing, "The readings we took in the fight on Ilium make it undeniably clear that the archer they've been throwing at us is a clone. How does 'eliminating Shepard's crew' benefit them if Shepard is truly dead?"

I ignore the tight feeling in my chest that the last four words bring forth. Not listening to my thoughts racing with _She's gone, she's gone, she's really gone forever…_ , I drag my feet around the hall towards the mess area.

"Maybe someone Shepard upset on a mission is trying to get some posthumous revenge," Ashley suggests, "That would explain why they've been throwing so much at Garrus personally. Maybe—" She cuts herself off when I round the corner and she sees me.

I stop walking when I notice that the others are looking at me, too, a few of them instantly guilty for having another behind-my-back conversation. "Don't stop on account of me," I instantly say, "I'm not even on the mission anymore." With that said, I head straight to the actual kitchen and start searching for the dextro supplies.

The moment I come out of the cabinets with them, I'm face-to-face with Miranda. "You're not fooling anyone, Garrus. We know this is killing you as much as the poison is."

My first instinct is to start debating with her, but I know she's right. So I sigh and set the food aside long enough to come out with it: "It was hard enough losing her. For the past year, it's felt like she's haunting me. For someone to… _do that_ to her again and then throw it at us like this, at _me_ …" I can't find the words to finish. The rest is pure emotion, feelings I can't describe in any way that will do them justice. "…I'm glad I'm not going out into that next time, won't have to face that again…but I'm also more upset than ever at the thought of missing a mission and I don't know why."

"I think I know. And it's kind of hard to see how you couldn't."

 _Spirits, why does she have to be right so often?!_

As if she read my mind, she meets my eyes with a steel gaze and says what I figured she would: "We know you, Garrus. And we know how much she meant to you. All you need is time. Even if it takes a century." Then she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a sample of the antidote to the turian poison. She must have gotten it from Dr. Chakwas or Liara before coming over to talk to me. While I take it and grab the food back, she turns on her omni-tool. "Before the final assault on Earth, she sent some things my way. Fair guess says she sent them to Liara first but didn't want to risk it if…things went bad in the fight. She said, if anything happened to her, to send them to 'who they belonged to.'"

Her message then goes through and my own omni-tool pings to tell me so.

"That one was meant for you. I meant to give it to you some time ago, but…well, no time seemed like the right one until now."

I check the message quickly. It's a video message. I'll have to watch it later. "Thank you."

Miranda just nods. "If you ever need anything, you can call me."

"Miranda!" Jacob calls from the squad's makeshift meeting point, "EDI thinks she can pinpoint a few Shadows bases. One of them is on a station not far from here."

"Alright. I'll start getting ready to move in." With one last glance my way, she walks off.

I stand there, thinking over her words as the others start getting ready for an infiltration. Once they've all left the area, I administer the antidote to myself and start heading back to the elevator. As I ride it up to deck 1 and go through the turian food (lucky for me, having Tali onboard as well really does encourage the collection of quality dextro supplies), I wonder at what could be in the video message that she couldn't have said in person, that would've promoted her to send it to _Miranda_ to ensure that it made its way safely to me if anything ever happened to her.

The elevator opens. I head into the cabin. I sit down on her bed again. Nothing has changed since I went down. It's like the universe has stopped moving and trapped me in some kind of loop—from remembrance to grief to weariness and then back again. Nothing's going to change until the poison in my veins is completely gone, the Shadows and their Shepard-clone are taken care of, and I head back to Palaven, this time content to call my old squad-mates whenever, and attempt to live my life the way she'd want me to.

If I even can.

I barely notice when I access the message. Though I just received it five minutes ago, I can see the time-stamp on the original recording. It was made just moments before the _Normandy_ came back to the Sol System. …so, after coming back from the assault on Cerberus HQ, she gave the order for the fleets to assemble and then headed back to her cabin…and she spent the prep time recording farewell messages to all of us, ending with me. Spirits, is that what she was working on when I came to her cabin before we hit Cronos Station? The datapad she was scanning over when I came to the room and asked to keep her company, was it keeping track of who mattered enough to her to receive some final words?

After a moment of wondering who all made the cut and if Miranda has given those messages to their rightful owners as well, I work up the nerve to open the message meant for me. When the display opens up, it's like I've come alive for the first time in a year. An ecstatic feeling I haven't had since the moment she told me "You'll never be alone." resurfaces inside me at the sight of her. Not a ghost, not a clone, not a lifeless still picture on her bedside table or the console in the _Normandy_ 's main battery— _her_. Every battle scar, every loose strand of red hair, the glint in her emerald eyes—it's so real that I long to reach out to her again.

 _"Hi, Garrus," she speaks from 13 months ago, her voice causing my heart to pound, "If you're watching this, then we won the war and I didn't make it back. I was going to send this message to Liara, but I figured there's as much chance of her going down in the fight as there is for me so it's going to Miranda—she's not going to be on the front lines when we go in full assault on the Reapers, so there's more of a chance for her to make it out even if something goes wrong. She'll make sure this reaches you. And I know we're probably going to have some big heartfelt goodbye just before the final run, but…I need to say this now. I need to make sure you're going to hear it._

 _"First of all, I wanted to thank you. For everything. For helping me in the fight, for being there for me when I need you, for covering me, for believing in me…for being the love of my life. No one in the galaxy could ever take your place. Not in any way. When I had no one left to trust, you came back into my life and I saw how much I needed you. I said it once and I'll say it again: I couldn't do this without you, Garrus. You're the one who got me through it all, the reason I had the strength to go on when this war was too much for me to take. …I love you. I've never cared about anyone the way I care about you. I've been thinking lately that I haven't said that enough and I wanted you to know that it's true. It always was. And it always will be._

 _"The second thing is…don't be afraid to go on without me. Keep fighting. For me. I know I couldn't take it if I lost you, especially not now, but I don't want you to suffer any more than you have to. I won't blame you for going a little crazy after I go but I especially won't blame you for moving on and finding something—_ someone _—else. I want you to. I know it might be hard to think about—I especially can't see how I could find anyone after you—but you deserve your happy ending. I really do love you. And because I love you, I want you to have that…even if it means I can't be there to give it to you." That's when the tears started coming. The thought of it was killing her. I hated to see her this way—I still do. But she finally pulls it together and says what she needs to say:_

 _"…lastly…I'm hoping to pull some strings so that what I have will go to you. You're pretty much the closest thing I have to family—you and the rest of the squad. If I had my way, you'd really be my family already, but life doesn't always work out the way we want it to. Nobody knows that better than me. So take what you can get. Keep moving forward and hold on, but don't ever look back. I know I wouldn't change anything if I could. Everything that's happened to me since the_ Normandy _first started running, especially every moment I've had with you, has been…_ perfect _. …I'll be waiting for you, watching for you, when I move on. I'll always be with you. And call this my last order as your commander:_ please do not _hurry to follow me…but make sure you come find me when you get there. I love you, Garrus. Goodbye."_

I stare at the screen as the message ends. I quickly save the message and put it in a safe place. While I do, I mark it to make it easy to come back to. I already know I'm going to be opening it pretty much every day for the rest of my life. Only once it's saved do I close down my omni-tool and let the message really sink in. But as I think over her words, I realize something's wrong. My eyes are stinging and my vision is blurred. I reach my hand up to check what the problem is, worried that the poison is already coming back into effect so soon after taking the antidote. But what I find is the exact opposite.

What do you know? I guess turians really can cry.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

I end up playing back the message a few times. I take in every piece of her image and memorize every word. It feels like she's begging me to stay strong without her. For the first time since I lost her, I start to think that it might be possible.

I've lost count of how many times I played it back by the time I work up the nerve to stop. When I do, I find myself looking around at the cabin and something she said in the last part of her message really hits me: "what I have will go to you."

…did that include the _Normandy_? Was she really planning to defy the entire Alliance—the _Council_ , even—and give a human Spectre's ship to the command of a turian soldier? There's not a doubt in my mind that had she survived the fight she would've shared this cabin with me. But had she really been planning to _give_ it to me? The _Normandy_ to Shepard was…well, to call it "her most prized possession" could never begin to cover it. For her to trust it to me…

 _"If I had my way, you'd really be my family already…"_

…spirits. I never realized…how could I not have known? Once again, I start thinking of our last conversation on Earth, our talk of retirement together. She really meant every word. It was really what she wanted. Now more than ever, the thought of us being deprived of that future we so desperately wanted is mournful— _sickening_ , even—and I can't imagine what cruel force of nature would've taken it upon her to sacrifice her life and any chance of the future she wanted in order to save the entire galaxy, a burden no one should have to bear. Wasn't there some other way? Couldn't someone else have done it? Why did it have to be her?!

I scoff at the question when the moment surrounding it fades. I already know the answer: because she was Commander Shepard. From the moment she was born, she was at the center of it all, forced to make the decisions no one else could and live with the consequences. When she became the galaxy's only hope against the Reapers, every situation she was thrust into affected everyone within thousands of light-years and, eventually, it started to seem like her fate was being chosen for her. Anyone else would have broken from the pressure alone. But she was stronger than any human I'd ever known. She survived when her unit was eaten by thresher maws, came back from getting spaced when the SR-1 went down, and took down the entire Reaper army essentially singlehanded. No one else could've done any of that. She could. She was a hero to the entire galaxy…but most especially to me.

 _"That doesn't sound like my girl. You'll find a way to win. And when this is over…I'll be waiting for you."_

… _I'm still waiting for you…_

I consider playing the message one last time, but I don't. I'm not doing myself any good just sitting here staring at it for hours on end. If anything, that's going against what the message is telling me to do in the first place. So I get back on my feet and start moving through the cabin again. After a few minutes of the restless movement, I just forget it and head over to the elevator. Without taking a second to think about where I'm going, I hit the button for deck 2 and go down to the CIC.

I take one step out and look around as the elevator closes down. It occurs to me that even the CIC is exactly how she left it. The only difference is that she's not hovering over the galaxy map deciding where to explore next. It makes the entire deck seem…emptier. How many times did I sneak out of the battery specifically to watch her take command and then drag her into my arms to spend just one moment with her before we threw ourselves into the fray again? Five? Ten? Twenty? 100? For that matter, how many times did I follow her into it? Did we even hit the 100 mark? It sure felt like we did. Seems like we went on thousands of missions over the course of three years. A thousand and still not enough.

Once again, my subconscious takes over my movements and I start heading across the bridge and to the cockpit. After about three steps in that direction, I start to realize why: because that's where she'd go. After every mission, she'd scout around the ship to see how the crew was holding up. While the pattern varied, there were always two places she never failed to reach: the battery and the cockpit. She went to see Joker as many times as she went to see me. I'm starting to understand why that is. Maybe his unflinching humor was helping my undying support to keep her strength up during the war. Sometimes you just need a release, something to let you know that there's still some normalcy to the galaxy, that everything's going to be fine and has even a chance of returning to normal. At the thought, I remember my "contest" with Joker after taking down the Reaper on Tuchanka, tossing jokes about each other's species back and forth. Guess I'm hoping we'll try it again.

When I reach the cockpit, I find that we're not moving and EDI isn't in the co-pilot seat. It's a strange sight and it makes me wonder what's going on. Then I remember where we were going before I headed up to Shepard's cabin. The squad was going to infiltrate a station that was supposedly a Shadows base. They must still be there. Without me. Right. Gotta get used to that.

Joker is checking the systems and waiting for a COMM signal from EDI when I walk in. "Propulsion's online…COMMs are fully functional… _fully functional_ …come on, EDI, what's going on out there with the Super Friends?"

"The what?" I can't resist asking. Humans never cease to supply references and expressions I'm completely unfamiliar with.

Of course, he clearly didn't know I was standing at the entrance to the cockpit because my sudden inquiry startles him. After he jumps, he gives me a look. "Garrus! What's the deal, are you part cat?!"

"I'm a sniper. We need to move quick and quiet. I thought you would've heard me coming anyway."

"Well, I'm a bit busy right now."

"Busy worrying about EDI? Believe me when I say she can handle herself. I saw her plow down a Brute at ten meters."

Joker scoffs. "Yeah, she's good at that." Then he seems to think over our current situation and sighs. "Look…EDI told me about the…you know…"

After he's said it, I suddenly can't look at him anymore. I turn my gaze to the viewing glass between the cockpit and the vacuum of space. I look out at the endless sea of stars surrounding us. _She always loved those stars._ "Yeah. I'd rather try my hand at the Brute myself than go through this."

"Is it going through _this_ that's the problem or going through it without her?"

Wow. Never figured Joker for the insightful type. "…both."

He sighs again. "Well, if it'll make you feel better, we can drop by that sushi place on the Citadel and toss you through the fish tank. Seems like it cleared her head."

There's the Joker I know. I laugh briefly and fire back. "Was it the actual fish tank crash or the resulting fight with 100 mercs and a suppressor pistol?"

"Yeah, she did have fun that night."

"And learned not to try going to dinner with you."

"Right, 'cause you're so much fun at that."

"Oh, yeah, what was it you said about me before Omega-4…?"

This time, when he jumps, he outright flips his seat around, turning all his frightened attention to me. "She told you about that?!"

"No," I smirk at him, "I just wanted to watch you squirm."

He gives me a look before turning back to the controls. "Freak me out like that again and I'll bill you for the medical expenses to the leg I'll break from falling out of this chair."

"If what you told her was that bad and I convince EDI to let me in on it, it might not be falling from the chair that actually breaks that leg."

"You wouldn't attack me when I'm flying us through the middle of space, would you?"

"When we have EDI as a backup and you don't need your legs to steer? Yeah, no promises."

It's then that we hear the airlock opening and the squad steps in.

"How'd it go?" I ask as they toss aside their breathers.

"Total bust," James groans, taking off his helmet, "A few Shadows but no commander or anything."

"There were not any active consoles through which we could access data we have not already acquired either," EDI adds as she rejoins Joker in the cockpit.

"Even our arrow girl didn't show up. Maybe she's just been following you around, Scars." He's quickly reprimanded by Tali for that statement with a punch in the arm. "Ow! Man, Sparks, you're stronger than you look!"

I force back the emotions his insinuation unknowingly brought on, the ones Tali was clearly trying to help with, and allow myself a small smirk at the exchange between the soldier and the quarian. _Save the hurt for when you're alone. Focus on the fact that you have them back even for just a little while._ Yeah, I can do that. And I do feel a lot better having them here. It's like regaining something I lost…even if I can't have it all back the way it was before. "What about the readings you already got, EDI?" I finally bring myself to ask.

"I have pinpointed two other bases in the Traverse," EDI answers, "but I do not believe there will be much difference."

"I have been contacting everyone I can to gather information on the Shadows," Liara explains, "but they're very reclusive and secretive. It seems all I can do is determine how they were hired. No one knows where they really are."

So even the Shadow Broker can't figure these guys out? Now I know something's wrong. Nothing has ever been this difficult for us before. Even when we were tracking down Cerberus, Miranda was able to find an opening to plant a tracer on Kai Leng, something this Shepard-clone clearly never gave us a chance for. As if she knew to expect it.

…as if she knew to expect it…

That's it! "Liara!" I call before she can get to the elevator and head back to her office, "Is it possible the Shadows could've gotten into your network and accessed intel on us?"

Liara seems shocked by the implication, but I can see as she thinks it over that she realizes the truth behind it. "Maybe if they have deep cover operatives infiltrating my agents. I wouldn't be able to verify which ones are Shadows either. That might be why I haven't been able to track them down."

"And why they seem to be tracking our moves before we make them. That's why they killed our target on Ilium—because they knew we were coming."

"It must also be why the clone keeps getting the upper hand on _all_ of us," Miranda steps in, "But if that's why, why did she run off instead of finish us off on Ilium?"

I honestly consider that. But only one answer comes to mind: …because the poison was _supposed_ to take effect. It wasn't a fallback for the fight, the fight was a _distraction_. They weren't trying to end things then and there. They were trying to get to me…or pick us off one at a time. That must be it. The only other explanation is that the clone deliberately let us go, but why in the galaxy would she do that?

It's almost as if Liara reads my mind and shares my concern. "I'll start looking into it. With some luck, I might find _something_ before we reach the next base EDI has tagged."

"You'd have to be _very_ lucky," Miranda comments.

"And, of course, we rarely are," I sigh.

Liara just shakes her head at us and heads for the elevator.

As the others head off, I lean back against the central CIC console and wait for the elevator traffic to clear. While I wait, I look around again. My gaze catches on the galaxy map. After a few brief flashes of the times I met her here, I find myself looking over the highlighted star clusters and mentally naming off the ones she took me to. The Serpent Nebula, where we first met; the Omega Cluster, where we were reunited after I believed her dead for two years; the galactic core, where we both almost gave our lives to hold off the Reapers; the Apien Crest, where we were reunited once again as we watched the Reapers hit Palaven; and…the Sol System…where I lost her forever.

 _No!_ I practically scream at myself, _Stop doing that to yourself, Garrus, that's what's killing you! She never wanted that!_ Once again, the powerful hallucination in her cabin and the message she left for me take hold—she'll always be with me, no matter what happens, she said. I have to believe that if I'm going to survive long enough to…to live how she wanted me to. To go on without her and…and…

Who am I kidding? I might be able to eventually fight off the grief enough to go on with my life, especially if I start finding something I can actually do with myself that doesn't constantly remind me of her, but I'll never be able to just move on. She said it herself that she didn't believe anyone could take my place. I know without a doubt no one can ever take hers. Of course, I remember how she once talked about having a special place in her heart for me and something about "making room for everyone else." Maybe that's all I need to do. But I also remember a conversation we had one night during the war…

 _I was in the battery, like usual, wondering over a particularly difficult algorithm and trying to distract myself from the pressures of the war. It'd been two weeks since the krogan were deployed to Palaven and I still hadn't heard anything from my family that was inspiring any hope of their survival. I was about ready to give up and storm off to the armory to try shooting something when the intercom sparked to life._

"Garrus?" _I heard her voice over the PA system, igniting something inside me that managed to drive my doubts away. No one else could do that. It was one reason I was so in love with her…and still am._ "Could you come up to my cabin?"

 _"I'll be right there," I answered, closing off the targeting systems and heading out. If nothing else, she managed to drag me away from some frustrating calculations that kept getting worse as I thought more about them. And, if only for a few moments, from the fear looming over me that my father and sister might not survive the night. When I got out of the elevator, I headed straight into the cabin. I hadn't bothered knocking or anything in all the days I'd been there, especially not when she invited me in first._

 _She was sitting on the bed, looking off to the side as if nothing of consequence was anywhere in the room besides the wall. She didn't even turn to face me when she heard me walk in. "I hope I wasn't pulling you away from anything important," she finally said, passively._

 _"No, I'm actually glad you did. I was going crazy down there." I couldn't resist a small smile as she gave one to me, but she still didn't look at me. Something was wrong. "Why'd you call me up here? Is everything OK?"_

 _"…yeah, I just…couldn't sleep."_

 _There was a melancholy tone beneath her words that told me there was more to it, something hurtful, but I knew not to pry too deeply. If it was bad enough that she didn't feel like sharing it outright, it was probably best not to bring it up. Still, that brought me to realize why she wanted me with her. Knowing full well my duty as her boyfriend, I made my way to the bed and sat down on it beside her, placing an arm around her. Only then did she turn her gaze to me and I saw a shadow instead of a spark in her eyes. Fear, despair, sorrow, pleading? None of those choices were emotions I would typically associate with the great Commander Shepard, but I had seen sparing amounts of all of them over the course of this war. She'd made it pretty clear, without even having to say it, that she_ needed _me as much as I needed her._

 _Gently, I reached over to run a talon through her hair and pull it back from her face. The gesture caused a small glint to return to her eyes for a moment and I knew she was either taunting me ("Come on, is that the best you can do?") or begging for more ("Garrus, you know that's only the first part of this. I called you up here for the rest."). So as my hand slowly ran down from her hair to her neck, I moved in closer. My fingers were just barely touching her skin as they made the descent and I could feel her practically shiver at the sensation. When my hand was at her shoulder, I pressed it to her back and applied just enough pressure to bring her in._

 _I still don't know how long we were kissing before we separated. It seemed like both a second and a century. All I know is that, when we did take a break for air, we were lying down instead of sitting and our bodies were pressed even closer together than when we started. We were content to stop there, but we still kept our arms around each other and didn't let go or otherwise move. We stayed close together, apparently all night. I was almost ready to start falling asleep there when her curiosity took hold._

 _"Garrus…do turians mate for life?"_

 _The question definitely caught me off-guard. I wasn't expecting that, especially not at a time like this. Still, I summoned up an answer: "Don't all species technically do that?"_

 _"Well, yeah, humans get married, asari get bonded, salarians…get reproductive contracts or whatever it is they do."_

 _I couldn't avoid letting off a small laugh at that one. She always knew how to get that from me._

 _"But if you're married and your partner dies, you can eventually try again with someone else. Do turians do that, too?"_

 _I heard it in her voice again. That downhearted tone that implied there was more to this than she wanted to admit or I wanted to face. "Well…yeah, as far as I know. Obviously, I've never tested it."_

 _She let off a small smile, something that told me she was considering something painful and I was the only thing keeping a light in that darkness._

 _"Why? Is that what 'mating for life' is?"_

 _"No. There are some animals, wolves especially, that find a mate and then, if that mate dies…never love again."_

…oh. _"…are you worried something's going to happen to one of us?"_

 _For a moment, she stopped moving and her grip on me tightened. I could still feel her heart pounding in her chest and my own started rushing a little harder at the pressure from her grasp. Then she pulled away and returned to the position she'd adopted before I entered the room, this time looking off into the distance instead of at the wall. "We've lost too many people in this war already. Kaidan, Mordin, Thane, Legion—how many other people I trust are the Reapers going to take away?" She then looked down at the bed and clenched her eyes shut as if struggling not to cry. "…I can't lose you, too."_

 _I was already grieving them and everyone I knew was lost on Palaven. But seeing her_ break down _for them was…was…I don't even have a word for it. I've heard the humans say "heartbreaking" before and it seems appropriate enough so maybe that's the one I should go with, even though somehow it doesn't feel nearly strong enough. It took a moment for me to work up the nerve to take her hand in mine and position it so she could feel my pulse and I could feel hers. "I'm right here. And I'm not going anywhere. Never again."_

 _It seemed like I didn't move for five minutes before she began to respond. I gave her the time she needed, focused on the steady, mesmerizing rhythm I felt from the blood vessels in her wrist. When she finally began to move, she looked over at our joined hands and seemed to inspect them as if looking for the source of the small, pounding beats she was feeling ringing through her fingertips. After a few seconds of observing the tender connection, she finally brought her eyes up to meet mine again and I saw the same pain in them I'd seen before our embrace, deeper now. But as her emerald green eyes met my "starry blue" (she'd always called them), she slowly began to let me in, as if begging me to keep her close and prove that I would stay with her for the rest of my life if I could._

 _And I would._

I just never got the chance to show her.

"Garrus?" Traynor suddenly says, the sudden sound of her voice intruding on my thoughts causing me to jump back from the CIC console, "Are you alright?"

I pull myself together. _Not here. Not now._ "Yeah, I just…" I don't know how to explain it to her. I could barely explain it to the others. So I sigh and head for the elevator. "…I just need some time alone." I don't even look at her as she attempts to talk to me. I focus on hitting the button for deck 1 and let the doors close between us. As I'm left alone, I lean back against the wall and turn my attention to the feeling of the slow ascension of the elevator itself.

"You're not doing yourself any good by blocking everyone else out."

I don't bother turning to face the voice. I know the ghost is back and standing right next to me, there's no reason I should acknowledge it and open myself to that again. The real Shepard told me I have to let it go. "I know."

"So why are you still doing it?" she asks pointedly, the sound of her voice almost breaking through my walls.

But I keep them up. It's not real. I can't keep clinging to it. "You honestly think they'd understand this?"

"They've been doing a fairly good job of it so far. Liara did say that they're here for you."

"And I believe my response was that I can't be here for them." The doors then open and let me back into the captain's cabin. I step through the doors with only one brief glimpse back at the redheaded apparition behind me. _It's not her. It's not real. No sense pretending otherwise._

"You still need them. Some of them know that. And you can't get through this mission or this poisoned grief state without—"

"Except I'm not on the mission anymore! And lecturing me about my grieving methods isn't exactly helping matters! And I was telling the truth about needing to be alone, so could you please stop tormenting me and—!" I then turn to face the haunting hallucination as I attempt to chase her off and I find that she's already gone. Problem solved.

So why do I feel like all I've done is made things worse?


	12. Chapter 12

Review reply: AmyNChan - Actually, it's the control option and I'm not at liberty to say more.

Chapter 12

I barely interact with anyone on the _Normandy_ for the next two days. I spend half of my time wallowing in grief in Shepard's cabin and the other half moving around the ship solely to gather dextro supplies and samples of the poison antidote. I keep holding back the hallucinations as best I can, but the memories assaulting me otherwise are too strong to avoid. I'm starting to feel the poison's effects at all times. The muscle weakness is negligible but the delirium seems to keep getting stronger. Pretty soon, the flashbacks start breaking through my senses. Every time, I lose my balance, lose my hold on reality, and wonder how in the galaxy I've survived this long without her.

 _Every now and then I just barely remember waking up after the gunship on Omega hit me, holding my rifle close while she rushed to tend to me, fading from awareness as she urged Jacob and Miranda to stabilize me and radio Joker to get the med bay ready. The last thing I remember from that day is her looking down at me with unmatched distress, her voice echoing inside me to drive the pain from my mind as she whispered that she wouldn't let anything happen to me. Sometimes in the past when I remembered that, I wondered if it was real or just a comatose dream. Now I know without a doubt it was real._

I only take passive note of the fact that the squad goes off to investigate the next Shadows base EDI located one day and the last one she found on the next day. I distantly regard the fact that both searches come up as inconclusive as the first and they now consider the mission "back to square one." Unless Liara can figure out whether or not there really are bugs in her network and who and where those bugs are, the search has just been bled dry and the Shadows cannot be found unless they come after us. Which, considering the fact that we're on a Thanix cannon-armed frigate in the middle of space, would not end well for either side.

 _Every time I start to drift off, I remember the night before Omega-4. Every passionate feeling as I opened myself up to her completely, every lively sensation she brought forth simply by touching me, every restless moment we spent locked together without any thought of holding back (because why would we when there was every chance of us walking to our deaths in less than two hours?)—it all forms an unbroken chain of spirit so strong that it envelopes me completely and I lose myself in every single link. That was the night I first knew we were really in love. Which is why I pretty much consider it the best night of my life._

I spend countless moments lying weakly on her bed and looking up at the stars through the viewing glass. Every spark in the sky reminds me of the spark in those emerald eyes, so each one brings another pang in my heart until I start to believe I'm having a heart attack. That doesn't exactly do anything for my health, especially considering the erratic pounding is probably stirring up the poison in my blood, but I don't have the strength to fight it. I can't bring myself to look away.

 _After some time, I find myself getting lost in my night with her after the party on the Citadel. While everyone else conked out on a couch or a spare bed, she let me into her private room and we spent the next hour talking or kissing before finally falling asleep together. At one point, she brought up my earlier comment about the dress she was wearing when we snuck into the casino and asked why I would question how a turian like me could get a girl like her. In response, I wound up asking her how I did._

 _"Should I start with your eyes or your voice?"_

 _"My voice is attractive to you?"_

 _"See?! Like that! You're doing that on purpose!"_

It gets to where I barely leave the cabin. Every moment I spend aching over this makes me weaker and I eventually lose the will to leave the deck except to drag myself on a supply run (and avoid contact with anyone else as much as I can in doing so). It never even occurs to me that it might be easier to go back to the battery, but what's the point? How could that change anything? I have just as many memories of her down there as I do up here and the ones down there are even more painful at times. If I'm going to lose myself anyway, I want to lose myself in moments like the night before Omega-4, the party on the Citadel, and my last night with her, not in moments like when I confided in her about losing faith in the course of the war or worried that my family could be dying…

… _or hid from her the fact that I was still in pain from the strike of the gunship. She had just come by to see how I was doing before we headed back to Omega to retrieve Mordin from the plague zone. She wanted to make sure I was alright and I see now why she cared so much—not just because I was the closest friend she had on the entire ship or because our past brought about a significant connection but because she was genuinely worried…because she loved me and just didn't know it yet. I opened up completely about what happened to my squad and the sympathy I saw behind her eyes was enough to make it a little better, but I didn't tell her that the scars were still searing. I needed her to know she could still count on me and I didn't want her to keep me back because she was afraid I'd get hurt again._

 _If it had been a few months later, I would have told her anyway. Then, if I did, she would have reacted a lot differently. She would have taken the opportunity to keep me close and at least try to tend to me herself. Eventually, it would have ended up like any one of our regular trysts and she'd end up dropping everything to devote herself entirely to me and I would have blocked out everything else so I could do the same. I can just imagine how she would've gently run her fingers over the scars, tracing them with a light touch that would awaken something inside me I never had for anyone else, and finally begun to kiss them with a loving tenderness that would draw me to pull her in and keep her as close as possible for as long as possible. That would be a moment I would've hoped would never end. Figures it's one of the many moments we never got to have._

At one point, I end up leaning against the wall by the miniature aquarium and watching the fish swim through it. I remember some nights when I would sneak in here and watch the fish while I waited for her to come back from a mission she didn't take me on. Then, when she came back, I'd have her all to myself for a while, no matter how short. She acted like it was unprofessional and annoying and even a breach of her privacy, but I knew she loved it. One reason why she did is because she knew I did. I loved those stolen moments as much as I loved her. I wish I could still do it. Just being in this position stirs up a patient longing inside me as if she'll come through the door any minute and make some playful comment about how long I've been standing here.

 _She always did love to play with me. She made it a game to see how much she could get me to squirm. As much as it bothered me, I know now that I secretly enjoyed it if only because it brought out a side of her I loved more than anything. I loved everything about her with the same fire. Nothing can change that. I cared about her in a way I've never cared about anything or anyone else and never will again. From the moment our eyes first met, from the first words we spoke to each other, it seemed like time stopped when I was around her and I was right where I belonged. When I was in a fight or on a mission, it seemed like I was only at my best when I was at her side. Even when I was leading half the squad through the Collector base and she was leading the other half, I fought harder because I could hear her over the COMM and I knew every Collector I took out brought me a step closer to being back with her. Leaving her on the_ Normandy _when she broke up the team a few weeks later was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Hearing about the attack on Earth just before Palaven was hit made things even harder. I fought through the Reapers with all the strength I had, but my will to fight was only restored when I saw her at the camp again. I saw it in her eyes and the way she smiled at me that it was the same for her. And I felt it when I took her hand that the contact between us, something we had been deprived of for six months and so desperately missed, was what brought us both back from the edge._

 _"I'm hard to kill," I smirked at her when she voiced her concern for me, "You should know that."_

 _The look in her eyes following the comment told me everything I needed to know: "Yeah, I know that. But I'm still not letting you leave my sight this time." That night, when she kissed me for the first time in_ way _too long, I knew this was where I was meant to be: with her. No matter how the war turned out, I wanted it to end with both of us together and I was going to do whatever it took to make sure it worked out that way._

It still didn't. But I tried. I tried so hard to stay with her at the end. All the strength I had left after Harbinger's attack was used trying to get back into the fight with her. I wanted so desperately to ignore every stab of pain and stay at her side, but she wanted more for me to get out of there alive. With a few words, one look in my eyes, and three seconds of her hand on my scars, she managed to break down every wall I had and take away all the strength I had left to fight her. I made sure she knew without a doubt before the end that I truly loved her and I still struggled to reach her and keep her with me, but there was nothing I could do to stop her from running off to her death. She was a hero. It didn't matter to her if she ever saw me again as long as I survived and the war was won. That should be enough to ease the pain of losing her. But it's not. And time isn't changing anything. I missed her the same after 12 minutes that I did after 12 days, 12 weeks, and 12 months. Maybe it's just the poison or maybe it's the clone, but I miss her even more now.

With a sigh, I drop into the chair beside the bed. The same chair I was in when she woke up from her last nightmare and came to me for solace. That's certainly something I could use now. How else am I supposed to get through this? As I contemplate what an acceptable answer might be, I look over at the frame on her bedside table, at the picture of all of us at the end of the party. I don't have time to think about it before my hand reaches over and gently fingers the section of the image where she is shown. Because this is as close as I'll ever get to touching her again.

I can't take it anymore. Without giving it a second thought, I call up my omni-tool and bring up her last message to me again. Her dying words, her last command, her final goodbye. It feels like this is all I have left of her. I know that's not true, but the pain that the thought brings forth disagrees. After the message finishes playing through, the memories start striking at my mind all over again and become interlaced with the words she left for me. My mind starts shifting between the ecstasy of simply holding her hand in mine and the elation of hearing her voice again after months of mournful silence.

 _"There's no Shepard without Vakarian."  
_ _"No one in the galaxy could ever take your place."_

 _"You know I love you. And I always will."  
_ _"I've never cared about anyone the way I care about you."_

 _"I don't want something 'closer to home.' I want you."  
_ _"You deserve your happy ending."_

 _"Well, here I am…exactly where I want to be."  
_ _"Every moment I've had with you has been…_ perfect _."_

 _"Goodbye, Garrus. And if I'm up there in that bar and you're not…I'll be looking down. You'll never be alone."  
_ _"…I'll be waiting for you, watching for you, when I move on. I'll always be with you. And call this my last order as your commander:_ please do not _hurry to follow me…but make sure you come find me when you get there. I love you, Garrus. Goodbye."_

"So you're just going to lie around and wait for the others to finish this without you? Or are you hoping the poison will get you before then because there's no suitable counteragent?"

No. Not the ghost, not now. I can't take that. "Just leave me alone," I growl, turning to face the wall instead of look at her.

"Right, so you can just keep going on without changing a thing? How is that supposed to do you any good? What do you get from just throwing your life away like this? I told you not to hurry to follow me and you're not—"

THAT DOES IT! I instantly storm to my feet and turn to glare at her as harshly as I can. " _You_ didn't say that! Commander Sara Shepard died to activate the Crucible. She gave her life so that the Reapers would undo the damage they caused, go back into dark space, and break the galactic extinction cycle permanently. _She_ gave me that command. _She_ gave her life for…for the galaxy and…for… _me_." The thought breaks down my rage and drives me to my knees. "…the woman I loved is gone. She's dead. …she died to save me."

The image of her looks down at me for a moment, simply watching as I give in to the strongest grief I've had since the beginning of this. Finally, she kneels down beside me and meets my eyes. "Yes. She did. And you have to make sure that sacrifice was worth something."

…yeah. I do. Anything less is dishonoring her memory as much as the clone. I can't let that happen. I have to face this. So I turn back to the ghost and say it: "I know. Thank you."

She just nods and walks away. Even as I watch her go, she fades away completely.

Alright. Now it's up to me. I have to find some way to fight off the poison and get back in the fight. I don't care if I never get my chance to take the clone down as long as I don't let myself get paralyzed like on Korlus and I—

…and Ilium…

That's when I make the connection.

Korlus. Ilium.

The suicide mission. Korlus is where Shepard picked up Grunt, and Ilium is where we recruited Thane and Samara. The Black Shadows _are_ in Liara's network, and they have access to Shepard's records. Is this whole thing really some big, elaborate piece of the grand scheme? Is that how the clone caught us at both places, like she knew we were going to be there? Because we were _supposed_ to find them?

I start thinking this over. Maybe the pattern continues. Maybe our skirmishes leading up to the Collector base can lead us to the Shadows' actual base. It could even be that the dead businessman on Ilium was a ploy and the real initiator of the contract is hiding somewhere.

Obviously, they don't have access to the Lazarus facility where Shepard came back to life and found Jacob and Miranda. Also obviously, they can't have established anything on the prison ship where we picked up Jack, _Purgatory_ —mostly because we crashed it. And surely they're not stupid enough to try setting up camp on the planet where we rescued Tali, Haestrom, home of the most unstable sun in the galaxy. That just leaves one option.

Omega. Of course! Suddenly, everything makes sense. Where else would an assassins' guild like the Shadows take root?

I know Omega better than most people. I have no choice but to lead the mission for this one. I have to forget what happened to the last squad I led there and ignore the neurotoxin pounding in my veins. I have to get us to the heart of the Terminus Systems.

Before I realize I'm even moving, I make my way to the elevator and head to deck 3. I hurry into the crew quarters to find the others and tell them that I've figured everything out.

But the crew quarters are empty.

I check the XO office and the observation decks only to come up empty there as well. I don't have time to waste checking decks 4 and 5, so I head straight up to deck 2.

Traynor is standing right where she always is, at the communications terminal. She's so focused on her work that she doesn't notice I'm there until I put my hand on her shoulder. The contact startles her and makes her jump back, almost hitting the console in the process. "Oh!" She sighs, catching her breath. "Garrus. You scared me."

"Sorry. Where is everyone?"

"They headed back to the Citadel. EDI recovered some data from the terminal at the office on Ilium that indicates the Shadows' employer had contacts there. They're going to try interrogating some of them."

The Citadel. The place where I met her. The place where I lost her. The place that was already housing extremely well-hidden crime rings _before_ it was trashed by the energy blast that rewrote the Reapers. So trashed that, after 13 months, it's still only partially been restored. The Presidium is almost back to normal, but the Wards, the most likely place to find anything related to the Shadows, are so torn up that the mayhem would let anything hide there. Even a pack of assassins.

The squad is walking right into a trap.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

It seems like everyone on the _Normandy_ is trying to talk me out of it when I grab my guns back and sneak out the airlock to the docking bay to follow the squad's tracks. I don't blame them. I was the first to say I wasn't fit for duty. Still, I make sure to grab three samples of the poison antidote before I head out so that I'm covered if the effects take hold again. Of course, that pretty much sentences _me_ to death if I fail to save the squad, because the three samples are all we have left and the antidote is gradually losing effectiveness as is.

But the poison isn't what's killing me at the moment. Right now, I keep thinking about how this is the second time I've had a 12-man squad at my command and then left them to their own devices long enough for them to walk into a trap. It's like I'm cursed.

 _Cut it out, Vakarian!_ I snap at myself, shaking it off and focusing on the matter at hand, _They're not dead yet! And you're not letting what happened on Omega happen again!_ No. I'm not. I'm getting to them before the assassins do. I'm headed there now.

Traynor gave me the location of their first lead—a volus somewhere on the Silversun Strip. As I head there, I turn on my COMM and start attempting to make contact. "EDI? Liara? It's Garrus! Tali? Ash? Someone respond!" Nothing. The line's dead. Something's scrambling the frequency. Now there's not a doubt in my mind that this is an elaborate trap. That's enough to make me move as fast as I can to get to where they are.

I make it to the location in a few minutes. I look over at the building and find that it's the skycar lot where the CAT6 mercs attacked me and Shepard. Before I can stop it, my mind flashes back to that night…

 _"So," I smirked to her as she came up to me, "having a bad day, Shepard?"_

 _"You could say that," she commented, lowering the suppressor pistol she had picked up and tossing a passive glance at the mercs I'd taken out just before she came by._

 _I let off a small laugh for her and returned to the matter at hand: "Landing pad's just over there…" I gestured to it. "…but it's behind a locked gate."_

 _She nodded. "Let's look for a control panel."_

 _I watched her move ahead of me. As I did, I took in the sight of her. "…nice outfit…"_

 _She then took the time to stop walking and give me a look._

 _"…control panel. Right."_

 _She sighed, rolling her eyes and returning to the search._

I can't resist the urge to laugh at the memory, though I do manage to keep it quiet and avoid detection. I stick to an alley, away from the traffic, and keep to the shadows to scope the place out. I peer through the scope of my sniper rifle, looking for any sign of the squad. Nothing. No trace of their COMM signals or a jamming signal that could be blocking them either. I give myself five seconds to vent my frustrations before rushing off towards the next NavPoint, all the while hoping to ping their COMMs or establish contact with EDI and all the while failing.

I know instantly that something is very, very wrong. EDI's primary functions exist in the AI core on the _Normandy_. Even if I can't establish contact with her body, I should be able to establish contact with _her_. Unless whatever's jamming the COMM systems is somehow limiting her awareness, keeping her isolated from the ship. That would be very, very bad.

I keep heading to my destination. This one is in the financial district on the Presidium. Not much chance of a trap there (not as much as in the Wards, at least), but I can't afford to take _any_ chances at this point. I'm not in any condition to mess with a skycar, so I head for the nearest transit station and silently beg it to _Move FASTER!_ But it doesn't help anything when the transport passes by the top of the Presidium.

 _I was lounging by the transport when she walked up. I instantly started moving closer to her. Distance was not something to value when it came to us. "Shepard. Glad you came."_

 _She smiled and I saw that spark in her eyes again. "What'd you have in mind?"_

 _"Something that doesn't involve fighting Reapers."_

 _She scoffed, shaking her head. "That's hard to find these days. I suppose we could catch a hanar poetry reading."_

 _I knew she was messing with me, but the suggestion still took me by surprise. "No offense, but, if the end of the galaxy is coming, I'm not going out on the phrase 'This one feels like a flower.'"_

 _I think it took all the restraint she had not to laugh. "So?"_

 _"So, I had an idea…" I headed back over to the skycar and unlocked it._

I start trying to fight it off. The transport has almost reached its destination and I need to keep my guard up. _Focus…focus…_

 _"Where are we going?" she asked five minutes into the ride._

 _"Somewhere we're not supposed to," I smirked in answer._

 _"Now you're talking!"_

 _I smiled to myself. As much as I loved getting in trouble with her, the fact that she pretty much reveled in it was both pleasing and humorous to me. Still, I found myself wondering if what I said at the docking bay was right and the end of the galaxy was coming. The thought of our last days approaching was enough to return my focus completely to the matter at hand. "Ever have that one thing you always wanted to do before you died, Shepard?"_

 _She just smirked, finding that I had just given her the perfect opportunity to rack up points in her personal game of "Playing With Garrus." "I've woken up with a turian next to me."_

I practically have to hit myself to get my head out of the sky and move out of the transport as it stops. I make my way back into the shadows and start heading unseen to the next NavPoint. But every step I take is in plain view of the fountain…

… _and every second I look at the fountain reminds me of that perfect moment when she stepped out of the skycar. Of the unmatched beauty of Sara Shepard standing at the top of the world and admiring the view. "It's incredible."_

 _I found myself voicing the thought at the front of my mind: "I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope it would inspire a certain…_ mood _."_

 _She slowly turned her attention from the water below to me. "Something on your mind?" she asked, her voice light but laced with the playful tone she had used in the skycar._

 _I pushed back the emotions and desires raging inside me and focused on what I came here to air out. With the uncertainty, the nerves I'd come to associate with the days before Omega-4 started to creep back in. But I forced myself to come out with it. I needed to know. "It seemed like you needed time to…figure us out." I took a few steps closer to her, my eyes fixed on hers. "Are you ready to be a 'one-turian' kind of woman?"_

 _She smiled again, the teasing well and truly gone as she returned my gaze wholeheartedly and said exactly what I hoped she would: yes. "The only thing that made leaving Earth bearable was knowing you were out there somewhere."_

 _She meant it. I could tell. That was enough to chase my nerves away completely so that I returned the favor. "I felt the same way. The worst part about the galaxy going to hell would've been never getting to see you again."_

 _She moved in closer, the look in her eyes telling me what she felt before she even said it. "Well, here I am…exactly where I want to be." Before I could even react, she wrapped her arms around me and let the distance between us close completely. "I love you, Garrus Vakarian."_

 _As soon as she said it, so strongly that I knew without a doubt it was true, the nerves started back in again. Mostly because I had no idea how to respond since I couldn't exactly top that. "…wow. The vids Joker gave me…well, they never got this far. There was the part about sleeping together, but this…I don't exactly know what to do."_

 _She laughed. Then she smiled at me, softly but brightly, and gave me what I'd like to consider the best order I ever got from my commander: "You grab the girl…and kiss her like you mean it."_

 _I immediately smiled, grabbed her by the waist, pushed her over so that she was completely in my arms, and kept my eyes locked on hers as I felt the rush of "sweeping her off her feet" flow through me. "That I can do." Then I pulled her in and we kissed, the strongest and most passionate of all our days together._

 _When we finally broke off to catch our breath, her smile had reached full strength as well and her eyes practically shined with joy. "And rather well."_

I snap back into reality when my foot slips and I almost fall off a ledge. _Knock it off, Vakarian! Keep going like this and the assassins will get to them before you ever find them!_ This time, it works. I've just reminded myself what's really at stake, and I'm not about to risk my closest friends' lives just because I couldn't stop floundering in grief for five minutes.

I keep moving to my target, not stopping until I'm in sight of it. I scout out the area as carefully as I can, as fast as I can. No luck here either. But, this time, I catch a trace of the jamming signal that's disabling their COMMs. I can't scan it or track it, but I can see how complex it is.

It's targeting EDI's systems specifically. That's how they're cutting off the squad's COMMs without disabling every technical system in the area and keeping EDI from contacting the _Normandy_. Somehow, a Shadows tech expert got their hands on EDI's specs and developed some sort of virus specifically for her, probably to take the place of species-specific poison.

And now our situation is officially very, very, _very_ bad. I have to get to the next NavPoint _now_!

The next target is back in the Wards, a prime spot for a trap, but it's nearby enough that I can catch the jamming signal. I can reach it in only a few minutes without need for a transport if I move fast. So I start off, still keeping out of sight as best I can. Hopefully, even if the Shadows do manage to catch sight of me, they'll be too preoccupied with the others to notice or think the poison is already affecting me too much for me to matter. If that ends up being the case, I sincerely hope it's the first option.

Unfortunately, my path out puts me in plain view of my meeting point with Shepard again. This time, I don't even notice the memory is sneaking in on me again before it's already taken over and it's too late to fight it off.

 _We'd gone a round shooting bottles, trying to find out once and for all who was the best shot. She took the rifle, lined up her shot, and signaled for me to give her a target. …I can see it now. She veered her shot just slightly to the side, letting her target fall out of her sights. She really did miss on purpose._

 _Not that I knew back then. And, of course, my reaction is probably exactly what she wanted: me bursting with delight so much that I outright declared "I'm Garrus Vakarian and THIS IS NOW MY FAVORITE SPOT ON THE CITADEL!"_

 _If she was smirking inwardly, she didn't show it. She feigned defensiveness so well that I barely noticed it was an act. "It's windy up here!"_

 _I just smirked at her, wrapping my arm around her as I started my own game of "Playing With Shepard": "There, there, it's OK. I know there are other things you're good at."_

I shake it off and keep moving. But I can't deny the thought surging inside me now, so strong it hurts. _It was a mistake coming to the Citadel now. I have almost as many memories of her here as I do on the ship._

No. I'm not losing it now. She wouldn't want that. _Just breathe. The harder you get your heart working, the faster the poison's gonna spread._

Breathe.

The signal is getting stronger. I must be getting closer to the source.

Breathe.

I still can't contact any of the others, but I can tell they're close by.

 _Just like I could always tell when she was coming close to the battery doors—_

 _Breathe_!

I can't pinpoint the signal. As I start getting closer, my own COMM drops out. At least I know I'm on the right track.

 _She always knew where to go. I followed her through swarms of Rachni, trusted her with my life, because I knew she—_

BREATHE!

But every time I have to remind myself, breathing gets harder. I'm never gonna reach the others if this keeps up. So I lean against a nearby wall and try to calm my heart rate again before my blood starts outright fighting me. But as soon as my mind slows down, another memory takes over…

 _It was just an hour or so after the mission to get the Reaper IFF, the mission where we found Legion, when she came to check on me. After dwelling on nerves since she first approached the topic with me, I seized the opportunity to tell her exactly how I felt._

 _"Have you got a minute?" she asked me. She said the same thing every time she came to see me. As time went by, the words seemed to mean more and more. This time, when she said it, I could practically see it in her eyes that she meant "I wish I could stay all night down here with you."_

 _So I answered with pure honesty, never giving myself a second to think about my answer before I gave it: "_ Definitely _." I took exactly three seconds to take it in when she smiled. I loved it almost as much as I loved her. Then I told her what I'd been aching to all day: "Part of me still thinks we're crazy for even considering…blowing off steam. But I wanna try it with you. I want a few moments that are just for us before we throw ourselves into hell for the good of the galaxy."_

 _She never once let her smile fade at all. "I want that, too, Garrus." She said it in a light tone, but it was laced with the same passion she showed the next evening when we were first truly together. The gentle fire in her eyes as she looked at me was enough to make me really fall in love with her all at once._

 _I smiled, the words I wanted to say next escaping me completely as my feelings took over my thoughts again. "Glad to hear it," I finally brought myself to say, attempting to ignore how the nerves started crawling back into me (Because what if something went wrong? How could I stand to lose her that way?), "I'll…do some research…and…figure out how to…you know."_

 _She just gave me a look of sheer amusement. As much as it bugged me, she loved it when I got flustered like that._

 _"…OK, that sounded bad."_

She did that to me every time. She was the only one who could. I'd think about her for hours, plan and plan on what I'd do when she came by the next time, then lose every thought I had the moment she said one word to me. Mostly, it was the nerves. I'd never had someone like that before, never mind a _human_ , and I kept wondering what would happen if I messed it up. Especially considering the fact that she was my commander on a suicide mission. But after Omega-4, I knew it was going to work. From then on, when she did it to me, it was because I didn't want to talk. I wanted to take one more moment like that night, forget about the Reapers, and lose myself in her completely. When our eyes met, I could see she felt the same way, most of all on the nights when the war was too much for her to handle alone. We needed each other.

I still need her. Now more than ever.

 _Focus, Garrus,_ I snap at myself, _The others need you. You can't let yourself lose it like that again. Not now._ But what's the point in lecturing myself about it? Every time I think I can get control again, she worms her way back into my head and it all becomes more than I can take.

What was it she said to me that one time? …oh, yeah.

 _"The most dangerous thing you can do is give your heart to someone."_

Guess I've proved her right.

My thoughts are finally shocked away when I hear something nearby. If I'm not mistaken, that's the sound of biotics blasting, bullets flying, tech attacks bursting, and krogan charging. The unmistakable cacophony of my squad-mates. Looks like I found the fight after all.

The noises are coming from a building nearby. I quickly pull my gun out, administer one of the antidote samples, and follow the sound of gunfire. As I draw closer and the commotion gets louder and stronger, I know something's wrong. These are the same people I saw take on waves of Brutes and Banshees, a swarm of Collectors, and entire armies of geth. Yet these assassins are actually proving to be a challenge for all 11 of them combined. When I finally reach the building, I can see why. I can just barely see the fight through windows left cracked by the Crucible's blast. I can just barely see flashes of my teammates' struggles, streaks of fire and dark energy…and arrows launched by a bow carried by a woman with light red hair.

The clone is here.

Before I can move in, a concussive shot goes off and a certain quarian in an onyx suit comes tumbling through the windows. I instantly rush over to catch her and we hit the ground together. She quickly shakes it off (probably didn't bother her much with all the shock absorbers and other upgrades she added to her suit over the years) and notices who broke her fall. "Garrus? Not that I'm not grateful, but what are you doing here?"

"I figured out this was a trap," I explain as fast as I can, helping her to her feet even as she helps me to mine, "Your COMMs were disabled, so I came to warn you. Looks like I'm too late."

"We knew something was wrong when EDI said she couldn't reach the ship," Tali explains, "But we caught sight of the clone and we had to…had to…" The moment she starts trying to walk again, she almost falls over.

I catch her, keeping her steady. "Are you alright?"

"I…I'm fine, I just…just need to…just need a minute…"

"That fall hit you hard," I realize, looking for some way to get her out of sight before they catch her weakened, "You're in no condition to fight."

"And you are?"

I then take notice of a door nearby leading to a closed-off area. Safe as it gets around here. I start leading her to it, supporting her as best I can. "That doesn't matter now. You'll only stay safe now if they don't find you." I approach the door and open it, setting her down inside. "Stay in here. At least if they do catch you in here, you'll have a fighting chance. Come out when it's died down, I'll try to hold them off." Before she can debate the issue anymore, I close the door and head off.

Five meters from the door, I find myself in a perfect sniping position to catch the clone. She's currently tussling with Liara while the assassins ( _She actually brought backup this time? What's the deal?_ ) keep the others busy. Liara is a ranged fighter, so I can get a clear shot. If I make it, we can end this once and for all. If I don't, Liara will eventually wear herself out and go down, at which point the clone will move to combatants that have been worn out already and, if Ilium is anything to go by, won't have much of a chance against her. I have to make a move now, so I pull out my sniper rifle and peer through the scope.

She ducks under a warp field supplied by Liara. _Steady…_ She fires off an arrow that forces Liara back from my line of fire. _Steady…!_ I can get a clear shot, but I have to fire…NOW!

I aim and let it off. The bullet flies through the cracked glass between us, past the others in the room, and right at the target…and hits the wall just behind her.

I missed.

Before I can comprehend how I managed to miss that or anyone can figure out where that shot came from, the archer has knocked out Liara. The others start trying to make up for it, but they don't notice what I can see from down here: two of the assassins creeping out of the shadows to drag the unconscious Shadow Broker away. That's the trap. Reel us in and put us all down at once. I have to stop this now.

…but I missed.

Even as I hack my way through the doors and head up to the second level to join the fight, my mind is racing again, not with memories of Shepard this time but with thoughts of _HOW COULD I MISS THAT?!_ It's the poison, it's gotta be.

…right?

Yes, it is. The muscle weakness was setting in again, throwing off my aim like on Ilium. My heart was pounding in the heat of the moment when I took aim, that must have gotten the poison moving again.

…right?

For a fleeting second, I flash back to that moment on the Presidium when Shepard purposely missed her target. …no. NO! I didn't miss on purpose! I'm not stupid, I know…that…that it's not her. Because it's not. It's a clone. We've proved it. This is the third time we've faced her. She's never said a word to us, she's tried to kill us at every turn, her brain waves read completely different from the original Sara Shepard— _It's a clone, Vakarian, you know that! It's not her, it's a clone! IT'S!_ _NOT! __**HER!**_

I throw those thoughts out completely when I reach the door. I can hear the fight raging on the other side. I can hear cries of pain as more of my friends get knocked down and dragged out and even a sharp mechanical racket as EDI's body is temporarily disabled (which is especially bad considering she's still disconnected from the main AI core and probably can't be restored until the connection is reestablished).

We're losing. Again. I can't let that happen.

I hit the door. It doesn't open. _Come on, come on! COME ON!_ I start trying to bypass it. No luck. Time to try Wrex's way. I take a step back, locate the locking mechanism, and pull my gun out to shoot it.

Before I get the chance, the door opens and Wrex himself comes flying through, knocking me over and hitting the wall behind me. For a moment, it's like a flashbang went off. As I shake off the ringing in my ears and attempt to get back on my feet, I notice the assassins leading away what's left of the squad. No one's still up and fighting. It's over unless I can finish this myself. And the odds of that are extremely low.

"…what's the turian doing here? Shouldn't he be dead already?"

"Don't worry. _She'll_ take care of it."

Before I can figure out who was talking, I see someone moving towards me. Someone with a bow. A redheaded, green-eyed someone holding an arrow and prepared to use it like a knife. When she gets close enough to strike, I roll out of the way, grabbing my gun back, and let the blade hit the floor where I was. The other assassins are clearing out. It's just me and her. And I'm even weaker now than I was last time when she proved she was already a match for me. This isn't going to end well.

Once we're both back on our feet and the area is clear, she puts her bow away and I do the same with my rifle. Then we start into the real fight. I try to strike first, but she counters before I make contact and uses the window I unknowingly left open to kick me in the gut. I attempt to block her, but I'm too slow. The attack throws me to the side, lets her grab onto me and toss me into the room Wrex was just tossed out of. But even on the floor, I now have the advantage. When she moves in closer to finish me off, I move around to kick her in the leg. As she tenses in response, I grab her by the arm and pull her down. I roll with her motions, getting on top of her once she's down. I think I finally have her pinned. I'm wrong. She manages to stay mobile enough to head-butt me, which makes me recoil enough for her to knee me in the stomach and fall back. She's free again, which gives her a chance to pin _me_ down. She presses her boot to my chest and pushes down. The pressure causes my heart rate to go up. I can practically feel the poison rushing back into my bloodstream at full strength. I know she just sped up my demise. But I'm not going out that easily. Not like this. So I use all the strength I have left to throw her off. I do a reasonably good job. She hits the wall on the far side of the room. I pull myself back to my feet and start to move in to end it before she can recover or make a move like I used on her. I never get that far. The moment I'm standing again is the same moment a grenade rolls up to me. I move as fast as I can to get out of range but I'm not fast enough anymore. It goes off, the force throwing me through a nearby window.

I drop to the ground again, the poison pounding in my veins. Once I can move at all, I look up at the broken window through which the archer that looks so much like the woman I loved is staring me down and aiming an arrow at me. I don't have the strength to move out of the way and no one is here to cover me this time. My shields are down and my weapon is out of my reach. If she fires now, it's all over.

This is it then. It's not the poison or the grief that's going to kill me but a metal shaft in my flesh. As I prepare to face my end, clenching my eyes shut so I don't have to watch as the dart penetrates my defenses and unleashes a flow of blue blood, I remember how several different people from several different species have talked about how your life flashes before your eyes in the moments just before you die. I think I've just proved it true because I suddenly remember in the space of a few seconds my life on Palaven, most of the cases I worked at C-Sec, and every mission I took with Shepard. As the memories give way completely to her—every time I tracked her down in the CIC and dragged her over to see her before a mission, every morning I opened my eyes and saw her lying beside me, every stolen moment we managed to find during the war when the loss of our home-worlds was too much for either of us to bear alone and all we had left was each other—as the feeling I've come to associate with my emerald-eyed commander takes me over, I remember her "last command": _"Come find me when you get there."_ Guess I'm about to get my chance to carry it out.

Just when I begin to accept this, just when I begin to believe that I've failed everyone that matters to me and all that's left for me is to rejoin the human I've grieved so hard over for more than a year, I hear the metallic sound of the arrow being loosed and the hum of its flight through the air towards me. I hear it hit something but I don't feel any change. For a moment, I wonder if perhaps it went straight through the armor and into my heart, if I met my end with a merciful speed and I'm already up in that turian heaven I told her about.

Then I open my eyes. I'm still on the Citadel, still kneeling on the ground and waiting for a strike that never came, _still alive_. I look around in confusion and see the arrow planted in the ground just to the right of me. I turn my gaze up to the archer, wondering how she could have missed.

I only catch a brief glimpse of her before she runs off. But the look in her eyes tells me…she missed on purpose.

Too weak to do much of anything else, I turn to inspect the arrow, wondering why she would let me go. I get my answer when the arrow suddenly opens and releases a stream of gas. I don't have time to get out of the way or catch my breath before it's already in my system. The effects take hold instantly. The world around me begins to seem hazy and spinning. As my other senses begin to feel the threat of an attack on my nervous system, I'm once again reminded of the day Shepard led us through a plague zone to get to Mordin. This certainly feels like the early stages of the infection. It can't have any more pleasant after-effects.

So I don't get the swift release of bleeding out from an arrow to the gut, but at least I'm still going out faster than the poison would allow. No escaping this time. I can feel my heart slowing down. It's too late to get away. As I collapse completely and my vision fails, I let my fondest memories of Shepard blanket me again, focus on every second I looked into her eyes, every time we touched, every word she ever said to me. My last thought before everything fades away is speaking directly to her: _Guess I'm meeting you up there after all. I hope you saved me a seat at that bar._


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

 _I don't know where I am when I start to feel my senses coming back. I'm definitely aware…but am I still alive? I can't remember how I got here. I try to open my eyes and clear the darkness around me but they're already open. What's going on? I struggle to put the pieces together. Assassins, poison, team is in danger—I have to get back to—_

 _"Garrus?"_

… _to…no…no, it's not possible. I know that voice better than any other. Hearing it say my name brings back the lightness in my heart I haven't felt in so long. But this can't be real. She…she was…what was it? …was she dead? Or…was I dead? No, I vaguely remember the thought breaking through my mind, tearing me down—_ She's gone, she gone, she's really gone forever.

 _But she's not. Because she's here. When I feel her touch on my hand, I know it. Not a hallucination. Not an image on a screen. It's her. It has to be. I look up and find myself once again gazing into vivid green eyes I haven't seen since…since when? What happened? I don't remember._

 _I don't care._

 _"Shepard." I say her name and every other thought escapes my grasp. What could be more important than this? She's here. I can see her, I can touch her—that's proof this is real. It has to be._

 _She smiles as she reaches up to press her hand against my scars. Like she always did before. The feeling it invokes is so strong that I barely remember anything else, not even how I got those scars and why it seems like we haven't seen each other in decades. How long has it been anyway? It feels like a lifetime._

 _"I missed you, Garrus," she says as she draws even closer. Every inch between us is a year of my life I spent without her. Every inch she closes pushes them away for good. "What took you so long?"_

 _What did? Why in the galaxy would I possibly wait a single second to spend my eternity at her side? I can't think of any reason that could've made me stay away. "…I don't remember."_

 _She gives me a curious look but she knows not to ask for more. She's always known me better than anyone. How could I ever need anyone else? "It doesn't matter. You're here now."_

 _"Yeah," I speak softly, pulling her closer, desperate to keep her safe and never let her slip away again, "I am. And you're with me. That's all that matters." All that matters. Right. Nothing else. What else is there? I don't remember that either. Every image I can conjure is a moment spent with her. Every moment I spent with her is so pure and passionate that I can't believe anything else in existence could ever be half as important as having her here. No, all I need to know is that I love her, that she's here, and that we're never being separated again. I'm not even sure what could've possibly separated us the first time. How could I let anything ever keep me from her?_

 _Then she closes every space between us and we kiss for the first time in…in…too long. Every second we're locked together drives another thought or memory away. I don't remember anything except this, the unrivaled intoxication of Sara Shepard and our love. And I don't care. Nothing else matters. Nothing else could matter. All I could ever want or need is here with her._

 _But then something breaks through. I hear the sound of a distant voice calling my name. It seems to be coming from miles away and I don't even recognize it. But it seems so familiar that I actually pull myself free and take the time to question it. "What was that?"_

 _"What was what?" Shepard asks, her voice taking me over until it feels like my heart stops and I begin to wonder if I would care if it did, "I didn't hear anything."_

 _Right. Right, I didn't either. I couldn't hear anything except that voice I hold so close to my heart. Suddenly, I can't remember why I pulled away from her and I'm desperate to bring her close again. So I take hold of her and rush back into our embrace like it's the only thing sustaining me. It might as well be. I can't imagine I could ever need anything else to survive and I can't believe I could ever survive without it. No, I couldn't. This is all there is for me. Nothing else exists._

—Garrus! _—_

 _The voice is closer and even more familiar now. The shock brings me to break the embrace again, this time by pushing her away. "There it is again."_

 _"It's nothing, honey," she tries to assure me, "You're imagining things." I almost succumb to the allure of her voice again and let it chase away everything I hold to be reality. But then those words begin to bring me back and I know why that voice in the shadows seems so familiar._

 _Reality. Imagining things._ Hallucinations _. The poison. The gas. The assassins. The archer. The team that got captured. That's_ Tali _calling for me!_

 _"No!" I try to push it back, try to give in completely to this…this…it's a dream? No, it can't be! It has to be real! But…but it isn't. Because there's something else that matters after all. Because I have friends in danger and I have to help them. I can't let them get hurt or let Tali suffer trying to save them alone just because I selfishly want to sacrifice EVERYTHING to lose myself here with all I have left of my_ kalwen _._

 _When I meet her eyes again, I see a pain inside them that tells me she knows I'm waking up and she wants to keep me here as much as I want to stay. But I can't. And the fact that she knows that is agonizing._

 _"I have to go," I force myself to admit it. The results of the admission almost bring her to cry again or even lead me to show her my discovery that turians can cry, too. "The others need me." I start to pull away, but she grips my hand like a vise. The pressure drives me back to her side and forces me to meet her eyes again so that I start to wonder if I might break a bone unless I surrender my mind to this vision again, completely this time._

 _"You promised you'd never let me go again," she says, her voice shaking with tears. The pangs in my heart in response to the plea are more than I can take. But I can't let myself think about that. Not when I have family that need me._

 _So I keep my eyes on hers and reach up to wipe her tears away. "I know. And I won't." Then I kiss her one last time, pry her hand away from mine, and fall back into the shadows._

 _"Garrus! Come back!"_

"Garrus! Garrus, please, you have to wake up! GARRUS!"

I have trouble breathing, moving, and even opening my eyes when I stumble back into reality. Slowly, as my strength starts to come back, I begin to remember where I am and how I got there. Finally, I force my eyes open. "Tali?"

She sighs with relief as I truly wake up. "Keelah! Don't do that to me!"

I groan as the tightness in my entire body eventually fades and I force myself up from the ground, letting her help me stay upright. Then my gaze catches on the arrow I'm lying beside. The one that released a poisonous gas I thought was deadly. "Why am I still alive?"

"You had some of the antidote for the poison on you when—"

"No, I mean why didn't the gas arrow kill me?"

Tali looks at the arrow in confusion and starts scanning it. "Hmm…there's just enough traces of it left here to get a reading. It's not poisonous. It's just a knockout gas."

"What? Why wouldn't she take the chance to finish me while she could?"

"I don't know," Tali answers as she closes down her omni-tool, "But it gave her a chance to get away and, wherever she went, she's got our ten closest friends."

"She'll be with the other Shadows," I say as I force myself back to my feet, "And I think they're on Omega."

"Omega? How do you know?"

"Because…I just know. Look, we all know there's a chance they're in Liara's network. If they are, then they know everything about Shepard's missions. So if we keep with the pattern of Korlus and Ilium…"

"…then Omega is either their next target or their headquarters."

"Either way, that's where they'll be headed now. And I know Omega. If there's any place in the galaxy to set up a headquarters for a gang of assassins, that's it. I know it's not a very substantial lead—"

"—but it's the only lead we have. We'd better get back to the _Normandy_ and tell Joker to take us to the Omega Cluster. _Fast_."

She says it and she means it. We're back at the docking bay in a matter of minutes, and the minute we come through the airlock is the minute Tali explains everything and urges our pilot to get moving as fast as possible. Once we've stopped running and takeoff is underway, I take a moment to relax and clear my head. Easier said than done. Thoughts and memories are rushing so fast in my mind that they pass my senses entirely. The gas must not have reacted well with the poison, which explains that wild dream.

…or whatever it was.

My attentions return to the ship when I feel it get moving. "Headed to the Omega Cluster," I hear Joker say, "ETA four hours." Part of me wants to complain that we're not getting there fast enough, but I know better. I can hear the concern buried in Joker's voice and I know he's worried about EDI. _I know I'd be worried if it were Shepard._

But it's not. I need to remember that. It's pretty obvious at this point that our new adversary is another Shepard-clone. But it's the exact opposite of obvious why she would gas me and run instead of ending things while she could (or capturing me like she caught the others). And the way she looked at me before she ran…it was so distant, but it almost— _almost_ —looked like…like _my_ Sara Shepard. I don't—

"We'll get them back, Garrus," Tali's voice shocks me out of my rampant thoughts, "And we'll stop the Shadows for good. I promise."

I don't say anything. I just nod to let her know I understand. She is right, after all. We will save our friends and end the Shadows. I just don't know how I'm going to be any help when the time comes. I'm no good to anyone like this. I need to figure out some way to hold off the poison until we can get a real cure. But that's not something I'm cut out for. For that, we need Mordin.

Who am I kidding? Just Tali and me—a poisoned me, at that—against what must be an army of trained assassins holding our ten closest friends hostage? We'll never stand a chance. Especially not if I do something stupid again like when I missed the clone on the Citadel.

…spirits…I _did_ miss on purpose. Why did I do that?! Was I acting on some subconscious plan, trying to give Liara a clear shot at her instead of taking one myself? Was the poison taking hold again harder than I thought, faster than it should have, feeding me hope that it really was my Shepard and all the readings were wrong and all the not-at-all-like-my-Shepard moves in the fight were fake? …or was I really thinking deep down that there was a chance it was true, that somehow this really is my Shepard and everything that's happened these past few days has been some huge misunderstanding or lie?

"Are you alright, Garrus?" Tali asked, her voice clearly showing genuine and deep concern.

I want to open up to her, confess everything that's happened to me, but I can't do it. "I…I'm fine, it's just…the poison and everything, it…"

But, somehow, she still understands. "Maybe you'd better get some rest before we get there. We've got four hours, you can take some time alone."

I can always count on Tali. I know that now. I give her a small smile before I head to the elevator.

By now, it's a habit to hit deck 1 when the doors open. I'm not even consciously aware of the action until the elevator is moving. I keep my focus on the movement as it slowly ascends. If I'm counting how many seconds it takes to go up one level, I'm not thinking about Shepard, this disaster of a mission, or the poison trying to kill me. If I'm watching closely as the walls go by, I'm not hallucinating or reliving my failed fight with the clone. If I'm listening carefully for the ding informing me I've reached my destination, I'm not waiting for her to come back when I know she never will.

As I enter her cabin, I look off to the right. On the shelves on the wall by the bathroom door, just to the left of the hamster's cage, are a small collection of books. Actual books with paper and everything, not manuscripts on a datapad. I find myself diving into the memory of the day she told me why she had these. I don't fight it or give in this time. I just let my focus shift to it until it takes up all of my attention.

 _It all started on Rannoch. Shepard, Tali, and I followed Legion into the geth's headquarters on the planet's surface while the Migrant Fleet waged war with the geth fleet over our heads. Our mission was to get in and find the source of the Reapers' control signal. Then Shepard would use a targeting laser to signal the_ Normandy _to hit it, it'd be destroyed, and the geth would be free of Reaper control._

 _But nothing was ever that easy for us._

 _The strike did nothing to shut off the signal. It did the exact opposite. It woke up the Reaper hiding under our feet. There was every chance that we had just fallen into a trap that would cost our lives and thus make the quarians lose the war. Legion showed up just in time to pull us out and put just enough distance between us and the Reaper for Admiral Gerrel's artillery to take it down if only for a moment. All that was left was to signal the_ Normandy _for an evac, fire off a few shots during extraction, and hope for the best._

 _But Shepard was never one to just stand back and "hope for the best." She made Legion pull over and then she jumped onto a cliff in plain view of the Reaper so she could set a target for the Migrant Fleet and take that monster out. She'd just thrown herself…what is it humans say? "Under the bus"? Well, she threw herself under the biggest bus imaginable just to make sure that Tali and Legion's peoples survived._

 _She was on a cliff's edge, running for her life from a weapon that could tear through a turian dreadnought. Tali and Legion both tried to talk her down before we drove off, but she wouldn't listen to either of them until Legion said "Shepard-Commander…good luck." I just sat there, paralyzed. There was no way to talk her out of this, I knew that. She'd do anything to save who she could and she wasn't going to give up on this fight now, no matter what it took. I wanted to say something, to beg her to come back before the Reaper's fire became more than she could take, but there was nothing I could say or do now. So I watched as we left her alone there and headed back to the shuttle._

 _When we made it back, Tali and Legion took a moment before telling me they were headed back to make sure the Reaper was definitely dead and to deal with the fleets at war overhead. I nodded and let them go. Then I stayed there and waited, hoping no harm had come to her. About an hour later, when she came back to the shuttle with Tali and told me everything that had happened, I listened to what she had to say then, while Tali wasn't looking, pulled her in and held her close, both comforting her over the loss of Legion and begging her to "_ Never _do that again!"_

 _After we were back on the ship, I headed back to the battery while she went to get some sleep and everyone welcomed Tali back. I spent about two or three hours working on calibrating the forward cannon. But every time I started to fade into the world of numbers and wiring like I was hoping to escape to, my mind would fall back into the sheer panic of watching as my girlfriend jumped headlong into Reaper fire. I still persisted in my attempts to focus on the targeting systems, but nothing was distracting me._

 _Until EDI came online._ "Garrus?" _The sudden interruption of her synthesized voice on my thoughts was enough to make me jump back. The loss of the silence hanging over my work managed to push both my technical focus and my lingering fears out of my mind._ "Are you alright?"

 _I shook it off and leaned against the console. "Yeah. I'm fine. Why?"_

"Because that is the 17th time you have miscalculated the same equation. It is not like you to make such a mistake more than twice."

 _That brought me to check the systems again._ What? I didn't…oh. _"…right. Guess I just…need some space from this. I'm having trouble focusing." Because I was tired of just throwing myself into the weapons systems with something so big hanging over my head. There was just one way to fix that. "Is Shepard still asleep?"_

"No. She woke up about an hour ago, took a call from the asari Councilor in the COMM room, set us on course for the Citadel, and then checked on Tali and returned to her cabin. I believe she is still there."

 _Now I knew something was wrong._ She didn't come to see me? She always comes by the battery after a mission, especially one as big as this. _"OK. I'll head up now."_

"Should I inform her you are coming?"

 _I smiled to myself as I opened the battery doors and gave her my answer: "No. I want to surprise her." After EDI confirmed she would comply, I left the battery and headed for the elevator. When I got up to her door, I opened it without a moment's hesitation. I never hesitated to just walk in. I had come by this room every day for weeks after the suicide mission. For the first three days, I had gone ahead and knocked, but, after the third time, she outright told me "You don't have to knock, Garrus. You can come in whenever you want." That seemed to be one of the biggest signs of trust she could give. So I had gone along with it and never regretted it. And that's what I did now._

 _I found her sitting on the couch and flipping through the pages in one of her books. She seemed to be pretty enamored with it, because it took her an extra four seconds to realize I had come in. When she did notice me, she smiled, a soft glimmer coming to her eyes as she did, and then marked her place in the book and set it aside. "Hey. Come to check up on me?"_

 _"If I did that every time you came back from halfway-to-killing yourself, you'd eventually get pretty sick of me."_

 _She scoffed, shaking her head at me. "Never."_

 _I smiled. She always knew how to get that from me. Then I sealed the doors to her cabin and went to sit down next to her. As I took her side, I looked straight into her eyes, using one hand to grasp hers and the other to lightly stroke her red hair. After a moment of this, my defenses dropped entirely and I ended up confessing to her what'd been killing me since we came back to the ship: "You scared me back there. I thought I was going to lose you forever."_

 _She slowly reached up the hand not tight in my grasp and began to stroke my scars. "I know the feeling."_

 _We stayed like that for a while, just barely moving closer with every passing minute until there was no space between us anymore and we began to kiss again. I held her closer, as if I needed to be as close to her as possible in order to determine that this was real and not a dream covering up the grief of losing her to the Reaper's beam. But it was real. I know that much without a doubt._

 _We only broke off when we had to in order to breathe. Even then, we stayed tightly wrapped together, our arms around each other, until it seemed like time had stopped and there might be a chance we could stay like this forever. Of course, that was never a possibility. But I truly wish it could have been._

 _After a while, we leaned back on the couch and she curled up beside me, letting me hold her close. In that moment, she seemed so…_ fragile _. I'd never seen her that way before. Even when she let down her own walls for me, even the select few times I wound up holding her while she cried, she'd never seemed more broken than that moment._

 _It didn't take a genius to see why. "It really hurts, doesn't it? What happened to Legion."_

 _She just leaned in closer to me. "That and…let's just say I haven't been sleeping well. Not since the war started."_

 _She didn't any day after that either. How many times during the war had I been in her cabin solely because she seemed to need me there in order to get any sort of rest? Was it always like our last night together? Had it always been that same bad dream? It must've been really hard on her._

 _I sighed and reached my hand up to her hair again. "Well…I'm always here if you need me."_

 _She answered that by reaching up to grasp my hand in hers, cutting off the calming motions. "I know. And I always need you."_

 _I held her close in silence for a few moments, letting those words sink in. She didn't seem to be getting any relief from the depression overwhelming her, so I started looking for a way to change the subject. I found one when I noticed the book she had been reading when I walked in, set down on the table. "What is that?"_

 _She followed my gaze and reached over to pick it back up. "It's a book—a real one, not a digital transcription or anything. I found a few in an abandoned library on Earth when I was about 12. I took them everywhere. A lot of them were about ancient human mythology. I've always been fascinated with the myths of the different cultures."_

 _Her fascination led to my curiosity. Since I had her all to myself for the entire ride to the Citadel (which, being essentially on the other side of the galaxy from Rannoch, was about eight hours away), we ended up spending the next hour discussing some of the myths she had learned over the years. Every now and then, she'd ask if the turian cultures had anything similar and I'd share with her some stories I knew, but most of the conversation was taken up by her telling me about fairies and dragons and…_

… _.and…_

 _"Sirens. In the ancient mythology of some human cultures, they were women of such beauty that no man could resist their charms. Their voices were even more powerful—they got their kicks by singing so strong to passing sailors that the victims lost all free will and crashed their own ships on rocks. Hence the term 'siren song'—something so alluring you would sacrifice everything for it though it could very well be the death of you."_

…a siren song…

Spirits, _that's_ what that dream was?! The vision of my long-lost Shepard was so strong, so enthralling, that it took over my mind entirely. Every memory that disappeared as the dream took hold was another part of my life fading away. I was dying the whole time and I didn't care. Now that I'm free from its hold, the thought of being trapped in a darkness where I would let go of everything, including my free will, until I allowed myself to be dragged to my death by my own _kalwen_ —everything about it is _terrifying_.

…but what's more terrifying is that part of me still wishes with all I have that Tali never woke me up.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

 _Wherever I am, it's cold. Must be Noveria. Or Xawin. Somewhere along those lines. How'd I get here?_

 _I start searching for some way to determine my location. All I see is fog-like air and shadows in the distance, so dark and so far away that I can't tell if they're mountains or trees. Curling up to keep the cold at bay, I'm about to consider signaling for help when something unexpected happens._

 _"Lost again, Vakarian?"_

 _She stands there, smiling brightly at the sight of me. For her, the icy air is a winter breeze, her hair and dress flowing in the wind, spotted with snowflakes._ Just when I thought she couldn't get any more beautiful…

 _I barely give myself a chance to remember that this can't be real before I smirk to her. "Yeah, I guess you could say that."_

 _"Lucky for you…" She moves closer to me, reaching for my hand as soon as we're in range of each other, and I suddenly couldn't care less if anyone ever found us here. "…I'm right here."_

 _I smile. "I know you are. You're always there when I need you."_

 _As she presses herself against me, an embrace warm enough to make me forget about the cold around us, she fills my senses—her eyes, her voice, her scent, her kiss, her heartbeat—and I start to wonder for just a moment if I might be falling back into the siren song. But I know I'm not. This is different._

 _I do what I can to keep her close, certain that the moment I let go is the moment I freeze to death, and lose myself in the rhythm when I find our hearts beating in sync. She fills my thoughts and I long to hold her here in my arms for as long as I possibly can. She seems to read my mind, because she returns the embrace entirely, wrapping her arms around me as she leans in closer. This connection is so strong and so true that I can't deny the need to let it take over and I lose all will to move._

… _like last time, when I almost drowned._ No, no, not again! _I try to fight it, but whatever is draining me resorts to paralyzing me completely. Just like last time._

 _And just like last time, our perfect moment is cut to pieces in a second when the stuff of nightmares breaks us apart—the same mechanical screech of horror that spelled doom for countless organic lives only a year ago. It's worse this time. I can practically feel them coming for us and I know we have to move. But I can't._

 _She, on the other hand, can. And my courageous, selfless_ kalwen _would never in a million years stand by and watch when_ they're _waiting. So I'm powerless to stop her when she goes running off to the fight. Just like on Tuchanka, just like on Rannoch…just like on Earth._

 _The moment she steps away from me, the paralysis is lifted. I instantly start running after her, but the muscle weakness that has been plaguing me for days at the loss of her takes hold and I fall to my knees. By the time I'm in any position to get moving again, the cold is too strong for me to bear alone and I don't have to strength to fight it. I've just crossed the point at which "She died to save me" turns into "She died_ because of _me." The grief that's been paralyzing me for so long is now accompanied by a guilt I've never felt before, at least not this strongly, and builds a soul-crushing pressure inside me. As the weight of the emotions becomes more than I can bear, the cold around me strengthens until every part of me is shivering or numb in the absence of the warmth I've been gaining from contact with the presence of Shepard. The freeze works its way into my organs and starts to claw at my heart until I find that I can't breathe—_

I start awake as fast as I can, finding myself in Shepard's bed again. Instinctively, I reach out to the side. But, after two seconds, I realize that I'm reaching the wrong way. I'm not reaching for the bedside table where I left the last sample of the poison antidote. I'm reaching for the other side of the bed, where she once laid beside me. Finding her gone brings back the pang I've come to associate with thoughts of _She's gone, she's gone, she's really gone forever._ Thoughts that have been torturing me twice as much in the past four days as in the past 12 months combined.

It's getting worse. Not just my emotional state, but the medical dilemma deepening it. That dream was eerily similar to the one I had before Liara first discovered my problem. I managed to pull myself out this time, but what about next time? The moment the dream-turned-nightmare started to intensify, so did my heart rate. Anymore and the poison will penetrate every defense I have left and break through. I'll be dead before I even realize something's wrong.

The thought is enough to make me reach for the antidote, but I resist. This is all we have left and it has to last until the mission's over—at least until Tali and I can find and rescue the others. If I use it now, I'm dead on my feet in the next fight. I'll just have to hold off the hallucinations on my own and try not to fall into another dream like what I just woke up from. _Good luck with that._

 _"Garrus?" Joker cuts through my thoughts over the COMM, "We're coming up on the Omega Cluster. We'll be docking in about five minutes."_

"Thanks for the heads up," I answer before pulling myself back to my feet. I instantly regret getting up that fast when the muscle weakness comes back in a flash and I drop to my knees. I can't keep going like this or I'm no good to anyone. But I have to work through it if Tali and I are going to help the others at all. So I bring myself to stand up and focus on my breathing again. After a moment, it's calmed down enough for me to getting moving. I get ready for the mission and turn my memories to the ones of my Archangel days. Now all I have to do is forget for a few hours that I'm halfway to dead so I can help my 11 closest friends, track down the society of assassins that have been trying to kill us, and finish off the clone of my _kalwen_ once and for all.

Because that's going to be so easy.

 _Five minutes later…_

Omega. Not just a den of thieves but a breeding ground for crime. Its population consists solely of two types of people: the helpless trapped there over the years and the thugs who do nothing but kick them while they're down. The moment I first laid eyes on that rock, I knew someone had to take action. That's how Archangel was born.

Of course, that didn't end so well. Betrayal, tenfold murder, the biggest assault this cluster had ever seen. If not for Shepard, I'd never have survived that day. Even with her, I only narrowly did and accomplished that completely when the mercs believed I was dead. I did what I had to, I saved who I could, but it was never enough. Nothing I did ever even made a dent. I told Shepard once about how looking at this place made me sick, and it still does. But this is where the fight has led us.

And, if I have anything to say about it, this is where it's gonna end.

I stay close to Tali as we step off the ship and start heading through the docking bay. "Alright, I'll start searching around the markets while you check the residential area. Contact me as soon as you find _anything_. If anything goes wrong, we either signal each other or meet back here and start over."

Tali nods. "Let's go then." Without another word, she heads off.

I start out and look everywhere I can for some sign of the Shadows or the squad. Obviously, it's not gonna be easy. It's not like a bunch of assassins—especially a group known as the _Black Shadows_ —is going to advertise their location even on Omega, and they're even less likely to show a sign of where they'd be holding such high priority targets as the Shadow Broker, an asari Justicar, the chief of Clan Urdnot, etc. This is gonna take a while.

In five minutes, I'm already starting to get frustrated. The more I think about it, the more I realize this strategy is not going to get us anywhere. We need to find some way to draw them out.

For a moment, I stay back from the traffic around me and look out a viewing glass to think up a new plan. Even as I consider my tactical options and continue to scan the area for any sign of my friends, I find my gaze catching on the stars I can see in the distance. The stars she loved to watch with me. Before I can even develop a desire to fight it off, the memory flows in…

 _It was the night after our shooting contest on the Citadel. One of the few nights during the war that Shepard actually got some sleep. Ironically, it was also one of the nights that_ I couldn't _sleep. My mind was racing back and forth between enjoying my perfect memories of my day with her and worrying as hard as I could about the family I still hadn't heard from yet. It didn't take long for me to figure out my solution. It was pretty obvious that she was the only thing getting me past the fear of losing my father and sister for good. So when I finally gave up my attempts to sleep alone, I snuck out of the crew quarters, headed to the elevator, and took it up to deck 1. When the doors opened, I found the cabin unusually dark. As I crept over to the bed, I found out why. Shepard was curled up under the covers, deep in dreams and almost as beautiful as she was awake. I smiled to myself, taking a moment to enjoy it. Then I carefully brushed a strand of hair away from her face, kissed her quick, and crawled into the bed beside her. Once I had my arms around her, I finally started to relax._

 _The next thing I remember is waking up the next morning to find her even closer to me than she was when I fell asleep, her hand in just the right place to feel my heartbeat. The steady incline in the rhythm from waking up must have been what drew her attention enough to rouse her, because it was five seconds after I opened my eyes that she turned to look into them. We stayed like that for a minute, lost in each other's eyes, then we both moved in to kiss. As we got wrapped up in each other yet again, not for a second breaking off, I let the sensation take me over and drive my doubts away. Just for a moment, I managed to forget that my people were in danger. In that moment, I truly believed all I needed was my Shepard._

 _When she pulled away to catch her breath, I found myself giving her a small smile and saying the first thing that came to mind: "Why didn't we do this three years ago?"_

 _She looked at me curiously. "You mean when we were fighting Saren?"_

 _"…well…well, yeah. I mean…would it have made a difference?"_

 _She slowly turned onto her back, looking up at the stars instead of at me, thinking how to answer. "I'll admit I may have had some feelings for you back then, but nothing that strong. Not yet. It wasn't until you got hit on Omega that I started to realize and even then it took me Sidonis to really understand. I came to you then because I needed it. That's when caring about you started to turn into something else. But even if I had felt this way in the old days, I probably still wouldn't have acted on it."_

 _I have to say, I wasn't expecting that. "What? Why wouldn't you?"_

 _She shrugged. "I wasn't ready. I needed to focus on the mission. I figured anything else would complicate things. …I didn't want what happened on Akuze to happen again." She sighed. "Besides, before the suicide mission got me into that 'if this is my last day alive' phase, I was pretty determined to never cross that line. It's something I learned a long time ago on Earth: …the most dangerous thing you can do is give your heart to someone."_

 _I wasn't sure how to respond to that. My first thought was sympathy, which was what dwelled in my mind the whole time, but I couldn't find the right words to give her for it. The one that hit me hardest was a brief flash of pure joy when I made the connection that she just told me she'd given her heart to me. But what finally came to me fully was fear that she was saying this—us—wasn't what she really wanted. So I took her hand and gave voice to it: "Why would you say that?"_

 _She returned my hold on her hand, interlocking her five fingers in my three as best she could and softly caressing the back of my hand with one. "Because, when you do, it gives them total power over you. If you really love someone, you'll do anything for them. And if you ever lose that, it destroys you."_

… _yes. Yes, it does._

 _I took in the blissful feeling of her touch, every so often giving her hand a gentle squeeze to tell her to keep going. I brought myself closer to her, reaching my free hand up to tuck her hair behind her ear. For half a second, I was suddenly incapable of rational thought and wound up nuzzling her ear with my nose. Then I couldn't keep myself from smiling when she flinched back from it. Apparently, she was ticklish, something I delighted in taking advantage of. Since my hand was still close enough, I started to stroke her hair again, thinking over her words. They were true, I knew that even then, but… "I'd like to believe it's worth it."_

 _She smiled softly, turning to lock her eyes on mine again. "Yeah. It is. I know that now." She then reached over to kiss my scars. Every time she did that, I knew without a doubt she loved me and I fell in love with her all over again. Of all the things she ever did for me, I think that was what I loved most, just as much as I loved to see her smile. "I really do love you, Garrus."_

 _I returned her smile, content to believe I'd just fulfilled my purpose in life. "Wow. Maybe I'm better at this romance business than I thought." She gave me a small laugh, something I sincerely wish I could hear every day of my life. She must have known how much I enjoyed it, if only from the way I smiled just a little brighter every time she did it. After a moment of losing myself in her eyes again, I turned to look up at the equally beautiful stars, never once letting her release my hand or stopping my other hand's motions through her hair. "So what did you mean by '"if this is my last day alive" phase'?"_

 _Just barely, her grasp on my hand tightened. As she renewed the affectionate movements of her fingertips on my carpals, she moved slightly closer to me and opened up: "We all knew what was at stake heading through Omega-4. We all knew there was as much a chance of all of us coming back alive as there was for none of us to make it. There were days some of us even wondered if we'd ever succeed. After a while, I started wondering…'if this is my last day alive, what will I regret most?' About the fifth time I asked myself that, the answer ended up being 'never falling in love.' Then Sidonis happened and my answer changed." She laid her head against my shoulder, the strokes on my hand turning into a careful but forceful grip. "'Never telling Garrus how I felt about him.'"_

 _The hand I had in her hair turned to a comforting press, bringing her just a little closer to me, as the one tight in her grasp returned her powerful clutch. As she slowly returned to tenderly tracing the curves of my tendons, I started thinking over her words. Just the day before, I had considered the possibility of the approaching galaxy-wide apocalypse and acted in favor of making our last days together memorable. Now I started considering the subject in an entirely different way—the way a human might think about it._ If this is my last day alive…what will I regret? _When my thoughts returned to tossing back and forth from my girlfriend to my family, I realized my answer was caught between "Not saying 'goodbye' to my family when I had the chance" and "Not telling Shepard a lot sooner how I felt about her."_

 _Of course, the thoughts invoked something else. I was reminded of the war raging around us, of the imminent threat not just to us but to everyone and everything we'd ever known. We needed to be ready at a moment's notice in case it was time to head back into the fray. "Guess I'd better head back to the battery and—"_

 _Before I could move, she stopped playing with my hand and gave it a mild tug, using her other hand to grab me by the waist and keep me in place. "We've got a few hours before we get where we're going." She smiled vibrantly, displaying all the passion and longing she had for me in a single glance from her bright green eyes. "I want you all to myself."_

 _How could I say "no" to that? I smiled again and kissed her one more time, staying as close as I dared. "Aye-aye, Commander."_

 _"Garrus?"_ The sound of Tali's voice over my COMM throws me back into reality with such force that I almost jump. But I don't. That'd give us away. _"Can you hear me?"_

I discreetly turn my COMM on. "I hear you, Tali. Have you found them?"

 _"No sign on this level."_

I sigh. This really is gonna be hard. "Alright, keep looking. Don't stop or turn off your COMM until you find them." I quickly head off to the search, not turning my COMM off either. But even this isn't enough to keep my thoughts from coming back to what I just realized was the biggest mistake I ever made with her.

I never told her I loved her. I always found a way around it. I said it the night she told me she was turning herself in to the Alliance but I wasn't convinced yet that it was true and I doubt she was either. Whenever she said it to me after that, I knew she meant it but I could never bring myself to admit I felt the same way. Even at the party on the Citadel when I got so close. I told her she was the love of my life (twice) and I meant it, but, when I tried to say those three simple words, I panicked.

 _She was standing right next to me, listening as I planned to set up security across her apartment just to keep her safe. Because it would kill me if anything happened to her._ And it did. _The more I thought about it, the more I realized how much I felt for her. The more those feelings took over my thoughts, the more I wanted not just to confess them to her but to drag her away from the party around us so we could have the rest of the night alone to act on them. So before I could stop myself, I started to. "Shepard, I know I don't tell you this enough, but…I love…" But as soon as the words started coming, the feelings surging through me gave way to the nerves again. As I said those last two words, I turned to face her. She had turned all her attention to me, probably in anticipation of the rest she knew was coming. The moment I met her eyes again, my courage was ripped out from under me and I started to struggle to dig my way out. "…your hair."_

 _Nice going, Vakarian._ All this time and I'm still beating myself up about that night. Because that was my chance to finally tell her how I felt and I…what'd Vega call it? Oh, right. Chicken. I "chickened out." And I didn't tell her what I needed to. I never did. She said it to me a dozen times and I never said it back. Not until it was the last words I ever said to her. Now I don't think I'll ever have the heart to say it again. Not when she's gone.

And she is gone. Forever.

 _STOP IT!_ I finally snap, _You can't help your friends like this!_ But what am I supposed to do? The poison is spreading faster. Even if I can dodge the effects, it won't change the fact that I see the same thing every time I close my eyes.

 _It was a couple days before Thessia. She went off on a mission to a Cerberus station with Ashley and James while I stayed behind to work on the battery. After ten minutes, I got sick of it and decided to wait in her cabin for her like I usually did. But the mission took longer than I expected it would. I ended up sitting down on her couch for about a half hour before outright falling asleep. When I woke up, I was stuck. One look down and I saw why: after coming back from the mission, she'd found me in here and then curled up in my lap and fallen asleep there. I smirked to myself and lightly ran my fingers through her hair. The gesture seemed to be just enough to wake her because she started to smile. Within a few moments, she turned and opened her eyes, looking up into mine. Not even giving me a chance to stop playing with her hair, she reached up to place her hand against my face. I don't know if it was a few seconds or a few minutes before she started to pull herself up, sitting in my lap rather than lying there, and reached to kiss my scars again. I let her for about 45 seconds before I took hold of her hair again and tugged it just enough to pull her back so I could kiss her. She pressed herself even closer to me as she returned it. When we broke off to catch our breath, she gave me a smile so bright that her eyes lit up. That was what finally brought me to take action. Before she could fight me off, I grabbed hold of her and carried her over to the bed. We spent the next two hours wrapped up in each other and I started to hope it might be possible to just lock the cabin doors, forget about the war entirely, and stay that way forever._

 _But some dreams aren't meant to last._

The poison's getting stronger and we only have one sample of the antidote left. Unless we somehow miraculously find the squad in the exact same place as the perfect cure (and do it in the next three hours), I might as well be dead already. I need to find some way to hold it off, some way to keep the memories from overwhelming me before—

…before…

…spirits, why didn't I think of this sooner?!

I get off to the side and call up my omni-tool. It takes a minute of searching, but I finally locate what I'm looking for. During her incarceration on Earth, Shepard had attempted to message me every day for months and none of them went through. One night during the war, she asked if I ever got any of them and, when I said "no," found them all stored in her personal data and sent them straight to me. Since I didn't have her final message at the time like I do now, I was listening to them every day for the first four months after we lost her. Now they can serve their purpose and protect me as well. I set them on a loop through a private channel on my COMM. As soon as I hear her voice, I feel the pain fading. It's working. Let's just hope it keeps working long enough for us to finish this.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Tali and I check in on each other every five minutes as we keep up the search. The timing works out brilliantly, because each of the messages I'm replaying from Shepard's detainment are about five minutes long. But everything else is a problem. Every minute we don't find our friends is another minute that the Shadows could decide to end it without us. The way they used the poison on me on Ilium already implies they were looking to take us out one at a time (unless they really were just using the "shoot the officer" tactic) so they could even be acting on it right now.

…no. No, they're alive. They have to be. _I already lost Shepard. I'm not losing all of them, too. And not like this._ The thought is enough to make me move a little faster. The sooner we find them, the sooner we can pull them out and end this.

As the personal channel I set my COMM on rings with Shepard's voice asking for the 20th time if any of her messages have gotten through and why she never heard back from me (enough to make me regret all over again that we never got to talk to each other in those days), I turn over every rock I come across while being careful to stay out of sight. But my mind is split in _three_ different directions—listening to the messages holding off my lovesick hallucinations, looking for my captured friends in every place I can access without drawing attention and making myself a target, and forming a plan to draw out the assassins and save us the trouble of turning the station upside-down. I've got no luck on the last two, but at least the first one is holding.

For now. The moment my pulse starts rising again, I won't be able to keep from falling back into the poison's hold.

Just when I clear another sector with no sign of the Shadows or their hostages, the message that was playing back ends and Tali's voice cuts through again. _"Garrus? Have you found anything yet?"_

I sigh as I answer. "Nothing in this entire district. I'm moving towards Kima. Unless you've got something."

 _"I don't think so. I'll try to—"_ Before she finishes, static cuts through, reducing the rest of her message to barely comprehensible scraps of sentences.

I stop moving the moment I realize something's wrong. "Tali? Can you hear me? You're breaking up!"

I catch a few scattered words before the static breaks the connection entirely. To make matters worse, the loop of Shepard's messages doesn't take her place.

My COMM isn't working. Which means I just got really close to the Shadows' jamming signal. If nothing else, I've just found EDI.

Quietly hoping Tali can still track me down if I end up needing backup, I call up my omni-tool and start attempting to trace the signal. As soon as I have something, I move in. But when I get close enough, my tracer starts malfunctioning as well. _This isn't hooked up to EDI's systems. Mechanical devices on the Citadel weren't affected by the jamming signal, so I must be at_ very _close range._ I start looking directly around me for any place that could be holding my old squad-mates or anything that could be distributing the jamming signal. Every building in close enough proximity is either too public or not well-fortified enough. But then, just when I'm about to start panicking, I look down and find that I'm standing right on top of an access grate.

The tunnels. Of course!

I look around to make sure no one's watching. Then I pry the grate open and duck in. I make sure to close it but keep it cracked open with a piece of scrap metal so that Tali can still find me and no one will seal the way before she gets here. If it was anyone else, I might be worried that some random piece of the walls might not be enough to get the necessary attention (at least not while still keeping back the attention of every other random passerby). But it's quarian nature to salvage technological scraps, especially for Tali. She knows I know that. She'll catch on.

I look around the tunnels. It's dark, but there are tracking lights laid out every ten meters or so for maintenance purposes. Of course, these being tunnels, it'd be nice if those lights could lead me right to the Shadows and not into the maze that is Omega's trenches. But I've said it once and I'll say it again: we hardly ever get lucky like that.

 _Alright, the signal has to be really close by to be affecting machinery not directly hooked up to EDI. I shouldn't have to go far. As long as I stay out of sight, I shouldn't have a problem._

Two minutes later, I'm already deep into a real problem. Evidently, "really close by" means "within a 200 meter radius" because the signal is traveling a lot easier in these tunnels. And every second I spend sneaking through the tunnels trying not to get found and attacked by assassins is another beat-per-minute gain in my heart rate. The longer it takes me to either find the signal and shut it down or find my friends and get them out, the faster the poison is going to take effect again. And since my COMM has stopped functioning entirely and my omni-tool is glitching, I can't call back the messages that have been holding off my hallucinations without giving myself away. If the poison takes hold again before I get the backup I need, I really am going to be dead on my feet.

I stop moving when I hear someone behind me. It's a Shadow, it's gotta be. I pin myself to the wall and peer carefully around the corner. I see someone right under one of the track lights, the only place in the whole tunnel where I can see that it's someone in a black jumpsuit and goggles rather than an actual shadow. They're coming right towards me. If I give them the chance to reach the intersection I'm at, they'll see me for sure and sound the alarm. I'll be mobbed in five seconds and, in the state I'm in, won't stand a chance.

Time to do what I do best.

As quietly as I can, I pull out my sniper rifle as I sink to the floor. The Shadow has stopped halfway down the tunnel to talk to someone over their COMM. _Figures they'd have worked their own systems around the jamming signal._ I push away the detective-like urge to discern how they're capable of half of what they've done. I need all the focus I can get for this.

 _So I don't miss like last time._

Shake it off. Shake it off! _Not now, Vakarian!_ I peer through the scope and line up the shot. As soon as the Shadow's done giving the all-clear and returning to patrol, I can take them out cleanly and move on. Assuming the sound of the bullet doesn't echo through the tunnels and give me away anyway.

Still, one less to worry about.

I do all I can to keep my aim steady. Focus on breathing so that the poison doesn't take over again. All I have to do is wait for a chance. The moment the Shadow deactivates their COMM and starts to move towards me again, I have that chance. I don't let myself hesitate to take it.

And this time, I don't miss.

 _"Scoped and dropped! Never saw me coming."_

 _She groaned, giving me a look even as she ducked out of cover just long enough to shoot down a geth. "Do you have to announce it every time you snipe someone down?!"_

 _I just smirked at her. "You're just jealous 'cause my kill count's higher than yours."_

 _She answered that by shooting over me and taking out a cloaked geth hunter that'd been two feet in front of me and ready to fire. "I'll be sure to check scores with you once we're back on the ship."_

I push it back as fast as I can before moving forward. At least it didn't kick in _before_ I took the shot. And no one seems to have heard my gun go off.

 _KNOCK! KNOCK!_

…maybe I spoke too soon.

Someone is pounding on a wall nearby. I start to reach for my gun again, certain a Shadow is aware of my presence and coming to take me out before I reach the others. I can hear them shouting through the tunnel walls…

"Let us out of here, you—!" and the rest either doesn't get through my translator or isn't something I'm comfortable repeating.

Nope, it's Jack.

I follow the sound of her pounding on the walls, looking for wherever it is they're keeping her. It doesn't take more than ten seconds of feeling along the walls to find the source of the vibrations. But there's no door close to it, so I have no way to get in without somehow blasting a hole in the wall, which would undoubtedly give me away. Of course, that raises the question as to how the Shadows got them in there—if there's no exit, there's no entrance, and vice versa.

Then the memories assaulting me actually give me a hand. I remember one night after the suicide mission when I caught Shepard watching some 200-year-old human vid about treasure hunters.

Tunnels like these often had trick walls.

I start feeling along the wall for a pressure point or weak spot, something that can equate to a "loose brick." I finally find a piece of paneling that responds to my hand. When I push in on it, the wall cracks open. I quickly take hold of it and use all the strength I have left to pry back the sliding "door." The moment I get it open enough, someone grabs me and pins me to the wall.

Someone who is still glowing from hours of trying unsuccessfully to biotically blast through the wall and who recognizes me about the same time she tries cutting off my airways. "Garrus?!"

"Yes! Could you please let go?!"

Jack takes a step back, releasing her hold on me and letting her biotics power down. "Sorry."

I just give her a quick look as I catch my breath. Then I look past her and find Ashley nearby, watching over EDI's disabled body.

"Are you OK?" she asks as she walks up to us, "How'd you find us?"

"I'm _somewhat_ OK," I bring myself to answer, "And Tali and I found a pattern in the Shadows' movements. We came around here, I picked up the jamming signal that's been getting into EDI's systems, and I followed it right to the sound of an all-out assault on the walls."

"Ha, ha," Jack sneers.

Ashley sighs. "OK, we need to get out of here and find the others before the Shadows realize we've gotten out. Then we need to find whatever's jamming EDI's systems and disable it so we can get her back online."

"Sounds like we've got the same plan," I nod. But as they head over to bring EDI's body out to the tunnel hall, I think over our situation. Not only am I no better off than I was a minute ago, but Ashley has been completely disarmed and EDI is, at present, nonfunctional. Jack can do some damage until we've gotten some of the others out, but she's worn down a lot of her energy trying to break out of the cell. There's no guarantee that we can…

…we can…

…I only start to realize something's wrong when the pressure starts building and I start slumping to the floor. As I come out of the world of tactics and damage assessment, I feel the way my heart is pounding. Jack's surprise attack was enough to spike it. The poison's getting stronger by the minute. Now the weakness is so strong that I can't even get myself to stand again.

Ashley is at my side in an instant. "Garrus!"

"…the poison…" I try to explain, but I can't breathe enough to say it all, "…there's too much…"

She catches on pretty fast, though. Before I can even realize what she's doing, she's already located the antidote vial.

" _No_!" I try to stop her, grabbing her by the wrist, "…that's all that's left."

"Then you're on your last leg either way. The longer you wait, the less effective it's gonna be. And I'm not going to sit here and watch while you fight to stay alive and lose!" So she pulls her arm free and forces me to take it.

The effects almost instantly start to fade, but they take their sweet time going away. And they won't go away completely. I know that now. But at least I get some sort of reprieve until we're out of here.

After tossing the emptied vial aside, Ashley helps me back to my feet. My strength is coming back at a reasonable pace, at least, so I don't have to fight to stay that way when she steps back. I want to tell her off, but I know she was right. And one look in her eyes shows a determination that tells me she has so little regret that she'd do it again in a second. So I sigh and bring myself to nod in as much thanks as I can give. She just responds in kind.

Now that my mind is clear, I know what we have to do to get out of here. "Tali should be tracking us down any minute. She can help us find the others. In the meantime, we need to focus on disabling the jamming signal. The sooner we get EDI functional again, the easier the rest of the mission will be." Then I work up the nerve to do what I know to be necessary. I never give myself a chance to find a way out of it before I pull out my gun and hand it to Ashley. "I trust your aim more than my own right now. I'll take EDI and lead the way, you and Jack cover any Shadows we come across."

Ashley seems to be in shock for a moment (even Jack is). This has to be the biggest sign of trust I can show her right now. We both know it. And that's a lot to take in. But she accepts it. She takes the gun from my hands and checks the thermal clip while I take EDI's body. "Alright. Let's get moving."

We move faster this time. With Ashley armed and Jack watching our backs, we don't have to worry as much about getting caught. Without the weight of sneaking slowing us down and with them watching me so I can focus, I can follow the jamming signal more easily and we can move a lot faster. Now that all my attention is in one place if only for a little while, I can watch the static on my omni-tool and see where it's strongest. That becomes our compass and we find our target in only five minutes.

I peer around a corner again, gesturing for Jack and Ashley to stay back. This time, there is a door, but it's locked. And flanked by two Shadow guards. No way to get past them without taking them out. Better do it fast. Like the guards on Ilium. I signal this to Ash and Jack. They have no problem catching on. I step off to the side to give them room. When they have a clear shot, they both step out and fire at once, Ashley with the rifle I supplied and Jack with bone-crushing biotic force. Once their coordinated attack is over, I step out to look and find both guards dropping to the floor.

I have to smirk at that. "Nice shot." After they both answer similarly, I head over to the door and start hacking my way in. For once, I don't have any problem getting through and it opens without incident, revealing the small room on the other side. At the center of the room is the transmitter controlling the jamming signal. "Wow." I head over to the console and start inspecting it. "Just as I thought. It's tuned directly to EDI's systems and everything linked to them. It's too complex to crack, it could take an hour to hack in enough to take it out."

"Or we could just do this," Jack remarks as she steps over and enacts her plan. She takes hold of the transmitter with her biotics and smashes it to pieces before I can stop her.

The signal went down, I'll give her that. But the console lit up with the same message that was being sent to all the Shadows' COMMs right now: "SECURITY BREECH DETECTED!"

I don't really care to stop myself when I turn to glare at Jack. "And that's why shooting things is not always the answer!"

She doesn't get a chance to respond before the Shadows start flooding to our location. I duck behind the console and set down EDI's body where it'll be safe while Ashley and Jack get on either side of the door. Once we're all behind cover, the fight breaks out. I'm almost reminded of holding the main doors on the Collector base.

Ash and Jack can handle anyone who gets too close, but there are more Shadows than they can hold for very long. I still don't trust my aim, but they need covering fire. I gave Ashley my assault rifle, but I still have my sniper rifle handy. So I pull it over and peer through the scope and over the console, lining up shots at the farther assassins and starting to take them out. To my credit, I manage to bring down their numbers more than I was expecting I would be able to. But it won't be long before the pressure makes my heart rate skyrocket again and the antidote Ashley forced on me stops being helpful.

 _No, just focus. You can do this. Breathe…breathe…_ I stay low and pick my targets. Now's not the time to get lost in the fight…like I always did with _her_. _NO! Don't go there! Not now!_ I need to keep my mind on my aim before the situation gets out of hand. Not that I'm making enough of a difference. The Shadows keep coming. We need some way to—

Suddenly, something cuts through the Shadows to our right. When they go down, it moves in closer to the ones at the center of the assault and I find that it's a familiar combat drone. The assassins briefly turn their attention to it only for it to explode at the center of their ranks. That gives an opening for the bullets to handle the rest.

We have about a minute now before reinforcements arrive. Plenty of time for Tali to come rushing in. "Are you guys alright?"

"We're fine," I sigh with relief, lowering my gun, "Very glad to see you."

"You weren't exactly easy to find. Looks like I showed up just in time, though."

"Yeah," Ashley nods," You did."

I put my rifle away again and turn my attention back to the fight. "Tali, help them cover the door. I'll try to get EDI back up and running then see if I can ping the others' COMMs."

"Got it!" Tali confirms as she readies her shotgun and turns back to the door.

It doesn't take long for the other Shadows to start attacking, but Jack, Ashley, and Tali together are enough to hold them back for a good long while. They can't hold out forever, though. We need backup and an escape route. So I'd better make good on that plan and _fast_.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

It seems like it takes an hour to get any sort of response from EDI's body. Jack, Tali, and Ashley hold the door the whole time. I won't say they're a perfect team, but they do the job better than most people could. Not one assassin gets past them as I jumpstart the AI's systems. I almost believe I got the more difficult task. But, hey, it's easier for me to focus on the technical aspect of things than fighting. Fighting makes my pulse rise.

And it's more likely to remind me of her.

I'm saved from that line of thinking when EDI starts to move. Where an organic would slowly return to awareness, our trusty AI blinks awake in a matter of seconds.

I sigh with relief as I close down my omni-tool. "Welcome back, EDI."

She simply checks all her systems. "I have reestablished contact with the _Normandy_ and signaled the COMM units of all squad-mates in range." My own COMM pings to confirm so. "I have also diverted the Shadows' security to various sensors. Their next reinforcements should be considerably delayed."

I have to smile at that. "Nice work. Better get as much out of that delay as we can. Go help the others finish off this wave and we can make a break for it."

EDI nods and heads off to join the fight.

Now that I have no distractions, I can watch the action. As EDI promised, no new combatants are approaching, so we can head to get the others as soon as this wave is clear. Once EDI jumps in, it becomes a lot harder for the Shadows to get an edge in the fight. Soon, only five are left standing. At that point, Tali deploys her drone again and it makes short work of the few remaining.

Tali seems to be beaming with triumph as she calls back her drone. "Good girl, Chatika." Then she sends me the signal that the way is clear and we make our break for it.

EDI has sent us the NavPoints for the rest of our hostage teammates by now—three altogether. We're halfway to the first one before the other Shadows ever realize she hacked their systems. Since we're no longer where they thought we were, they're forced to split up and look for us, giving us a huge advantage when clusters of the assassins come by. We should have absolutely no problem fighting our way through the tunnels from here on out.

Once we reach the first NavPoint, we find that it's another sealed off cell with no visible door. EDI quickly scans the area. "These walls have been built to withstand venting pressure should the tunnels' integrity ever be compromised. They are virtually unbreakable."

"Now she tells me…" Jack growls harshly as she leans against the wall. The moment we stopped moving must have been the moment the adrenaline wore off. Using her biotics nonstop for the past several hours is starting to take a toll on her now.

"Well, Garrus," Ashley says, "you got us out of the first one. Do your thing."

I nod in agreement and start searching. It takes a moment but I find another loose panel and press down. This time, Jack helps me pull it open and it becomes a lot easier to get inside.

Wrex, Samara, and Jacob are there. Their greeting is about what I'd expect:

"What took you so long?" Wrex sneers.

I give him a look dismissively. "We might not have much time. The Shadows know we're breaking you out and they still have Liara, Grunt, James, and Miranda. If we don't—" Then I look at the door and see several dents in the paneling where Wrex clearly charged at the wall. I turn to EDI to point this out. "'Virtually unbreakable,' huh?"

"Virtually, yes," EDI answers.

I just shake my head at her. "How close are they?"

"Not very, but they are getting closer. I would advise haste."

I barely avoid visibly flinching at that last word. Haste and poison don't go well together under any circumstances. And since Ashley forced the last of our antidote on me, we'll have no way to save me if the effects take hold now. But I can't worry about myself now. I have to worry about Grunt and Miranda and James and Liara. Every second we delay is a second their lives are in danger.

"Alright," I finally strategize, "EDI, send them the next NavPoint and we'll take the other. We gotta move fast." Tali, Ashley, and EDI can cover me and Jack like they've been doing since we left the transmitter room. Wrex, Samara, and Jacob don't have weapons, but they're all biotic and trained to the point that their bare hands are lethal weapons so they're more than covered. So there's no reason to delay when EDI's signal goes through and we all head out.

The NavPoint EDI leaves to our group is farther back in the tunnels, so it'd be easy to expect about 100 or so of the Shadows could be standing between us and them. That's enough to raise suspicion when we've only come upon a dozen by the halfway point. If there's one thing I know, it's that you always trust your instincts, so I act on them—it's pretty clear the Shadows meant to be guarding this sector are aware of where we're headed and looking to get there first, so we need to be moving faster. My squad-mates seem prepared to debate that order (Jack is already exhausted and Tali, Ash, and EDI all know what a fast pace could do for the poison) but we still carry it out. It's a good thing we do, because we get there at almost the exact same moment the Shadows are leaving. The trick wall to the cell we were headed to is already open and a grate overhead has just been sealed. One look in the cell confirms it as empty.

While the others start looking for a way to get the grate open so we can follow the Shadows off, I turn on my COMM. "What's going on over there?! Did you reach the others yet?!"

 _"Yeah, we're good," James answers, "They tried to drag us out but they weren't expecting Wrex and Grunt to charge 'em at the same time. You should've seen it, it was awesome!"_

So James and Grunt are both accounted for. That means the assassins took Liara and Miranda out of our reach. It doesn't take a genius to see why they would do that. Luckily, Ashley finally manages to shoot the grate open and get us a way out.

"We're headed topside," I report as I follow Ash through the grate and help Tali, EDI, and Jack out after us, "They got to Liara and Miranda before we did and they're trying to get out of range. Get up here and we can flank them before they get a chance at a kill shot. Move!"

Once we're out of the tunnels, we end up in an industrial district. I recognize it from my Archangel days. The gangs favored this area for "secret deals" and the like, mostly because it was largely abandoned. There's no one around. So there are no witnesses. _Hmm. Perfect place for a group of assassins to hide away in._

We start tracking the Shadows' movements, moving as fast as we can to keep pace. At one point, we almost lose sight of them, but that's quickly relieved when Liara (or Miranda?) lets off a biotic pulse in an attempt to break free and sends a flash of dark energy in just the right direction to tell us their position. We follow that trail and come to a large clearing between buildings that were once factories. The moment we turn the corner, we've caught sight of the assassins and their two hostages. Unfortunately, they've also caught sight of us and quickly open fire, forcing us to duck behind the nearest cover.

Once I'm behind the remains of a wall, safely out of range of the bullets flying around me, I check our surroundings. This clearing has several fractured walls to use as cover and Tali, Ash, Jack, and EDI are currently employing a few of them. They're stable enough to protect us from the gunfire for now, but a full-out fight could cause them to collapse and leave us completely vulnerable. We need to make this quick.

I quietly peer over the wall, careful to stay low so that I'm still out of range, and see how bad our opposition is. There's about 30 Shadows, all clustered together, and two of them are keeping tight hold on Liara and Miranda, restraining them so forcefully that even their biotics are all but useless. Those two Shadows are also holding knives in place of guns, knives that I'm guessing have been treated with the human and asari poisons. The moment we take out any of the other Shadows, Liara and Miranda are both done for. If Jack were still at peak capacity, she could easily set off the entire fight with one big shockwave and give us enough of an upper hand to finish them off, but she's been going for hours and even her amp can't take much more. So we're pretty much at a deadlock.

The Shadows must see it, too. Because one of them steps up. "I have to say…" He takes off his mask, revealing himself as a dark-haired human male. "…I was expecting a lot from the legendary _Normandy_ crew, but you delivered all that and more. I'm impressed."

So this is their commander. At least, if worse comes to worst, I can give them a taste of their own "shoot the officer" tactic. Carefully, I reach for my sniper rifle and get ready to line up a shot, staying out of sight and out of range while I do. "So _now_ you feel like talking?"

"Ah, yes. The turian. How many times do we have to kill you?!"

"Just who do you think you are?" Ashley asks from her own cover, clinging to her gun.

"Killian Orion, leader of the Black Shadows."

He keeps talking (probably the typical "I'm going to kill you" villain taunts), but I don't hear it after my COMM clicks on. _"Garrus," Jacob says, staying quiet, "We're coming up on your position and getting ready to flank 'em."_

Looks like we've got a way out of this after all. If Wrex, Samara, Jacob, James, and Grunt can come up behind the Shadows without being seen, then they can take out half of them, or at least get Liara and Miranda loose, before anyone knows they're there. That'll give the rest of us the perfect opportunity to take the others out. All I have to do is keep the Shadows' attention on me. Should be easy enough if I follow Shepard's lead and "drive them up the wall."

"If your plan is to kill us," I snap as soon as I get a chance, "you're not doing a very good job!"

Well, it has the intended effect. "Kill you? The plan was always to bleed you slowly and watch you suffer. If we wanted you all dead right away, we could've done it. But every time we get close—"

"'Close'?! Last I checked, you've got a nasty habit of missing a target five feet in front of you!"

This strategy gets better by the minute. That last comment gets him mad enough to draw his weapon. Even as he signals the assassins to focus on us and keep pressure on Liara and Miranda, he starts stepping closer. I know he's probably looking to get a clean shot at me, but it's like he's daring me to take one at him. "Last _I_ checked, _you've_ had your fair share of close calls."

For a moment, his words almost get to me when I remember how I missed the clone on the Citadel. But then I see something moving through the abandoned building just behind the contingent of Shadows. Something that can only be my five reinforcements. I just need to stall the assassins long enough to give them the window they need. "At least I've got the nerve to face my enemy instead of throwing pawns at them."

"You mean the same pawns that managed to get a viral neurotoxin into your veins? I really should applaud you for fighting despite that. Maybe you'll actually live long enough to—"

Before he can say anymore, our backup makes their move. Wrex and Grunt both come charging in at once again, throwing the Shadows off-balance long enough for James to get behind the Shadow holding down Liara and drive an omni-blade through the assassin's back. As soon as she sees our asari friend get free, Miranda fights off her restraints enough to drive the heel of her boot through the foot of the assassin holding her back; when he recoils in pain, she gets loose enough to throw her head back into his and break the hold entirely then proceeds to grab him and throw him to the ground. Once her victim hits the floor, she snatches his knife and throws it with biotic force at the assassin preparing to come at her. Just when the Shadows start to recover and open fire, Samara and Liara both throw out barriers to deflect the oncoming gunshots and then detonate them with enough power to throw every assassin in the area off their feet. James seizes the opportunity to snatch the gun from one of the incapacitated assassins and start shooting, making the fight break out entirely…and chaotically.

As soon as it's gotten crazy enough for me to have some cover even in the clearing (and for the cover I'm using to become barely useful anyway), I rush out to give the others support, Tali, Ash, EDI, and Jack running out after me. Unfortunately, everything I can get a clear shot at is _close_ range and all I have is a sniper rifle. But that problem is quickly alleviated when I notice one of the Shadows activating a shield modulator. With one overload attack, the assassin is stunned enough to drop. Dead or not, that gives me a chance to snatch their gun. "Ash!" Ashley quickly notices what I've done and tosses me back the rifle I loaned her in exchange for the one I've just procured. In two seconds, we're both back into the action.

The fight's almost instantly in our favor. The Shadows might have an advantage in numbers, but that's never stopped us before. About a minute into the action, I realize that we're falling into rhythms and strategies we developed with Shepard—they worked against the Collectors and the Reapers and they're working even better now. I go with it for a while until I realize one of the tactics I'm about to employ is one that only worked when Shepard was with me. The moment I set off my shot, I'm left waiting for two seconds before I remember that the one meant to follow it isn't going to come.

But in those two seconds, I notice something… The Shadows aren't shooting to kill. They're still aiming with precision, but the shots they're aiming for will only keep us down for the count. Of course, the moment James gets in a brief fistfight with one of the assassins, I see why. The moment he gets close enough, his opponent pulls out one of the knives. They're beyond determined to make sure we're all affected. Why? Was the contract that specific? Or are they really that sadistic?

Then, just before preparing to line up the next shot, I see something overhead. …a redheaded archer aiming an arrow right at us. "Duck!" I call, rolling out of the way just as the arrow flies loose. It hits the ground just in front of where I was standing and subsequently explodes.

There's enough confusion from that move to halt the fight for about two seconds, long enough for us all to see what happened. The Shadows are down to ten plus the leader, Orion, who has been off to the side watching the whole fight, but now the clone jumps in. We may be evenly matched number-wise now, but we're far from even in every other way. When the fight starts back up again, it's suddenly a lot harder.

One of the Shadows comes at me while Wrex moves to take on the clone. As soon as they come close enough, the assassin tries to use one of the knives on me. I don't know why they'd bother, knowing I'm already poisoned, but I just focus on keeping from getting that third fatal dose of it. The way the Shadow jumps me forces me to counter instead of just shoot them back. I finally get a chance to kick them with all the strength I can spare, which is just enough to throw them about ten feet away, just in time to see Wrex charge at the clone and the clone just barely avoid getting mowed down. The move forces her to drop her bow, so any of us could have a clear shot at her now and she wouldn't be able to counter. Since the Shadow that was after me is still down, I can…I can…

Of course, it's at that moment that the poison starts back in again. That last scramble with the assassin coming for me must have gotten my blood pumping enough to counteract the last antidote dose entirely. Before my mind is even at the point of racing with _No, no, no, not now!_ , the effect takes hold the same as it did on Ilium. Just when I think we have the clone on the ropes, I feel a sharp, tight sensation clutching at my insides. I recognize it almost instantly. It's the same fierce panic that struck me when I saw Shepard duck under Reaper fire on Rannoch, fall from the shuttle bay doors of the _Normandy_ as it flew over the Citadel, and run alone to the conduit on Earth. I know it's the hallucinations, but that doesn't help. It's still the same pain, and nothing has ever been harder for me to face than that paralyzing terror of the moment my thoughts are taken over by _This is when I lose her forever._

The Shadows notice me slowing down. I've just given them a chance to end this. The one I thought I had disabled has just come back up to the fight and jumps at me before I can even notice. The moment I'm pinned down, they move to drive the knife into my flesh. I quickly sum up all the strength I have left to counter this, grabbing them by the wrist and struggling to keep them from getting the upper hand. Tali is the first to notice that I'm not likely to win this one and ducks away from the fight she's been locked in alongside Jack, rushing to help me out.

She never gets that far. The moment she comes rushing to my aid, the moment the rest of the squad starts to get to the point of finally winning, the moment Wrex is prepared to take down the clone for good, is the same moment Orion decides to jump into the fight. He must notice that he's all but losing. "ENOUGH!" Before anyone can make a move, he sends out a wave of dark energy almost as powerful as what I've seen Jack conjure up at her peak.

Great, so he's one of _those_ biotics. 'Cause those fights are always fun.

The pulse is strong enough to throw everyone in the room down and knock their weapons aside. The Shadows recover remarkably fast (what, does this happen often for them?) and grab their weapons back, each instantly taking aim on one of us. The clone even takes back her bow as she stands up. Surprise, surprise, the one _she_ sets her sights on is me.

Once again, I'm on the floor, my gun out of reach, and the archer that looks so much like the woman I loved is taking aim on me. Maybe I'll get lucky and she'll actually deal that final blow this time, save me the trouble of spending my last hours alive trying to find a cure that apparently doesn't exist, spare me the tragedy of clawing away from death as my mind gets torn to shreds by thoughts of my love lost. And, as a bonus, the last thing I'll get to see before I die is my _kalwen_ , even if it is just another pale imitation of the real thing.

"We've come too far," Orion growls. He then storms over to the one of us lying nearest to him, the only one not being held down by one of the Shadows, the one who was hit hardest by the blast…Tali. "You're not standing in our way now." Before anyone can do anything to stop him, he pulls out one of the knives, likely the one treated with quarian poison, and gets ready to strike.

Then the Shepard-clone does the last thing any of us could have predicted.

She turns her aim from me to the Shadows' leader and fires on him. The head assassin is thrown back by a concussive blast, dropping the knife in his hand when he hits a nearby wall.

Clearly, the Shadows are just as surprised by this sudden betrayal as we are, because they freeze in shock long enough for Samara, EDI, and Grunt to recover and attack the assassins holding them down. That gives the others a chance to do the same. While the fight breaks out again, the clone rushes over to the downed Orion and gets into a similar fight with him.

Tali is thus the only one not caught in the skirmish, so she's the one who rushes over to help me back to my feet. "Are you alright?"

I tell her I am, but I'm not paying attention to that. I'm too focused on the fight between the clone and the top Shadow.

He moves to hit her but she dodges it.

 _She just saved Tali's life._

She moves to kick him only for him to catch her foot, but this lets her kick herself up and throw her other into him. He's knocked back into the wall while she drops back to her feet.

 _She's been trying to kill us this whole time. Why would she do that?_

She draws an arrow and prepares to use it like a knife and deliver the killing blow. He answers by grabbing her wrist and twisting, not enough to break it but enough to make her cry out in pain and drop the shaft to the floor. Then he seizes the opportunity to kick her harshly in the gut.

 _Is it part of the plan? Are they trying to get us to let our guard down so she can get close enough to us to finish us off? Is this another part of their sadistic game?_

While she recoils from the last blow, he moves to strike hard. She quickly ducks under his grasp, takes hold of his arm, and uses all the strength she has to throw him harshly to the floor. He hits the ground hard enough to curl up in pain, so he seems to be down long enough to finish this.

But when she turns to get another arrow from her quiver, her eyes catch on mine. For a moment, we're frozen, totally focused on each other. Something in the way she looks at me seems…broken. Or distant. Nothing like what I always saw in those eyes when they belonged to _her_.

I know something's not right when I see her eyes _flash_. She seems to know they do because she suddenly can't bear to look at me anymore. The way she acts implies that it actually hurts. But the flash itself has caught my attention completely. It's not at all similar to the spark I saw for three years. It's not a glimmer in emerald, it's more of a sudden blue light, like…

…like _Legion_?

Suddenly, the Shadows' commander gets back up and takes hold of her from behind. She tries to fight him off only for him to strike—not with a knife or a gun but with an injector. Almost instantly, she's unconscious.

The others—even Tali, who rushed off to help Jack again—are all still preoccupied with the lower-rank assassins. The fight is almost done, but this is our one chance to take out their leader before he gets away. He's already dragging the clone off and I'm the only one with a clear shot. I have to do this.

I pull my sniper rifle back out and start lining up the shot. I have one shot and five seconds to do it in. But I can already feel my aim wavering. It's not like last time, though. This time, the poison is fighting back. _Just breathe, Vakarian. You can do this. You have to._ I have him in my sights. All I have to do is—

 _I can feel bones cracking when I hit the ground. I can feel the vibrations inside it, like Harbinger's beam is getting closer. For a moment of agony, I'm afraid that this might be the end. Until I feel her hands helping me out of harm's way. For the last time._

The poison's hitting me harder. This time, the muscle weakness is supplanted by a petrifying surge of pain through my entire body, one that really is reminiscent of when I got hit on Earth. I manage to pull the trigger before Orion's out of range, but I do it right as the pain hits my arm; my aim flinches right as the shot goes off, and the bullet hits a wall not far from him instead of actually hitting _him_. Just as I see him rush off into the distance, dragging the clone with him, I collapse, dropping my gun as I hit the floor. My heart is pounding in my ears until I can't even hear the fight around me drawing to a close. It feels like my blood vessels are attacking me and every nerve, every synapse is crying out in response. I'm not even injured but I'm in more pain than I can withstand.

I finally bring myself to look over at the others and find only three Shadows left standing while all 11 of my friends are bearing down on them with as much strength as they've had for the whole fight. It's already pretty much over. We need to get after Orion as soon as possible if we're gonna have any chance of catching him at all. I have to get back into the game for them to even know which way to go to do that since I'm the only one who saw him get away. So I breathe deep and hard, trying to calm down. It takes what feels like hours but can only be less than a minute. Finally, I get myself to grab back the rifle I dropped, holster it, and stand up straight again. The pain's still there, but at least it's bearable now.

By the time the fight's over, my hearing has cleared up enough for me to hear someone's shotgun go off and take down the last assassin standing. I don't know whose it is and I don't care, I'm just glad it's done. Naturally, Tali is the first one rushing back over to me. I can just barely make out that she's once again asking about my wellbeing.

"We don't have time to worry about me!" I insist, "He's getting away!" I signal which way we need to go and start out, but it doesn't take long for them to get ahead of me. I'm moving slower than ever.

But at least I'm moving.


	18. Chapter 18

Review reply: AmyNChan - No, Legion did disperse. Don't worry, all will make sense in time. And if you're as confused as possible before we get there...I'll have done my job. ;)

Chapter 18

We've been running after the head Shadow for a while. We're starting to reach a populated area again. Even on Omega, dragging around an unconscious woman would attract attention, so he's probably looking to snatch a skycar and head to the real Shadows base. The moment he gets that far, we'll lose him for sure, so we have to catch him first. But the longer we're on this chase, the harder it gets to keep track of him…and the slower I'm moving.

When we reach a fork in the road, we stop for a moment so EDI can scan the area and determine which way he went. As we stop, I lean against a nearby wall to catch my breath. That's a mistake. The pain is coming back. Suddenly, I'm having trouble standing at all. Ashley is once again the first to notice, rushing over to support me before I can hit the floor.

"The poison's still hitting him?" Jacob asks when they notice something's wrong.

" _Hard_ ," Ashley answers as she helps me down, "And the antidote's gone."

"I might be able to help," Liara says as she comes over, kneeling down beside me, "Keep going! Don't lose him!" They don't bother arguing before rushing off in the direction EDI signals to. Then Liara works her magic. When I finally work up enough strength to even look at her, her eyes have already changed…

 _Suddenly, my mind is connected to hers again. But this isn't some asari dream therapy like what she was using before. This is…one of her memories._

 _I seem to be watching from behind as Liara walks into Shepard's cabin on the_ Normandy _. Somehow I know exactly when this happened—the day after we helped her take down the Shadow Broker, about a week after Omega-4._

 _Shepard is waiting there as Liara inspects the fish tank. "Did you enjoy the tour?"_

 _Liara smiles. "Yes. It's a beautiful ship. And I ran into Joker. He seemed happy to see me. …although he did ask if I'd 'embraced eternity' lately."_

 _Shepard groans. "Of course, he did."_

 _Liara just steps over to the shelves where the hamster's cage is. "I also spoke with Dr. Chakwas. I'm glad she's doing well. …I brought you something. It took some digging, but I recovered your tags."_

 _Shepard smiles as she gratefully takes the case displaying the tags marking her as Alliance Navy, N7, Commander Sara Shepard. "I thought I'd never see these again."_

 _"They changed hands more than once," Liara explains as Shepard sets them on her desk, "Do you remember Admiral Hackett? He gave them to me so I could return them to you. He sends his best…and hopes you're OK." As Shepard leans back against the desk, Liara steps off to the side and voices her concerns: "So how are you doing, Shepard? I mean really, not what you tell your squad to keep morale up."_

 _What's left of Shepard's smile fades then as she gives up her honest answer: "Between you and me? I have no idea how we're gonna do this. I'm doing everything I can, but…"_

 _"You've done more than most," Liara steps back in, showing full support like always, "You and your team destroyed the Collectors and walked out alive."_

 _Shepard nods as she steps over to the bed. "We fought them in their own base, and we won. They can't call us young or primitive anymore."_

 _"Young? You know, I'm 108…109 in a couple of months."_

 _Shepard just smirks. "I should get you something nice."_

 _"You're alive again," Liara smiles as she steps closer, "I've got everything I want. So tell me what you want. What are you fighting for?" What she says next isn't what I'm expecting. "A chance to give Garrus some peace?"_

 _Shepard doesn't make any effort to hide the pain in her heart at those words. As she sighs and sits down on the bed, she makes it perfectly clear: "He's been hurt, betrayed. He deserves something better." She then shakes her head at the thought of it. "I never thought I'd find peace in the arms of a turian, but…"_

 _"Why not? Humans seem to have no trouble finding asari attractive."_

 _Shepard gives her a look for that one. "Everyone finds asari attractive."_

 _Liara smirks at her for a moment before returning to her supportive, sympathetic self. "I hope the two of you find some happiness, Shepard."_

 _Shepard may not voice it, but the look she gives Liara is beyond grateful. Hopeful. Like there's a chance that wish can come true._

 _Liara sighs. "I should get back to my base. But thanks for inviting me up, Shepard."_

 _Shepard answers by hugging her and saying "Come back soon."_

 _Liara gives her one last smile and walks out._

 _As the doors close behind her and she heads for the elevator, Shepard's voice just barely comes through the walls, activating the intercom. "Garrus? Liara's on her way out if you want some time alone."_

After that, the memory gives way to reality again. The poison's effect is suddenly the furthest thing from my mind. What Shepard said is all I can think about. She told one of her closest friends that she was fighting for _me_ all along. And the words she used to say so are still repeating nonstop through my thoughts (and probably won't stop for days). That must have been the first time she truly confessed how our time together had made her happy. In a way, that makes it the first time she realized that we were really in love. And besides what she said, the look in her eyes and the emotion in her voice…they tell me what words can never hope to convey. I know she looked to me for support in every way possible during the war…but that…that was…

I turn to look at Liara. "That was real, one of your memories."

Liara nods. "She loved you from the beginning, Garrus. Just as you loved her. Maybe no one else saw it—even either of you—but I did. You deserve to know that much is true. I don't know if it helps…"

"It does. …thank you."

Liara answers with a small smile before helping me back to my feet. Let's just hope I can stay that way long enough to get through this.

It's then that the others come rushing back.

"We lost him!" Grunt growls, "He slipped into a skycar and got away and took the clone with him!"

"I tried planting a tracer on him like I did with Kai Leng," Miranda says, "But he was already out of range by the time we got there."

We lost him. And he took the clone with him. Just the thought of it brings back, if briefly, a surge of fury similar to what I felt when I had Sidonis in my sights. The rage fades when I hit the wall in frustration, but we still have a problem. _Now what are we supposed to do?_

"We can't just let him go!" Tali asserts, "He's still trying to kill us and now he has a chance to catch us off-guard. And there's no way the clone is just going to get away with saving my life—we can't let him hurt her for that."

"But we still do not know why she saved you," Samara points out, "It could be a trap."

"Are we really willing to take that risk?"

"I am. Are you?"

"Saving the clone is secondary," Ashley speaks up, "Either way, we still have to get to this Orion guy and _take him out_! And do it before he finds us again!"

"Well, there's no way we're tracking him down now," Jacob says, "We'll have to draw him out."

"Exactly my thoughts," I input, "Just one problem. We didn't have a working plan for that when they were holding you and now I don't have time for one."

"How long do you have?" James asks, some concern leaking into his voice.

EDI answers by running a quick medical scan. "The poison is spreading at a rapidly increasing rate. The effects can be held off for brief periods, but only if his heart rate remains low. Without a viable antidote, virulence will eventually be amplified past what an organic system can withstand. At most, he has eight hours remaining."

…eight hours… I knew it was bad, but hearing an actual estimate of my current life expectancy is…troubling, to say the least. I can tell the others are distressed, too, each showing their worry in their own unique way.

But we're not going to help anything by just worrying over how little time I have left. We need to use that time to find a way to cure it. And priority #1 has to be finding and taking down the Shadows for good. For that matter, the Shadows might be the only ones who can actually get the cure for the poison, so an actual assault on their base will be our last chance to find it. If we don't find it there, we'll never get to it in time. At the very least, if I am going to die, I'm going to make absolutely certain that I take Orion with me.

OK. First things first, we need an actual way to find the Shadows' base. I start thinking over our options, pondering on how to find it. Now that the jamming signal is disabled and we have no active traces to run, we can't track them down without scouring the entire station. That could take days. But if we can narrow it down… Finally, I look to EDI again. "You said you got into the Shadows' network, right? Do you think you can use that to find them?"

"I may be able to isolate a specific location by comparing data from area scans to data I salvaged from the Shadows before they locked me out," EDI answers, "It will still take time to locate the actual base, but I would be able to track it more easily. The longest amount of time that could take would be approximately three hours."

"Alright," I strategize, "Miranda and I can head to Mordin's old med clinic. That's our last chance to find a real treatment for the poison. The rest of you get back to the ship and get ready for an assault. We'll meet up later, find the Shadows' base, and end this."

They must find this plan acceptable, because they almost instantly start preparing to carry it out.

All except Tali. Tali is already prepared for anything anyway, so she turns her attention to me. "What if it doesn't work? …what if they can't save you?"

I want to make some joking comment like I normally would, but her genuine concern for me combined with my own fear is a bit too much for me to take. At least the fear is slowly fading as I realize what my answer is: "Then I'll go down fighting, save the rest of you from this…and see Shepard again." Of course, that doesn't exactly put her worries at ease. Suddenly, she can't even look at me. So I reach to take her hand, a gesture that in itself brings her to meet my eyes again. "We're gonna get through this."

"I know we're going to win," Tali counters, "I've never doubted that. But I already lost one of my best friends in the entire galaxy. I'm not ready to lose another. Certainly not like this."

…wow. I never realized losing Shepard was so hard on her. Looking back, I should have. Quarians and their captains have a special relationship as is. But Shepard was the one who helped Tali finish her Pilgrimage, saved her from exile, and gave her back her home-world. That goes well beyond the terms of "best friend." For that matter, having her put me in the same category as _that_ says a lot.

At last, I bring myself to smirk at her and deliver the clever comment I was looking for a moment ago, which ends up being the same one I gave Shepard: "I'm hard to kill. You should know that."

Tali lets off a small laugh. "Yeah. I guess I do." She then presses her other hand to mine. "Keelah se'lai." Only after she's said so does she walk away.

As I watch her go, Liara comes over to me again. I'm fully expecting her to have a similar speech ready for me, something along the lines of "Goddess be with you" or whatever it is asari say in situations like this. Instead, she smirks and says the last thing I was expecting: "So…when did you start calling Shepard your _kalwen_?"

I'm shocked enough by that to almost fall off my feet again. "What?"

"I heard it in your thoughts when I touched your mind to show you the memory. And I know what it means."

Of course, she does. I sigh, thinking how to answer. "…after Ilium, during the dream Samara gave me. It made me see what I couldn't before…how much I felt for her."

Liara begins to softly smile. "I'm sure nothing would have made her happier than to know it. And she did. I know she did." She reaches over to place a comforting hand on my shoulder. "You will see her again someday, Garrus. But we will do all we can to help you now."

I just nod. "So win either way."

She smiles. "Stay safe. We'll be back as soon as we can." She then heads over to the others and proceeds to lead them back to the docking bay where the _Normandy_ awaits.

Only Miranda stays behind.

I walk over to her. "You ready?"

She nods in affirmation. "Lead the way."

Here's where my familiarity with Omega becomes truly useful. I head through the districts towards the area that was once a plague zone. It's simple, something to focus on. Any memories this invokes are from my days of hunting down mercenaries. Those memories I can face without any fear of getting lost in them and provoking a reaction from the poison. Unless we're suddenly attacked by the Shadows (which would be understandable from a "divide and conquer" point of view at the very least), we'll definitely be safe until we reach the clinic itself.

"So," Miranda suddenly says, "what did Liara do to hold off the poison?"

Focus gone. I remember what Liara let me see and I almost lose myself in it like I've been losing myself in my own memories of Shepard. But, somehow, I manage to keep enough of my attention away from it to at least give Miranda an answer. "She gave me my hope back."

"Let me guess. She showed you proof of how much Shepard was in love with you? We all knew that, some of us before you did."

"But no one thought to say anything?"

"And deny you the fun of finding out on your own?"

I have to smirk at that. She's right, after all. And when it comes to _those_ days, I wouldn't change a thing if I could.

Miranda shakes her head as she continues to follow me through the asteroid. "Actually, I'm surprised you didn't find out on your own sooner. She certainly acted like a woman in love well before then from what I saw. You should've seen her after the Blue Suns got to you. She never unleashed her fury on the Reapers half as hard as she did on that gunship."

That turns my smirk into an actual laugh. I can pretty much picture it. All I have to do is remember how she cut loose on every Reaper or Cerberus trooper that got too close to me and then amplify it a few times and project it onto a mercenary gunship. Quite a sight to behold. Wish I could've seen it. Must have been _very_ entertaining.

Still. No less than I would've done if it'd been her.

I let those thoughts fill me as we continue onward. Pretty soon, we reach the district we're headed to and move in. I look around as we move past the apartments and towards the med clinic. The whole way there, I remember the last time I went through here. My feet seem to guide themselves as if they're following her footsteps. It's strange going through this area without passing deeply infected victims or getting accosted by mercs and vorcha. Of course, just like last time, I'm headed to the clinic seeking treatment—last time for brief exposure to the plague, this time for viral exposure to a deadly neurotoxin. Let's hope Mordin's protégé is as capable as he was.

Finally, we reach the clinic. The first place we met the scientist salarian. It's such a familiar sight, raising fond memories of my time with Shepard and the squad, that for a moment I almost believe we'll hear Mordin rambling on about which drugs to give to which patient when we open the door. As it happens, I'm half right. We do hear someone talking to the assistants, but it's a human voice speaking at a normal pace in full sentences. Something about it does seem familiar, though. I follow it, and Miranda follows me. When we find the source of the voice, I compare it to what I remember.

Yeah, that's him. Daniel Abrams, Mordin Solus' old assistant. He's fairly focused on his work, even though it's not half as busy as it was during the plague, so it takes him a moment to notice we're here. "Oh. Hi. Something I can do for you?"

"We need your help," I explain as fast as I can, "My name is Garrus Vakarian. I was with Commander Shepard when she saved your life two years ago."

"Shepard? Oh, yeah, I remember you. …I heard about what happened to Mordin."

What happened to Mordin. I remember Shepard grieving our salarian friend after he died to cure the genophage. It wasn't exactly easy on me, but she really missed him. "Yeah, I was there when he died. We couldn't have won the war if not for what he did. He was a hero." And he was. Shepard said so herself. Finally, I force my attention to what I came here for. "Look, I'd love to keep this going, but I don't have much time. An assassin tried to kill me with a turian poison and the antidote we've been using isn't strong enough to get it out of my bloodstream. If we don't find a cure now, I'll be dead in a few hours."

He seems shocked for a minute. I can't exactly blame him. Still, he recovers reasonably quickly. "Well, I might be able to formulate a treatment if I can determine what the actual poison is composed of. I'll have to run some tests, it could take a while."

"If anyone could do it, Mordin could. Did he leave anything here that could help?"

"Yeah, he left a lot of his notes behind." He looks around for a moment and finds them. "That should show us how to do it and speed up the process, at least."

Good. So there's a chance. Now all we have to do is hope it's enough…


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

It takes almost ten minutes just to isolate the poison from a sample of my blood. It takes agonizingly longer to break down its key components. Miranda has taken to helping Daniel try to figure it out, but I actually feel… _useless_. That's never happened to me before.

I don't like it.

I keep trying to fight the poison's effects away. Sometimes, I resort to channeling some of Shepard's old messages through a private COMM channel again. Mostly, I make an effort to assist Miranda and Daniel in some capacity. Every second that goes by, though, it gets harder to focus. But I have to. I have to find a way out of this if we're going to catch Orion before it's too late.

Orion…huh. Suddenly, I remember a night I spent with Shepard during the war, sometime after Rannoch. I remember lying on her bed with her and gazing up at the stars. For some reason, she decided to tell me about how the stars made pictures—constellations, her people called them—and the pictures sometimes told stories, a lot of which were from the myths she so enjoyed. One of them was Orion, the hunter. Now we're facing down someone with that name who is head of a galactic assassin ring. Orion. Hunter of the stars. Is that supposed to be ironic?

I don't even bother trying to remind myself to focus on the matter at hand. There's not much I can do but wait it out while Mordin saves me posthumously.

I hope.

I check the time again. For what must be the 20th time. At most, I have six and a half hours left. At least, I only have two. _Well, find some way to occupy yourself that doesn't get your pulse rising. Anything else will let the poison spread quicker. I have to at least give them the time they need to actually figure this out at all._ Not that it'll make a difference if the new and improved antidote doesn't work. Then we'll have wasted the time we needed to find the Shadows' base, the last possible place we could find a way to save me.

Unless, of course, our assassins were so intent on forcing us to suffer and die that they deliberately deleted any data they had on the poison to prevent us from doing that. In which case, I'm fighting for nothing, doing nothing more than delaying the inevitable. _Well…she did tell me not to hurry to follow her._

Alright. Find something to do that doesn't promote the stress I'm already under or remind me of her and send me falling back into memories and hallucinations. …yeah, that puts me at a loss. It's not like I can calibrate the _Normandy_ 's cannons from here. Wait, no, I couldn't anyway, that's how this all started. I start mentally naming off everything I've ever done for the sake of passing time. Half of them involve strenuous activity and the other half bring back thoughts of Shepard.

 _OK. Think, Vakarian. Until I actually drop dead, I am still technically supposed to be leading the mission against the Shadows. …start by thinking up attack strategies. It's no different from planning a hit on the merc gangs._ Right. Seems simple enough. Once again, it's from a time I can get lost in without worrying about side effects. So I start pacing the room as the tests continue and I start planning.

The Shadows must be hiding out somewhere like the industrial district we just caught them in. We need to start the search in the other abandoned or less populated areas. When we get there, we need to start by taking out the guards. They'll probably be looking for us, so we need to strike quick and quiet or else they'll sound the alarm on us again.

 _She never cared about risks. Even on Tuchanka, when a Harvester was bearing down on us, she shot it down without a second thought to protect—_

Stop it!

We should find some way to breech their network again. EDI's been doing a really good job of that so far, so, as long as there's no backup of the jamming system, we can put her at the front for that and the rest of us can cover her. At best, we can set off their alarms ourselves and send them on a…"wild goose chase," right? Still don't get that one. Anyway, even if we can't set a trap for them, we can determine the specifics of the contract and exploit it. We might even be able to figure out what's going on with the clone.

 _Maybe we can save this one. The last one wasn't exactly different. Sure, she tried to kill us, but, when she and Shepard were in danger and we saved our Shepard, things changed. Shepard saw that. She tried to save the "other her," but she failed. Just like she failed to save Liara's mother and Saren. She may not have shown it, but each of those got to her—_

STOP IT!

No matter what, we definitely need to take down Orion. He'll likely have gone to ground with the clone somewhere in the most heavily guarded area, so there's no way we'll get the element of surprise there. We'll just have to go in hot and shoot everything in sight until we get to him. And that's gonna be the easy part.

 _Of course, the Collector base was no different. We all came out of that alive. But that was largely because of Shepard. I still remember coming out of the second main hall and taking that hit as the doors closed. It was hard enough to make me fall against the door for a moment, though not enough to actually do any damage. But as soon as she saw I was hit at all, she was at my side—_

OK, so, clearly, falling into strategy isn't doing me any good.

I check the time again. Well, I've managed to take my time down by nearly a half hour with no change. I groan to myself. Just the wait is killing me, let alone the actual poison. Time to try something else. I turn on my COMM. "What's going on over there? Are you guys all set?"

 _"Charged up, geared up, and ready to go," Jack confirms, "We're headed back now. Even grabbed the cheerleader's guns for her."_

"Appreciate it," Miranda comments passively.

 _"What about you?" Tali asks, not bothering to hide that she's still worried, "Have you found anything yet?"_

"We're getting close. We should have something in less than an hour."

Well, that's fortunate. That might end up being all the time I have left.

 _"That should be about the same time we'll get up to you," Ashley confirms, "We'll see you then. And you'd better be alive when we get there, Vakarian."_

"No promises," I say half to myself before turning my COMM back off. I mean it, too. I can't exactly do anything to postpone the unavoidable at this point. Maybe if I just focus on breathing again, keep my heart rate down and let my mind drift off before it can get hit by the memories again, maybe it'll make a difference. Maybe.

…breathe…breathe…

… _thump…thump…_

 _I was certainly lost in her eyes again. And the way she was holding my hand to her chest in itself made me forget everything but this moment with her. But what really had my attention was the steady rhythm of her heartbeat, just below the surface she pressed my hand to._

… _thump…thump…_

 _I smirked to myself at the thought of being so enamored with something so simple. But this was special. One of my favorite things about my favorite human. I reached my free hand up to stroke her hair—another one of my favorite things about her—and I could've sworn I felt her heart beating just a little faster when I touched her._

When I finally bring myself to open the eyes I didn't know I closed, I find that I'm clutching the examination table so tightly that the muscles in my hands are aching. But when I try to pull away, I find something else, something much worse.

The muscle weakness is setting in again, so strong I can barely stand. I keep hanging onto the table to stay on my feet, but the weakness starts working its way into my arms, too, and I drop anyway. I don't know how I manage to stay leaning against the table. All I know is that my heart is no longer capable of being controlled at all. The heart is a muscle, too.

And the poison just reached it.

Miranda is the first to notice me struggling not to collapse and quickly gives me the support I need to get to the nearest chair. "Are you alright?"

"I'll be fine," I wave her off, "Just hurry!" She doesn't debate the issue before heading back to work. That leaves me alone, struggling to stay conscious, nothing to distract me from the hallucinations anymore.

 _I remember one night, a week or two after Sidonis, when I was so nervous about me and Shepard that I drowned myself in calibrations. I didn't even notice when I started getting tired. So by the time I was ready to break, I ended up falling asleep on the battery floor. I woke up to find a message flashing on the console. Curious, I went to see what it said._

 _Found us a mission but you wouldn't answer your COMM. Came by to see why and decided not to disturb you. Thane went along instead. Glad to see you actually unwind after all that's been going on. You should try it more often._

 _\- Shepard_

 _P.S. Let me know when you're ready to unwind some place more comfortable._

Out of habit, I start trying to push the memories away. I stop almost immediately. _No…no, it's too late for that now. I just lost those extra five hours I was counting on. Whether the antidote works or not…I want this._ So I stop fighting it. At this rate, the poison is spreading at a fixed rate anyway and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I might as well give in. At the very least, the memories will take my mind off the pain.

 _I remember lying on her bed with her, on the way to meet the quarian admirals. I let the feeling of holding her close consume me as she leaned into me, one of the few moments during the entire war that she actually seemed to find some peace and some happiness if only for a moment. I was beyond disappointed when EDI "stepped in" to tell us we had reached the envoy ships._

 _After the AI was out of the room, Shepard tried to get up, but I held onto her, keeping her in position. "Garrus, you gotta let go sometime."_

 _"Can we hold off 'sometime' for a few hours?"_

 _She smiled. "You know I would if I could." Then she kissed me and pushed me off enough to let her stand up._

"He's running out of time!" I distantly hear Miranda urging Mordin's old assistant as breathing starts to get harder. She's right. I know that the moment I realize that trying to breathe normally is actually _hurting_. But I can't hear the rest of the conversation, not clearly. I think I hear something about a working antidote being almost synthesized, but maybe I shouldn't get my hopes up. Maybe I need to face the possibility that this is it. As soon as that thought comes through, I think back to what I told Tali earlier when she asked what would happen if this came to pass. So I didn't get to go down fighting like I planned. But at least I really am going to see Shepard again.

 _I remember all at once every night we spent together. The thought of her takes me over. The strongest of all of them is, of course, the night of Omega-4. It's like I can still feel her wrapped around me and bringing me to pull her closer in response. Like I can still feel our hearts beating together as we gave in to each other and lost track of time completely. Like I once again feel the sudden revelation of_ This is what real love feels like.

Just as the memories begin to fade from the front of my mind, the weakness spreads through my whole body until I can't even stay seated and I fall to the floor. I try to bring myself up again, but every movement hurts. Every agonizingly slow beat of my aching heart is painful. I can feel myself slipping away as everything around me starts to fade. Miranda snatching the experimental cure from Daniel and rushing to give it to me is the last thing I see before the world turns black…

… _Shepard…_

…

 _I don't even bother wondering where I am this time. Mostly, I'm caught up in wondering if I'm really dead or just unconscious. Then I get up the nerve to look around. It's not dark this time. Everything is white. If my senses were at their peak, I'd probably be blinded._

 _Well, that narrows it down. Every time I've had one of the poisoned dreams from being unconscious, it's been nighttime or in a place surrounded by darkness. For everything to be so bright…maybe I really am in that turian heaven I told Shepard about._

 _At first, I start looking around, probably for some sign of her. Or the bar I told her to meet me at. She did tell me to come find her when I got there. Now's my chance to follow through. It takes a moment, but I finally see someone a short ways away. Someone who looks a lot like…_

 _"…Shepard?"_

 _She turns to face me. The moment I see bright green eyes light up at the sight of me, I know without a doubt who it is. "Get yourself into some trouble without me after all, Vakarian?"_

 _My heart leaps and what must be the biggest smile I've ever had breaks through. "You have no idea!" I rush over to her and she smiles back, jumping to hug me. I gladly return the embrace. This is what I've wanted most since the moment of that final run. And it's still everything I hoped for._

 _"Don't you have somewhere you need to be?" she suddenly whispers in my ear, unknowingly summoning the desire to give in to her again._

 _"I'm pretty sure we've got an eternity ahead of us."_

 _"Not so fast." She pulls back from me, meets my eyes again. "It's not your time yet."_

… _wow. I…I wasn't expecting to be so disappointed at the news that I was actually going to survive this._

 _As my smile fades, I take in the sight of her one last time. Even in death, she's the most beautiful sight I've ever seen. Kind of makes me wonder why humans say love is blind. And, at the same time, proves to me why they do. It also makes me wonder how I'm going to survive the rest of my life without it when I could barely last a single year. "…I can't do this without you."_

 _"Yes, you can," she says, so forcefully it's like she's commanding me to agree, all the while reaching her hand to take mine and never once letting her gaze leave my eyes, "I believe in you."_

 _I can tell she means it. The same way I knew how deeply she meant it when she first told me "I love you." That's enough to restore my faith. Because if she really believes in me… For a moment, I look down at the hand she's clutching so tightly that I couldn't let go if I wanted to. More than anything, I wish I didn't have to. I finally bring myself to look in her eyes again. The look she's giving me hasn't changed, it says the same thing her words did. I can't fight it any longer, the need to open up to her… "I lost my will to fight when I lost you. It really was an awfully empty galaxy without you. The thought of living without you is what really killed me. I don't know how to do this alone. Last time I did, it was a disaster. You're the one who got me through it. But now…I just…"_

 _Then, just like before Omega-4, she silences my worries by reaching over to press her hand against my scars. This time, though, she starts to gently run her fingers over them, a gesture so reassuring that I forget my fears entirely. "You've come this far. All you have to do is keep fighting. And finish this." She steps closer to me, leaning in so that our foreheads touch. She doesn't let go of my hand or my scars, still stroking both. Every memory I have of her rushes by me in a flash. Right now, my greatest wish is that we really could stay like this forever. …maybe someday we will. "I'm proud of you, Garrus. Now go make that worth something."_

…I will. _I have to go back. But I'm not leaving her again. Not like this. So I raise the hand not tight in her grasp and use it to pull her in. In a second, we're lost in our first kiss since Earth. Time falls away altogether and I cling to this for as long as I possibly can. The unrivaled intoxication of Sara Shepard. When we do separate, I can't even bring myself to open my eyes. If I do, I'll be forced to watch as she fades away forever. No, what I see isn't what matters now but what I say. "…I love you, Sara. Goodbye."_

 _It takes all the strength I have left to let go of her. But I do. I feel her walk away, hear her whisper "Goodbye" for the last time. As she returns to a world I can't touch, I let myself fall away to the waking realm I call home…_

…it takes a moment for my senses to return…

"…Garrus? Garrus!"

…and when they do, I hear someone calling for me. I finally bring myself to open my eyes.

Tali is standing over me. "Garrus!" she sighs with relief, "Are you alright?"

I groan as I bring myself to a sitting position. "That depends…am I dead?"

She lets off a small laugh. "No. You're back. It was a good call coming here. Mordin's notes really did save your life."

Yeah. I knew it. First he helped us stop the Collectors, then he helped my people and my _kalwen_ 's by helping the krogan, and now this. _Thanks for everything, you crazy, brilliant salarian._

Tali helps me to my feet. I'm surprised to find that I don't need any help staying that way. And…in comparison to the last _month_ , practically…my mind seems _quiet_. The hallucinations are all gone and the memories aren't so quick to…well, attack me.

I'm back. Ready for action.

I turn to Tali. "So, if you're here, I'm assuming the others are waiting outside."

"Yes," Tali answers, "Miranda went out to tell them what happened and I came in to check on you. We're ready to go."

"Good. Because so am I." I head for the door.

Tali follows close behind. "Good to have you back, Garrus."

I just smile and nod. "Good to be back, Tali." Then I head towards the clinic entrance to meet the others outside.

"…can't just go charging in without him," I hear Ashley saying as we enter earshot of the squad, "We need a plan."

"Here's a plan," Grunt retorts, "Go in, shoot them all, and don't die."

"That's not a plan. That's the basis of a plan. …otherwise, it'd actually be a good plan."

I smirk to myself as I reach the door, not just at the humorous exchanges of my closest friends but also at what I realize is true now: we're all together and in this 100%. No way can we lose.

"We should focus on Garrus first," EDI is saying when I hit the door and let Tali step out in front of me.

"Don't bother," I say as I meet them in the hall, "Last I checked…" I take a moment to observe everyone's reaction to my recovery, most of them pleased. Then I draw my sniper rifle and prepare it for a fight. "…we've got a base full of assassins to kill."


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

 _I sighed as I headed for the casino entrance, fiddling with my sleeves the whole way there. After relying on my armor for so long, I started to feel less and less comfortable in anything else. Least of all formal wear. Of course, Shepard consented to feeling the same way well before we actually left her apartment, but at least her people get some variety on the subject. The downside of a militaristic culture._

Well, I guess I should be thinking about Shepard, _I reminded myself,_ I'm in on this to protect her. _But thinking about Shepard on my current line of thought had me wondering how she'd be handling this situation. I found myself picturing the outfit I found her in when I headed off the merc ambush and smirked at the thought of seeing it again. Then I came up to the entrance and caught sight of her._

 _It was_ much _better than I was expecting. Shepard stood there in a tight silver dress, shimmering jewels hanging over her collar. Even her light red hair was dressed for the occasion, seemingly tossed over her left shoulder but still flowing down in waves. As she noticed me coming up, she smiled so brightly that her emerald eyes appeared to glisten. That moment was when she was the absolute most beautiful sight I had ever seen._

 _I smiled as I stepped over to her. "Looking good, Shepard."_

 _She just smirked at me as she took my arm and let me lead her in. "I did the best I could without a carapace or a crest."_

 _"Your best has my mandible on the floor."_

"Garrus!"

I snap myself out of it. At least the hallucinations are gone and not strengthening my "reminiscing" anymore. What was once all-consuming has been reduced to just plain distracting. It's a nice reprieve this time, coming free from the memory like being woken from a daydream instead of like receiving an electric shock. But I turn that thought aside and look to the one who pulled me out of it. "What is it?"

"EDI thinks she found something," Jacob answers before heading back.

I follow him over. We've been going through the industrial districts for over an hour trying to follow EDI's faint signals. EDI hasn't steered us wrong yet, so, if she thinks she found them, chances are she really did. Once I've turned the corner from the wall I was leaning against, I find the others coming over to EDI as well, who is currently checking her readings. "What do you got, EDI?"

"I believe I have located them," EDI says as she finishes with her readings, "All the data I can compile indicates they are hiding in that facility."

I look to the facility in question. One of the depleted element zero mines. Should've guessed it. "Alright," I give the order as I check my weapons one last time, "this is it. Stay close as long as possible and remember the plan."

"Got it," James nods, "What's the plan?"

I answer with a glare.

"Kidding."

I groan, shaking my head. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but leave the jokes to EDI." With that said, we move in.

The area is generally dark, so the guards shouldn't be able to see us if we stick to cover. We stay low and stay together, moving closer until we have a chance to scope the place out. Once we have one, I pull my sniper rifle back out and scan the area. There's about eight Shadows patrolling the area or guarding the main entrance, which is locked.

…that's it? It's like they're not even trying to keep us out. Like they're either not expecting us to find them or _planning_ for us to find them. Like this is really a trap. Actually, odds are it _is_ a trap, but we have to take that chance if we're going to end this.

Alright. First things first, we've gotta take these guards out without setting off alarms throughout the entire base. If we get mobbed before we even get close to Orion, we'll never stand a chance when we actually get there—we don't know how many assassins are inside. That means we have to start quick and quiet like I planned. That presents a problem. We're too far away for anyone but me and Ash to get a clear shot and the nearest cover any closer to the base is 20, 30 meters away—even one of us sprinting to it will almost definitely get us spotted. So either Ash and I need to do this as fast as we possibly can or we need to take our chances getting some of the others closer and hope for the best.

…or…

I turn to Tali, who is, luckily, right next to me, and lay out my plan for her.

She nods and, as I signal to Ashley to get ready, calls up her combat drone in stealth mode. The drone floats off to the side well away from us, staying out of sight as long as possible, then, once it's in position, explodes. The sudden loud noise and flash of light reliably draws the attention of all eight guards as well as distracts them from the sound of two sniper rifle shots taking out the guards by the door. While they're off-balance, Ash and I start taking out the other six. By the time they realize what's going on, we've already lined up our shots for the last two and fired.

EDI checks the area quickly. "All hostiles terminated. No alarms activated."

"Any surveillance?" I ask.

"Not on the outside."

"Alright. Let's go." I get out of cover and head for the door, the others following close behind. When we actually reach the door, we find that it's still locked. "EDI?"

"On it." EDI approaches the door and starts to hack the lock.

"Everyone keep your guard up once we're inside. This has all the makings of a trap."

"You really think they'd try the whole 'trap' thing twice?" Ashley remarks.

"Considering how the first one ended?" Liara points out.

"…point taken."

"Hey!" We all turn frantically to follow the voice and find a ninth Shadow there. They start drawing their weapon and reaching for their COMM—

Before anyone else can do anything, Samara, the one standing closest to the assassin in question, cuts him off by drawing her gun and nonchalantly shooting her target in the hand and then in the neck.

Wrex just smirks at this as the assassin finally drops dead. "I'm starting to like her."

It's then that EDI gets the door open.

Keeping my gun at the ready, I step through and look around. It's relatively dark inside as well and no one is around. "Looks like we're clear for now." The others shortly come through after me. "Our first priority needs to be deactivating the security if we can. Look for an active console EDI can get through."

"Would it really make a difference?" Jack asks even as she starts searching with us, "We all know that Orion guy is just gonna reset everything and turn on the alarms as soon as we get to him. Maybe we should take out as many guards as we can before we get there. That'd be easier if they came running right to us."

"Then we'd have already exhausted ourselves by the time we got to him. And we all saw what he can do. I'm not fighting _that_ at half-strength."

"Still, then _out_ is going to become a problem."

"Well, we'll have dealt with the clone by then," Tali adds, "Maybe she can show us some secret exit or something."

"We should not raise our hopes regarding the clone," Samara says, "There is every possibility that she may still attempt to kill us."

"She's had plenty of opportunity to. Half the time, she's let us go."

"And the other half, we have barely survived. It is quite clear that she has been working for the Shadows all along. It is far less clear why she would suddenly turn on them now."

"I barely understand how there was a second clone in the first place and why it started working for the Shadows to begin with," Miranda steps in.

"I guess we'll find our answers to that when we find the data on the contract," I say, "I'm kind of curious to see who wants us dead so badly." Then I open a door nearby and find a security room leading to the next hall. "EDI, I think I got it."

EDI steps over and looks. "Yes, this console should allow me to access the security measures. One moment." As we cover her, she moves to access the console.

"What do you got for us, EDI?" I ask after a few seconds.

"I can disrupt their communications and disable any facility-wide alerts. However, I cannot access any automated defenses from here. We will have to handle those separately."

"You're sure?"

"My calculations are infallible."

"Do it."

EDI hacks into the console and starts combing through the data. "Communications scrambled. I am retrieving all available information and storing it in my databanks now." She takes a second to set up a connection between her own system and the Shadows', then she returns to scanning the intel. "…I can see where they gained access to Liara's network and how they used it to formulate this plan as well as the poisons and the jamming system they used. And Ilium was completely orchestrated by the Shadows as part of that plan."

"You mean the guy they killed wasn't even the one who started the contract?" James asks.

"No. In fact…this data indicates that they initiated the contract themselves."

"What?!" I react, mirroring the shock of most—if not all—of us, "Why would the Shadows hire themselves to kill us?!"

"The motive is not described here. However, I can access encrypted files relating to a project marked as directly related and the rest should be available at some of the other secure terminals inside the facility." She hacks in and, in about 15 seconds, decrypts and opens the files she mentioned, displaying them on the monitors the console is connected to. The moment we see what it is, our astonishment at the Shadows' contract is completely forgotten, supplanted entirely by the paralyzing shock from what is displayed here.

The Shadows are the ones who made the clone. The data provides every gruesome detail of the process. It doesn't say where they acquired the "baseline material"— _her DNA_ —but I imagine it wasn't all that hard to find a blood sample close to the conduit on Earth and match it to Commander Sara Shepard. It took four months to use that to get the finished product. Dates and medical jargon fly past my focus but I get the gist of it. I see how the clone was pieced together…and operated on _fully conscious_.

I hear the others talking. Some of them are still in shock and barely say anything. Liara, Tali, and Ashley speak in pained voices. But I don't listen to a word. All the attention I have is focused completely on the screens.

 _Blood vessels manually aligned—violent reaction_

 _Self-mutilation attempted—sedated_

 _Extreme nerve attack—unknown cause_

Simply glancing over the readings, I see that same message go by at least a dozen times. "Extreme nerve attack—unknown cause." What could bring that on? Was her system really so delicate that everything they were doing was causing such brutal side effects? It must have been. It was certainly a young system, only "born" a few months before. But the thought of an entire nervous system seizing up in pain is…is there even a word for how _terrifying_ that is? How could they invest so much in this clone and then just sit back and watch while that horror tore through her body? How could they be so brainless? …so heartless?

 _Skeletal system modified—full restraints necessary_

 _Vital signs destabilized—electrically restored_

 _Chemical treatment utilized for blood vitality—violent reaction_

With every step, I feel the fire growing inside me. It reminds me of the fire burning through me towards Cerberus on Cronos Station when Shepard found the data on the Lazarus Project, when the fear started clawing at her that they had done something to her, when I saw her hurting and did all I could to reassure her that this didn't change anything, when the guilt she'd been dodging for so long came at her with force, when we discovered how the Illusive Man had used her and everyone on the _Normandy_ for his own selfish needs. I knew exactly what the fire was then—I wanted to track down the Illusive Man and make him pay for everything he had done, for all the people he had hurt and for using my Shepard like that. Now it's something else. Now it's something stronger.

 _Extreme nerve attack—unknown cause_

 _Tests run on nervous system—no abnormal results_

 _Muscular system modified—full restraints necessary_

 _All internal organs pressurized and restored—extremely violent reaction_

Eventually, the fire gets so strong that it distorts everything around me except this. I don't even hear the others talking behind me. I don't even feel the crushing pressure on my veins as my heart starts pounding more forcefully and my blood begins to burn. I don't even see the room surrounding the monitors flashing with the recovered data.

All I see is how these psychotic killers abused all that was left of the one human that mattered most to me in the entire galaxy. All I see is how they made this… _thing_ from her blood and then treated it like a Frankenstein monster. Shepard told me that story once. It was one of the stories her people first told centuries ago that she was so intrigued with. The thought of it interrupts my vision with flashes of who she was when she was alive. It hurts almost as much as the poison beating inside me did.

All I feel is the rage, the need to make them suffer for bringing out this disgraceful fabrication, this dark reflection of her, and watching carelessly as it struggled through countless hours of pain. I can almost feel the pain myself, just imagine what it must have been like to wake up in some shady room completely at the mercy of these heartless beasts. Shepard once told me about when she first woke up in the Cerberus lab, how it seemed like she was having some horrible nightmare, how she could feel her heart rate climbing so dramatically it was fatal and she was helpless to stop it, how she was more scared at that moment than the past 12 years combined. The thought of it hurt me then. It hurts even more now.

…all I hear is the screams. I can't help but imagine my _kalwen_ enduring the horror they put her clone through and I hear the voice I fell in love with crying out for some kind of release that wouldn't come. …crying out for me when I couldn't reach her. She told me one night during the war that she had one lonely memory of her mother, the one she lost on Earth when she was too young to know her. She said that she never knew for certain if it was a real memory or not, but she remembered waking up one night screaming and calming down when her mother came to sing her back to sleep. She told me that just moments before falling asleep in my arms, like she still needed something to hold onto to chase the bad dreams away and get any sort of peace. Maybe she did. Looks like the clone could've used that, too. And the idea that she'd be so fragile, that she would be so desperate and still be deprived of such small comfort is…it's…too horrible for words.

 _Control chip installed_

 _Extreme nerve attack—unknown cause_

 _Control chip malfunction_

 _First attempt at psychological rewrite failed_

"Psychological rewrite"… _BRAINWASHING_?! So it wasn't enough to build this cruel reminder of what we lost— _what I lost_ —and force her to go through all that physical trauma. They had to put her mind through it, too. They had to ensure she never became what the real Shepard was, never lived to be anything close to the strong-willed, kindhearted, free spirit I loved. They had to reduce her to a lifeless puppet, an obedient shell, a soulless little doll! These monsters are worse than slavers. They don't deserve to live!

 _Second attempt at psychological rewrite failed_

 _Third attempt at psychological rewrite failed_

 _Orpheus Protocol enabled_

"Orpheus Protocol." Orpheus was one of the myths Shepard told me about the day after Rannoch. It was about a musician who lost his wife and went to the Underworld to retrieve her only to be trapped down there with her. I remembered hearing something about it before and asked her if, by any chance, "Orpheus" was some sort of human expression as well. Her answer was that there was a poison some humans called Orpheus because it "drags you down to hell and leaves you there."

…an Orpheus poison…that's what they've been trying on us. Each poison they used was species-specific to give the strongest effect. I know the one they used on me dragged me to hell. The "Orpheus Protocol" must be the contract to kill Shepard's honorary family. They couldn't get the clone to do what they wanted, so they used us as a…what? An example? A test run? First, they create and terrorize a clone of my dead _kalwen_. Then they throw it at us like an attack dog in some desperate attempt to make it their _plaything_! Now she's seen right through them and tried to help us. She'll pay for that. They'll torture her, this time because they _want_ her to suffer. …never in my life have I wanted so much to kill someone.

I don't even realize what I'm doing until I'm already making my move. I pull my gun and fire at the console, practically destroying it. The sudden shot causes the conversation behind me to cease abruptly. I can just about see the shocked expressions my closest friends are giving but I still don't turn away from the monitors, even when the display is reduced entirely to static. I lower my gun, but I'm still clutching it so tight that I can almost feel the blood stop flowing in my hand. I haven't felt this way since the moment I saw Sidonis in my sniper scope. That unmatched fury at the thought of someone destroying something you care deeply for…or so absolutely dishonoring the memory of someone you loved and lost. It's all-encompassing, strong enough to make you forget everything else besides that burning desire for vengeance. Shepard was the one who got me through it last time. But this?

This I might never come back from.

Somehow, though, I manage to remind myself that we're on a mission right now. Then I remember that the mission is going to take us right to the very people I'm dying to strangle to death and my resolve is restored completely. "Let's get moving." I still don't face the others as I get back to the task at hand and head through the doors to the next hall. I don't want to see their responses. All I want now is to end this.

Once and for all.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

We never stop for a moment as we head through the halls. Every few turns, we get the jump on a few assassins and make use of the fact that EDI scrambled their communications. In between those, a squad of the assassins might get the jump on us, but they typically then find out why we're not the sort of people you mess with.

As we come up on the next hall, I search the area quickly. "No one this way. We might be getting closer. See if you can find one of those terminals that EDI said would—"

Before I can finish, the vents over our heads pop open and several of the assassins jump out. One of them instantly starts to come at me. The second I see them approaching with one of the knives, I duck enough to avoid the strike and grab them by the arm. But instead of seizing the opportunity to shoot my assassin down like the others do, I twist the arm I've taken hold of until they cry out and drop the knife, which I then snatch from the air halfway to the floor and drive up into their chest. The blade pierces far enough for me to feel it as their heartbeat slowly fades. As they finally drop to the floor, I remember two of the entries I saw on the data for the clone—"Skeletal system modified" and "All internal organs pressurized and restored." Looks like I just acted in retaliation.

Maybe it shouldn't bother me so much that they did all those things to the clone. But she's a clone of the love of my life, the woman I loved and lost forever. To think of them so extensively terrorizing someone with the same body even with a different mind…someone with the same blood, the same heart…

 _"Ow!" she winced, flinching back from me._

 _"I barely touched it," I pointed out as I more carefully reached for her arm, where she'd been grazed by a bullet after her armor cracked in a close-up fight with a Cerberus trooper._

 _"It's a fresh scratch. Those have a way of stinging from the slightest—_ ow _!" She started to flinch again._

 _This time, I outright grabbed her arm and started to put pressure on the "minor" injury. "This is what you get for using the last medi-gel on me."_

 _"Yeah, well, you got_ shot _in the arm and I've survived_ a lot _worse than this, so it wasn't even a choice in my head."_

 _I just gave her a brief look. Just feeling the warmth of her blood on my hand was enough to bring back the concern for her sake, however small the actual wound was. "I swear, if Vega isn't back with Cortez and the shuttle in_ five minutes _…!"_

 _"Garrus! It's a flesh wound! It's not like I'm going into a coma!"_

 _"You'll forgive me for being a bit too worried over the fact that my girlfriend got hit and I can't even stop the bleeding."_

 _She understood that. The small measure of annoyance peeking through was instantly replaced by the beginnings of a swell of sympathy. "Hey…" She reached to take hold of my free hand and placed it against her chest, just over her heart. "See? Still going strong."_

… _thump…thump…_

I shake it off. I lost myself in the rest of that memory enough back at the clinic. Now is certainly not the time.

I look back at the others and find that the rest of the assassins are down as well. "…well…that was deceptively sneaky. EDI, did you miss an alarm or do they always crawl through their own vents?"

"It is most likely," EDI counters, "that they heard us coming from the next hall over and chose to surprise attack us. Obviously, this was not an efficient strategy."

I groan. "This is just gonna keep getting harder, isn't it?"

"And we will continue to not make it easy on them," Samara points out.

I turn my attention back to the hall around us. It doesn't seem to lead anywhere, but there are six doors between us and the end, three on either side. I head for the door nearest to us and open it. There's no one inside and nowhere to go from here, but we've finally found one of the terminals EDI mentioned.

Grunt starts scanning the room himself, not letting his own gun down for a second. "So they ambush us in the hall when we can outmaneuver them, but not in here when we have access to their information?"

"Grunt's right," I say, "Keep your guard up. Half of what's happened with these guys hasn't made tactical sense."

"And the other half?" Jack questions.

"Is so genius it's scary." Still, the others are ready to cover me and no one's coming right now, so I approach the terminal and access the data log stored on it.

 _"Our window is closing," Orion's voice comes through the terminal, "It's past time the Shadows stepped into the light. But to do that, we first have to overthrow the Council. Our sufficient force should be more than enough to handle any opposition, but it's not enough to just win. We need to hit the Council where it hurts. We need an agent for our insurgency, someone who can show the galaxy that we have not just the strength to perform such a feat but also the power to enforce it. I hate to say it, but we may need to take a page from the Reapers for that one. We need to turn the Council's own strength against them. So I believe the search should take place among the ranks of the Spectres."_

"They were gonna do _what_?!" James instantly demands.

I sigh. "Guess it was pretty inevitable for us to eventually get to someone with a 'take over the entire galaxy' plan."

"Well," Liara comments dryly, "at least it's a reprieve from all the 'destroy the entire galaxy' plans."

"Alright…" I check my gun again before heading to the next door. "…let's keep going. We'll find the rest along the way." After the next two doors we check come up empty and the third has us meeting an assassin who goes down after one shot, I turn to EDI again. "You're sure you can't find any schematics for this place?"

"There were none available at the security terminal, no," EDI answers even as we head to the next door.

"Nothing's ever easy with us…"

Only two doors left. Both of which are prime spots for another ambush. Tali, James, Samara, Grunt, Miranda, and I head for one while Liara, Wrex, Jack, EDI, Jacob, and Ash take the other. We all head in at the same time, ready for a fight. No assassins, but…

"I think we found the door to the next hall," I call to the others.

"Same here!" Ashley calls back.

"Alright, we'll stay split up and head through, then meet up when we find Orion. Or the clone. Don't turn your COMMs off until we get there." So I open the door to the next hall and lead the five following me off. The hall is dimly lit and a bit too quiet. That usually means…

Of course. Less than ten seconds after we've entered the hall, the Shadows start in. The fight breaks out instantly. There's only six of us instead of twelve but there are more Shadows now than we've been facing this whole time. Enough to make you wonder just how many of them there could possibly be.

 _"We've encountered heavy opposition!" Ashley reports over the COMM, "There's a lot of them but they're only slowing us down!"_

"Same here!" I report back as I shoot off one of the assassins, "But past experience says that just means we're on the right track. Keep pushing ahead and don't let them too close!" Figures that, as soon as I say it, Grunt goes charging past and mows down five of our attackers. "…except to the krogan."

We don't let up until all our targets are down. Then we keep moving down the hall and following the trail of people trying to kill us. No doors we come across lead anywhere, so it's probably a straight shot from here. All we have to do is stay alive until we reach the end. The Shadows seem pretty intent on making sure we don't get that far, but they don't exactly stop us. We finally come to a door at the end of the hall and figure that must be the way to our targets. We storm in…and come face-to-face with Ash and the others.

I take a moment to look around in confusion. Our halls just connected with no Shadows waiting for us and no doors or alcoves. "OK, I know these old mines are usually like mazes, but this is just ridiculous!"

"We must have missed a door back at the entrance," Tali says, "We'll have to double back."

"Wait!" I grab her by the arm before she can head out. I can see from here that there are Shadows pouring over the hallway we just cleared. Like we just fell into a trap. One glance at the hall Ash and the others came through says it's the same for them. "We're boxed in. We'll be lucky to get all the way back to where we started before we're massacred."

"Hold on!" Tali then fires her shotgun four times at the wall. When I look, I see why: she just opened a vent shaft. "It looks like it might be big enough for all of us to get through."

"Good thinking. Let's go!" I crawl in with Tali just behind me. The others move in after us, Wrex coming in last. "There's no room to maneuver if they flank us!" I call back to him.

"I got it!" Wrex calls back, his insistence instantly followed by the beeping of a grenade he tossed back into the hall we cleared. Just when we get out of range, it goes off and completely prevents the Shadows behind us from following. "What would you guys do without me?"

I just shake my head at him, smirking to myself, and keep moving. We finally reach a grate. I move towards it and kick it open, dropping through to the room below. As the others follow, I look around and find that it's similar to the security room, complete with a terminal likely carrying more of Orion's data log.

"Looks like we're getting closer to the big fight," Grunt comments.

"Which means they'll start coming at us even harder when they see what we're doing. Watch your back." I watch as they all ready their weapons for a new fight. Then I access the terminal like I did the previous one.

 _Once again, Orion's voice comes from it: "Brainless terrorists. Cerberus just had to go crazy and try exactly what we were planning. At least they proved that a 'coup' is possible. But they also proved that it'll never succeed as long as_ Commander Shepard _is around. On the other hand…she is a Spectre…so if we could_ convince _her…we may have just found our insurgent. Still, 'convincing' her will be the hard part. She's a regular 'paragon of virtue' if ever there was one. However, the intel we have on her suggests she has severely extreme emotional attachments to most—if not all—of her crewmen. They could be our leverage. Now all we have to do is wait for an opening to act on that plan…"_

"They were planning this before Shepard even died?" Ashley asks, most of us following her into shock, "And they were going to use _us_ to blackmail her into killing the Council and giving that Orion jerk total control?!"

"It's a brilliant plan, actually," Miranda grudgingly admits.

"How can you say that?!"

"…because it would've worked."

Sadly, we can't debate her over it. We all know she's right again. Shepard gave her life to save the galaxy, but she made every other risk imaginable for _us_. If the Shadows managed to get their hands on us like they did on the Citadel, then anything Shepard could do to free us besides going along with their plan might've gotten us all killed. She'd never risk that. And no one would be able to stand in her way.

"Attack strategy aside," Jacob finally says, "the real question is…what were they going to do with us and with Shepard when they were done?"

That's even worse. We all know what the answer is. There's no way they would've just let us go knowing that, as soon as we were loose, Shepard would take us storming the Citadel to undo the damage. No way would they have risked their "insurgent" toppling their "perfect" regime. Once they were through with their takeover, they would've killed us anyway…and, when they couldn't control her anymore, taken Shepard with us.

"That… _that_ …!" Tali practically growls, searching for an insult.

"Bosh'tet?" I finally bring myself to ask.

"…that's not nearly strong enough."

"…yeah…can't say I thought so myself." Because I didn't.

Killian Orion. Who not only took it upon himself to become ruler of the galaxy but sought to use the love of my life to do so, plotted to use those closest to her to turn her into a slave, and now has given every force at his disposal to ensure that those people he would've used will die suffering. …who used her blood for his own purposes and then tortured the product and is probably still doing so now. There aren't enough insults in every language in the galaxy to add up to that. If I got my hands on him now, I'd…!

…I would…

 _"I'm getting a little worried about you, Garrus. You were pretty hard on Harkin."_

 _"You don't think he deserved it?"_

 _"It's just not like you."_

 _"…what do you want from me, Shepard? What would you do if someone betrayed you?"_

 _"I'm not sure. But I wouldn't let it change me."_

 _"I would've said the same thing before it happened to me."_

 _"It's not too late. You don't have to go through with this."_

 _"Who's going to bring Sidonis to justice if I don't? Nobody else knows what he's done, nobody else cares. I don't see any other options."_

 _"Let me talk to him."_

 _"Talk all you want but it won't change my mind. I don't care what his reasons were! He deserves to die!"_

 _"I understand what you're going through, but do you really wanna kill him?"_

 _"I appreciate your concern…but I'm not you."_

 _"…this isn't you either."_

I couldn't hear it then. I couldn't see it. I didn't care. But I hear it now. I hear the pleading in her voice. When she all but begged me not to go through with my plan, she really meant something else. Something more. "Don't leave me like this, Garrus. I can't lose you. It's killing me to see you this way. I didn't realize it until now…but I love you."

…I can't do it. She fought so hard to keep me from crossing that line. Now I'm planning to try again and worse? She wouldn't want that. If she were here, if she were with me right now…

"Garrus?" Liara is at my side. She must have noticed my distress coming back.

 _Not here, Garrus. Not now._ I sigh, pulling it together. "Every second we spend here is another second they're getting ready for us. We need to keep moving." So without another word, I pull my rifle back out and hit the door, leading the squad into the hall. This hall is the darkest yet. "Stay close," I give the order, keeping my voice low, "Turning your lights on will give us away."

"Well, this ought to be fun," Jack groans.

We sneak down the hall for a while. We don't pass any doors that we can open or anymore of the terminals. It seems that the lower levels are more secure. Which means we must be getting closer to our targets. It doesn't look like any of the Shadows know where we are now (if EDI's hack is still holding, half of them might not even know we're here at all), because we aren't ambushed on this level like the last one. No problems present themselves at all until we hit a fork in the road.

I look around at our three paths. "No way are we splitting up here. EDI?"

"I cannot determine which path is the correct one," EDI answers, "My thermal scans are not even picking up any readings on this level."

Well, her sensors have never steered us wrong before. It could be argued that somehow the Shadows have another jamming signal set up that could interfere with her readings, but our COMMs wouldn't be working if we were close enough for her to be affected. Time to approach this logically. We'll have even less of a chance of getting out of this place alive if we end up getting lost and we'll have more of a chance of getting lost if we start turning down every hall we come across.

"Just keep going straight," I sigh, heading forward once I'm certain they're all following closely behind me, "If there's no one on this level anyway, then we—" Suddenly, I feel something shifting under my foot as it hits the floor. I instantly stop walking and look down. It's too dark for me to tell but I can feel a vibration there, like something's…

Uh oh.

"Why are we stop—?" Ashley starts to ask.

Before she can finish or any of us can move, the structural weakness in the floor I just put pressure on gives way and drops open, sending all 12 of us tumbling through the hole and down into a pile in the room underneath.

I instantly start struggling to get back up. Nothing's broken, I've still got my weapons—looks like I'm fine. "Is everyone alright?"

"We are still in one group and no one is injured," EDI answers from not far away.

"Right," Miranda growls, "Now. Whoever's hand that is, you have _five seconds_ before you lose it!"

"Sorry!" James says.

I shake it off and get back on my feet. This room is the darkest one yet. I can't see two feet in front of me. I quickly start feeling around for a wall. Luckily, it doesn't take long to find one and the one I find is not far from the lighting controls. This time, I throw caution out the window and turn the lights on right away. That gives the others a better chance to recuperate and shows us where we are: the lowest level in the entire facility, the entrance to what was once the mining caverns. I look around and find that we're completely alone and the only way out (besides the obviously-unhelpful way we came in) is a small grouping of elevators that don't even seem active.

There's also one last terminal right next to the lighting controls.

"No one is here," Samara observes, "It appears we missed our quarry entirely."

"We'll have to get the elevators running," I strategize, "Start at the _top_ levels and work our way back down to the way we came in."

"We're on it," Liara says as she heads over with most of the others to try reactivating the elevators. While I turn my attention to the only other object of interest in the area.

I'm not exactly eager to turn on the terminal.

But I still do.

 _"I don't believe this! The Reapers got their hands on the Citadel before we ever got a chance to bring out our master plan. And now Shepard's gone and made that ultimate sacrifice. Stupid heroics… We're not cancelling the plan now. We'll just have to find another way to retrieve our investment. …and this way might just be even better. If we can gather the baseline material from Earth, we can 'revive' her. She already came back from the dead once, so no one should have any trouble seeing a clone as the real deal, especially taking into account the circumstances of her latest demise. The best part? She'll be our perfect soldier permanently and the galaxy will never know the difference. Shouldn't be too hard to find a decent blood sample either, considering only one person ever reached that beam. And she was injured when she got there."_

I just barely resist the urge to shoot the terminal like I shot the console where we found the contract data. The same rage is coming back. _Don't do that to yourself, Garrus. She'd never want that._

"We have to find that guy," Wrex growls, "He needs a good killing!"

"Couldn't have said it better myself, Wrex," I comment as I head over to the elevators. I reach them just as Tali and EDI manage to restore access. "No point in waiting then. Let's get going." The others start into the elevators and set them for the highest floor they can access.

But I still cast one last glance at the terminal before heading out. For some reason, one thing Orion said in that last log sticks out most to me.

 _"The galaxy will never know the difference."_

…I would've known.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

When the elevator doors open, there's already a small group of Shadows halfway down the hall. They have their backs turned to us, so they don't know we're here. _Just like on Ilium._ I signal to the others what to do and start to move in quick and quiet. Once we're close enough, we make our move. Two seconds later, every assassin we caught is down.

Ashley smirks. "That's still fun."

"Glad you think so," I say, "We'll have to keep doing that across the whole floor if we're going to keep from getting mobbed."

Grunt growls, muttering something about sneaking around not befitting a true warrior.

Still, we keep moving, keeping quiet as long as we can. Any assassins we come across are taken out as fast as possible and, if only because of EDI's earlier hack, no alarms sound. This floor seems to go by a lot slower as a result, but it also consists of more halls and separated rooms than the others. It also has the tightest security we've come across so far, though, so at least we know we're on the right track.

We only hit a snag when we reach the first intersection. I check around the corner before we start moving through it so I can ensure we don't get caught. I pull back almost instantly when I see something flashing on the wall. "Surveillance cameras."

"That should not matter as long as communications are disrupted," EDI assures us.

"Whoever's watching the feed will figure out we're here."

"The surveillance systems are almost directly linked to the COMM relays for the entire mine. It is possible they are not even functioning properly."

"And if they are?"

"It will still take a considerable amount of time for them to inform their forces of our presence, by which time we will likely have already reached our target."

Sounds too good to be true. That usually means it is. But the cameras are directly facing the intersection and we don't have enough knowledge of the building's layout to cut across, so we can't go anywhere until we deal with it. I sigh. "Can you hack them?"

"Not directly. I would need access to the main control unit."

"Would it make a difference if we just deactivated them entirely?"

"They are liable to believe that it is a system malfunction they can easily repair. They will still be unaware of our presence."

"Why didn't you just say so?" I pull my rifle back out, line up the shot, and take out the cameras. Hopefully, it was just fast enough that, if they were still working, no one will notice. "Alright, let's move."

A few more surveillance systems are set up along the way, but we handle them just as easily. Still no alarms and no sneak attacks like on the first floor, so it must be working. We keep heading down the halls, searching for any sign of Orion or the clone, but nothing comes up. No more useful consoles or terminals in sight, either. I'm about to consider clearing out and heading down a level when we reach a new problem.

As we approach another intersection, I start to hear voices in the next hall, the left turn from us. I only hear two voices talking, but there could be plenty of others with them. So I place my back against the wall and move carefully towards the intersection as quietly as I can.

"…since they got back from the industrial district," one of the assassins is saying as we enter earshot, "Why'd they drag her in like that, anyway?"

"Didn't you hear?" the other answers as I peer around the corner just long enough to see that there are really five of them (the three silent ones of which are facing our direction, preventing a sneak attack like we've been employing), "Orion had a clear shot at the quarian and she took him down before he could take it."

"What?! I thought they had her on a leash!" While that conversation keeps up, I turn to my right and find James next to me, so I signal to him. He catches on and hands over one of his grenades.

"That's why they're tightening it as we speak. Making everything they've done in the past seem like they've been going easy on her." As they continue talking, I activate the grenade and let it roll over to them. "You should've seen her after the last round, though. First guy who tried to take off the restraints on her leg? She kicked him so hard it looked like his neck was gonna snap."

"Hey, wait… GET—!"

Boom.

I don't bother keeping quiet this time when I peer around the corner. It worked, all five targets down. But the sudden explosion alerted every assassin in the adjacent rooms. Every door in the hall is now being opened to let a crowd of Shadows jump in and take fire on us.

"So much for stealth," Miranda remarks dryly as we ready our weapons.

Samara ducks out just long enough to send a powerful biotic blast at the incoming Shadows. Then Wrex and Grunt take the opportunity to charge in while the rest of us move in and open fire. In no time, it's a firefight like what we've always been used to. So, naturally, with all 12 of us going at it full force, it's a rather short fight.

As soon as the assassins are all down and we're certain there are no more surprises nearby, we're free to discuss what we heard before the fight.

"Did they say what I think they said?" Wrex asks.

"I think they did," Jacob answers.

"That's it then," Tali says, shreds of sadness creeping into her voice, "The clone really is on our side…and they're torturing her for it."

"And she's still fighting 'em back," Jack smirks, "That's my kind of clone."

Still fighting. After everything she's been through, all they put her through… I remember what I saw at the console and what the Shadows said just before we took them out. The fire starts to come back, but I put it out. I can't let myself lose it like that, not over a clone. …so what do I do?

… _what would Shepard do?_

I know the answer. I also know it's what we need to do now. So I turn to the others and lay out the new plan: "Saving the clone just became a top priority. We find it and we set it loose. At best, she becomes an asset against Orion that we can't afford to part with now. Any less…at least we're saving her from these monsters."

"Alright," Liara sighs, "then we need to find her before we can do anything else."

"Well, we can forget about searching this hall entirely," Jack says, " _Real_ torture needs a lot of space—like half this floor, if they're serious about it. None of these rooms are big enough."

That's…disturbingly accurate. I can understand how she, of all of us, would know, but…no. No, I don't wanna think about that.

I sigh. "Guess we'll need to start on the next floor down, then. If the clone's not up here, with security this heavy, Orion might be." I head down to the end of the hall, towards a turn I'm expecting to lead to the nearest stairs or elevators. "We need to find a way to—" Then I actually turn the corner and immediately have to jump back when what can only be a military-grade automatic turret opens fire on me. "…I think I just found those automated defenses EDI was talking about."

"Looks like they're heat-seeking," James observes, "And the firing rate is off the charts! How are we supposed to take those things out without getting turned into Swiss cheese?!"

I don't bother taking the time to question his analogy. I start thinking over an acceptable strategy…like, for example… "The same way we took out the Cerberus turrets!" EDI and Tali are the first to catch on. They immediately jump out across the hall with me, moving just fast enough to avoid taking more than shield damage before making use of the strategy Shepard set up for us at Grissom Academy and never stopped using afterwards:

1) All automated turrets are equipped with high-quality shield modulators, but an overload attack from me will instantly take out the shields entirely and briefly disrupt the targeting mechanisms. 2) The turret itself will be armed with military-grade armor, but all armor is susceptible to incineration attacks like what EDI can set off. 3) Once the armor is weakened, a single well-timed shot at any exposed wires will cause an explosion just strong enough to take out any nearby hostiles; Shepard always covered this with her rifle, but Tali can just as easily handle it with her shotgun. As many times as we employed this tactic during the war, we've all but mastered it.

It still works.

As soon as I hear the explosion go off, I take a second to enjoy our victory before ducking back out of cover. That ends up being premature because the turret's deactivation has apparently signaled every mech on the floor of the evident security breech. "You've gotta be kidding me!" I growl to myself before getting ready for the fight, "TALI!"

"On it!" Tali quickly hacks the nearest mech, setting it firing on the others long enough for the rest of us to jump in and find cover.

Looks like most of them are LOKI mechs, the kind of tech usually found on Omega. Shepard openly ranted about how much she hated those things. It's certainly justified—they can compact themselves enough to seemingly come out of nowhere, they start firing the second they target you and don't stop until they're disabled, and they run in great enough numbers with strong enough plating to employ flanking techniques that no organic in their right mind would try on armed hostiles. Thankfully, Tali is able to hack a few more whenever we need the distraction to line up our shots and the mechs are more than susceptible to biotics. The mechs might wear us down, but we still take them all out without taking any damage that can't be easily repaired.

I lean against the wall to catch my breath as half of the others do much the same. After a moment, I notice one of the mechs still moving only for Wrex to take it out with one shot. "OK, we must be getting close to something very important for them to throw so many defenses this way. We should be able to find the clone—or at least a way to her—nearby as long as—"

Suddenly, the intercom sparks to life with a screech of static. When the static clears, the voice of none other than Killian Orion sounds over it: _"Attention! Our communications were hacked but power has been restored. Someone has disabled security on the top floor. Take them out NOW!"_

"…crap."

Figures that it's two seconds later every assassin on this level is swarming us. We fight them off as best we can and head for the end of the hall, taking out some of our attackers along the way. Once we actually reach the end, Jack fires a shockwave behind us that clears the hall. While we have the chance, we keep moving. We duck down a turn and towards the back of the level, the most likely place to have a way down to the next level. Instead, we reach a dead end.

The wall we almost run into is half-composed of windows that show what should've been the back of this level. We can see what looks like a testing chamber that takes up half of the floor below us and expands up to this open area equipped with catwalks leading to access to the mine shaft, which is blocked off from the room itself by similar windows also making up the whole of that wall. The room must have been something like a refinery when the mine was active. Now…

…wait a minute…

"We are closed off and will soon be surrounded," Samara observes, "We need to find an alternate path."

I look around for a moment, try to figure out which way to go. It doesn't take long to find one. "I've got an idea. Follow me!" I rush off to the side and head for a back hallway, one we didn't have access to before reaching this area, what must be an observation deck. I duck through the hall and start looking for a security door. Naturally, it doesn't take long for the Shadows to catch up with us. Actually, a large contingent of them has been waiting in this hall the whole time.

"Garrus?!" Ashley snaps even as she starts us at shooting down the assassins coming towards us, "Do you think you could find us a way out that _doesn't_ involve sending us right into an enemy squadron?!"

"Just keep pushing ahead before the rest of them come up behind us!" I snap back as we take them out. Once it's clear enough to get moving again, I head forward, the others following just behind me. In a couple minutes, I finally locate the security door and hit it. Unfortunately, it's already been locked down. "EDI! See if you can get this door open!"

EDI quickly rushes over and starts to hack through the lock, leaving me to help the others cover her. It takes all of ten seconds for her to get the door open. "There is an active security console inside," she observes as we duck in with her, "There is also an elevator, but it is currently inoperable."

"See if you can get it working," I instruct as I holster my gun, "I'll take the console. The rest of you, cover us!"

"That's not what we've been doing this whole time?!" Wrex sneers.

I ignore him and activate the console. I can't hack through as fast as EDI can, but I still manage to access the data. I call up a layout of the building as soon as I figure out that I can access one. It confirms my suspicions. The elevator EDI is reactivating will lead directly to the floor below us, most of which is taken up by the chamber we saw through the observation deck windows.

A chamber marked "Insurgency Initiative."

That's where the clone is. If we can get down there, we can head into the chamber easily—it's just down the hall from the elevator. Any Shadows assigned to guarding it will likely be looking for us or guarding Orion, so we shouldn't have too much opposition. Best of all, I can override access from here and get us in right away.

"I've got it!" EDI suddenly declares.

"Good," I answer, "because so do I. Everyone into the elevator!" I duck in with EDI, the others following shortly after as they continue holding off the waves of Shadows coming at us. As soon as we're clear, I activate the lift controls and take us down.

Less than a minute later, the doors open again and let us come out on the next floor down. Ten of the assassins are waiting down the hall, but we manage to take them out fairly quickly.

"Come on," I say as I head for the door the Shadows were in front of, the only one on that side of this whole hall, "The clone should be in here." I hit the door. Access really has been overridden, because it opens without any trouble.

The trouble, of course, comes after the door is open. A group of assassins are waiting inside the chamber and quickly take notice of who opened the door that was supposed to be locked. Luckily, they're surprised enough by the sudden intrusion that they take a moment too long to get ready for a fight, a moment in which we end the fight before it ever starts. Once they're down, we search the area. The chamber itself is entirely clear of hostiles and the door closed behind us, so we're safe for the moment. And at the center of this forward half of the chamber is our target.

There she is. The clone of the woman I once knew. She's strapped down. Because they're afraid of what she'd do if she wasn't.

We can use that.

I take her side and start undoing the restraints, Liara following my example as the others keep watch for any incoming assassins. I see her stir, turning to look up at me weakly. "Don't worry," I say as I free her left hand, "we're going to get you out of here. We just have to—"

She cuts me off by saying the first word she's ever said in all the time we've been on this mission. And it's the last word I would ever have expected…

"…Garrus?"

The world freezes. It must have. None of us move.

…how could she know who I am? Clones don't share their antecedent's memories, she shouldn't be able to recognize me. Yes, she should know who her targets on this whole venture have been and she could've been taught our names, but…but the way she said it has a certain…not just familiarity but… _need_. She couldn't fake that, not like this. How…?

…unless…

… _no_ …

It can't be her. It can't be true. This can't be real.

But it must be true. What she does next proves it. Her freed left hand reaches up to touch my scars. I know how that feels. Nothing else could feel so right. I see her eyes light up as she, too, realizes that this isn't a dream. Now I know without a doubt. "…Garrus…" she says my name again and I know both of our hearts jump as we see the truth.

"…Sara?"


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

Several moments pass in silence as all of us turn to look at her in shock. We're all thinking the same thing. _This can't be real. It can't be her. She can't be alive._

But she is. She's here. I know it. I can't believe it either. But I know. I know because only the real Sara Shepard could have this effect on me. Only my Shepard could look in my eyes and make me forget about the entire galaxy for just one moment. Only my _kalwen_ could make my heart beat 100 times harder the second she so much as touched my scars. Having her hand against them for the first time in what feels like a lifetime has my heart pounding so hard I'm surprised it's not bursting.

Like it usually does around her, emotion takes over my actions. Slowly, my hand reaches up to my scars and my fingers wrap around hers. As soon as our hands touch, she pulls hers away from my face and turns it to mine. I briefly look away from her eyes to see our hands pressed together and end up watching as she shifts hers' position to match mine's, placing five fingers to perfectly meet three. I respond by rotating mine just enough to the left to take hold of her hand entirely, a gesture she gladly reciprocates. When I turn my gaze back to her eyes, I find that hers is locked on our intertwined hands and won't look away.

EDI, unsurprisingly, is the one who finally ends up speaking first. "Shepard?"

She nods. "Yeah. It's me."

"Are you alright?"

She finally brings herself to stand. "…I'm fine." Then she actually tries to get on her feet and almost falls over. I'm right there beside her, so I catch her. "…at least, I…I will be." She looks down at the hands against her waist and lets her eyes follow them. That leads her to me again. She smiles at the sight of me holding her here. It's the first time I've seen her smile in 13 months. I missed that more than anything. "…better than I would've been five minutes ago…"

"Wow," Ashley smirks, "And I thought it was cats that had nine lives."

She lets off a small laugh for her friend. "Yeah, let's not test that theory." She pulls herself together enough to stand up straight. As soon as she's back on her feet again, she turns away from my hold on her to face me. "What's the matter, Vakarian, seen a ghost?"

I can't keep myself from giving her a small laugh in response. "I'm thinking I have."

"Missed me that much, did you?"

"You have no idea." Then a thought occurs to me and I smirk. "You've got a nasty habit of dying and coming back to me on Omega, huh?"

Shepard just gives me a look. "Guess I'm attracted to danger. I thought that was one of the things you loved about me."

"Oh, just as much as you like men with scars."

"Come on!" James snaps, "How do we know it's really her? They could've trained a clone to recognize us or—"

"That's easily resolved," I say as I approach the woman I believe to be Sara Shepard, "Tell us something only the real Shepard would know."

She simply smirks at us. "James calls me 'Lola' because I remind him of his best friend's older sister, Liara is not only the Shadow Broker but also one-quarter krogan, Ashley is fluent in poetry, Grunt has a thing for noodles…" She then turns to me, smiling so brightly at the sight of me that her eyes seem to light up—the thought of it makes my heart leap. "…and the code to the booby traps you planted in my apartment during the party is 'I HEART GARRUS.'"

Hearing that confirms it. …she's really alive. After going so long believing I'd lost her forever, living my life weighted down by her memory, this…this is beyond "too good to be true." Every emotion that's been flooding through my mind for the past month is overcome with more happiness and exhilaration than I thought I could ever feel. I almost don't notice when she reaches over and takes my hand again. Although I somehow still respond to it, clutching hers tightly as well. Nothing in the galaxy could make me let go this time.

"I'm still not buying it!" Wrex steps in, "It's gonna take more than some—"

Suddenly, three more Black Shadows jump in through the main door. In two seconds, Shepard has snatched my assault rifle and shot all of them down.

Wrex blinks at this. "…OK. That's her."

"How is this possible?" Miranda finally asks what we're all thinking but don't want to say.

Shepard sighs, handing me my gun back. "When I went up to the Crucible, I was able to turn it on. The Catalyst allowed me to send out my consciousness to the Reapers and force them to break the extinction cycle. After they fixed the most severe damage the Crucible caused and retreated back to dark space for good, the Black Shadows managed to find my remains and piece them back together. Then they used a Husk they captured to recover my mind—had an asari transfer it like the Cipher. …it didn't go so well at first."

"You were weak and they wanted to use you," I realize as I remember what we saw at the console and heard at the terminals, "They were trying to use the Reaper technology for indoctrination. But what was left of your mind was interfering and we had to be eliminated to stop it. So when they tried to kill us, they sent you to do it."

"They thought it would cause a reaction that would suppress my old memories. But you didn't exactly go down as easily as they hoped. And the more time I spent around you, the more my memories started coming back. When the fight reached the Citadel, I woke up."

"Alright," Ashley says, "then there's just one thing I don't get in all this." She waits until Shepard is fully focused on her to voice her concern: "…when did you learn how to use a bow and arrow?"

"Oh." Shepard smirks. "When I was six, back on Earth. Scavenger gang I was running with at the time had to use some old-fashioned weapons to get by, my thing was archery. I'll be honest, it actually felt kind of good to bring that back after 25 years."

Ashley blinks at her. "Isn't there _anything_ you _can't_ do?!"

"She can't dance," Jack remarks. We all voice agreement to that, even Shepard herself.

I just think this over. Everything makes sense now. Her brain waves were off not because she was really a clone but because of the Crucible's effect. She couldn't get to us on Korlus because we actually had the advantage, but she didn't finish us off on Ilium because she was starting to wake up and she knew better. And the moment I fell out the window on the Citadel must have been when she really came back. That's why she used the gas arrow—it kept me from following her and getting myself shot down _and_ it slowed down my heart rate to keep the poison at bay long enough for Tali to come to my rescue. Everything after that was her stringing the Shadows along, until Orion tried to get to Tali and she had to try her hand at taking out the leader. Then this happened.

Now she's back where she belongs.

I smirk again and return to the conversation at hand. "I don't know, experience leads me to believe otherwise."

She catches on and smirks back. "Are you offering to try that 'first date' again?"

Before we can carry this any further, though, the alarms go off full blast. Looks like the rest of the Shadows just found out where we are.

I quickly ready my weapon. "Let's just focus on getting out of here alive first."

"Contact!" Jacob suddenly calls as he starts firing at the door. Shadows are coming through it, as well as through the two side entrances.

But while the others start taking down the oncoming assassins from the front, I'm turned in just the right way to see the ones trying to flank us. "Watch out for the catwalks!" I warn the others even as I start sniping down the Shadows with the high ground, "They're dropping in from the vents again!"

"I see them!" Ashley says as she rushes over to give me a hand.

While Ash handles the last of that wave, I turn my attention to something far more important. "Shepard! Get behind—" Then I actually turn to look at her and find that she's not where I left her. " _Sara_!"

"Behind you!" Tali suddenly calls my way.

I don't have time to react other than turning to face the oncoming threat. The Shadow behind me is getting ready to strike.

Suddenly, an arrow flies into the assassin's chest. They stumble back, twist in pain, and finally hit the floor. I follow the arrow's trajectory and find Shepard standing across the way, holding the bow again. After all these times I've seen her taking aim on me, it's a strange sight to see her actually save my life with it. Even better is the way she smiles at me when I look in her direction. Guess I really do like this side of her.

Grunt then takes out the last assassin to come out at us. "There'll be more."

"No kidding," Shepard comments dryly as she retrieves a quiver of arrows and straps it on, "Keep your guard up, don't give them any room to maneuver."

I recognize this. She's getting ready for a fight. "Whoa, wait a minute!" I move to grab her by the arm before she can go anywhere. "You're not exactly 100% right now."

"Yeah, well, that didn't stop you, did it?"

She's right. But I don't care. "…I'm not losing you again."

The already-sullen look in her eyes softens at those words. Of course, she understands. She always does. She looks down at her arm and places her hand over mine. "I'm not going anywhere this time." Her voice is steady, the same determination inside it that I've always heard. That would convince me in itself if not for the way she looks at me. I can see it in her eyes that she's not convinced herself.

She's… _afraid_?

"Shepard," EDI suddenly speaks up from a nearby console, "I believe I can gain access to their major systems again, but they are actively blocking me from entering their network."

"Hang on," Shepard sighs as she steps over, "I think I know how to crack this."

I watch her walk away, my hand still in place to take hold of hers again. I listen distantly to the others talking, thinking over what I just learned. Commander Shepard _afraid_? Is she really that worried she'll die again? …no, that…that's not it. She's never been afraid of dying. …but she's always been afraid of losing the people she cares about. Clearly, this all has been as hard on her as it has on me.

So where does that leave us? How are we supposed to—

"Shepard…" EDI suddenly says, "…that's Reaper code." That's enough to shock us all into silence.

But Shepard is the one most affected. "…yeah…it is." Still, she brings herself to finish typing it in and send the command through. At least it works. "Alright, try it now."

EDI gives her one last glance before approaching the console again.

Shepard just steps off to the side, no longer willing to look at any of us.

Reaper code?! How does she…? Is it because of what happened with the Crucible? Did some knowledge of the Reapers' technology come back with her? What other explanation is there?

I sigh. _No. Leave it alone. It's pretty obvious this is hurting her._ For a moment, I notice Miranda getting ready to ask the same questions I'm thinking—what we're all thinking, I'd wager. But I stop her. Things are bad enough for all of us as is without putting my Shepard in that kind of emotional distress. So I push curiosity aside and turn back to EDI. "What have you got for us now?"

"I can temporarily disrupt their communications again," EDI explains, "I can also remotely bypass the IFF systems for the automated defenses and close down any active security doors. All the damage will have to be undone manually. If nothing else, it will considerably slow them down."

"Do it," Shepard speaks up. Only once EDI is doing so does she turn to face us again. "And while they're disorganized, I say we take this chance to track down Orion. If we can finish him, it's all over."

"What about the rest of the Shadows?" I ask her.

"Once Orion's gone, there's no reason to keep up the contract on the rest of you. As long as we clear out fast enough, they shouldn't be a problem anymore."

"Alright, but we can't run in blind. For starters, where is he?"

"Somewhere on this level, near the front of the mine. He's probably holed up there with at least two dozen Shadows."

"We've killed worse," Ashley comments.

Shepard smirks again. "Guess we have." With a brief sigh, she pulls her bow back out. "Let's get going before—" Then she freezes. "…do you guys hear that?"

"Hear what?" James questions.

"I do," EDI answers, "There is a faint signal coming from the other side of the wall on our right."

Curiously, I step over to check. The moment my ear is against the wall, I hear the "signal." A distant beep in the hall outside the chamber. Unlike the others, I actually recognize it. It's the same sound you hear from a…

…turian demolition charge.

"GET BACK!" I rush off to the side, away from the wall. I make it just out of the blast range right before it detonates. The force of the explosion, though, throws all of us off our feet, which sends us scrambling for cover when the gunfire starts.

Ashley ends up crouched behind an overturned desk with me and Shepard. "How many of these guys can there possibly be?!"

"Practically an army's worth," Shepard answers, "Way too many to take on all at once."

"Says the woman who took down a thresher maw on foot," I remark.

"Well, you and Grunt helped."

Then Ash looks up and finds that we can see the observation deck from here. "Watch out!" she calls, readying her rifle right as another wave of Shadows breaks through the observation windows, "Enemies above us!"

"I see 'em!" Shepard then pulls out three arrows and fires all of them up at the Shadows at once. Each one hits one of the incoming assassins, causing them to fall to the floor.

Ashley gives her a look. "Showoff."

Shepard just smirks. I missed that.

In no time, we're back to our old ways, ducking in and out of cover (which, thankfully, there's no lack of) and shooting down anything that moves. Once again, the methods we developed in the old days start becoming useful again. And this time, when I try to use a technique I developed with Shepard, it works. That sends a feeling rushing through me that I can't even understand. I was always able to fight, but now my will to fight is back. Because she's here with me again. This, all of us together in the fight, must be the best moment of my life.

Well, it will be if we survive, at least.

After ducking out of cover again, Shepard is back-to-back with me, shooting down the Shadows with her bow before they get halfway close to us. "You have no idea how happy I am to have you back!"

" _Me_?!" I counter even as I snipe down the incoming assassins, "You're the one that died! TWICE!"

"And both times…you saved my life."

"I'm thinking this time _you_ saved _me_." When the waves of hostiles reach a brief intermission, I turn to meet her eyes again. "I couldn't last long without my _kalwen_."

She just blinks at me. "I'm your what?"

Before I can think up some excuse not to, I pull her in to kiss her. She instantly responds in kind, and I change my earlier thought entirely— _this_ is the best moment of my life. This feeling I've been sorely deprived of for way too long overtakes me, strong enough to make me forget the fight around us and believe my heart hasn't been beating until now. When I do pull away, I stay as close to her as I can. "I'll explain later."

She smiles…then she points her bow around me and shoots.

I jump back and follow her aim. I see a Black Shadow dropping down ten feet behind me. I look at Shepard again.

She just shrugs. "Duck."

I answer that by aiming my gun around her and shooting down a Shadow five meters behind her. "I told you, turians don't know how!"

"Careful with the trick shots!" Even as she says so, she moves past me to jump at a Shadow that was drawing too close then tosses an arrow at the next one without even bothering to use her bow. "Guns aren't as maneuverable."

"I don't know," I comment offhandedly, returning to sniper duty at the same time, "I've seen you pull off some pretty fantastic shots with yours. Of course, you're a bit more… _flexible_."

"Is now really the time for sideways flirting?!"

"I'm easing the tension!"

"You're throwing me off!"

"I'm that distracting to you?"

" _Garrus_! Seriously!"

It takes a lot of restraint not to start laughing. Luckily, I can simply shift my focus entirely to the fight at hand. There's certainly no shortage of targets. And as I persistently take them out, I catch sight of the fight carrying on for the others as well. Maybe it's me, but it seems like they're fighting even harder now, too. …no, it's not just me. We all feel the effects of having our commander back. And we all will do whatever it takes to ensure she gets out of this one alive.

It seems like the Shadows are pulling all the stops, throwing all they have at us. Makes sense considering some of the odds we've faced before. Just ask the Collectors what we're capable of. So, naturally, we're still utterly destroying them. After a few moments, I take advantage of the absolute chaos and back my way into a corner, ducking behind another desk, out of sight, and proceeding to snipe down dozens of the assassins who now don't know where I am. Half of the others could use the firing support, so this tactic goes extremely well for all involved (well, except the assassins, obviously). It also gives me a chance to scope out the area freely and make sure there are no oncoming threats we would otherwise be unaware of. It's not too long before I find one.

Shepard is off to the side, out of the way of the center of the mayhem. That gives her some much-needed free movement and the perfect position to shoot down any Shadows coming too close. The ones that do get close enough to her to cause some damage don't last long. But, obviously, they're no longer concerned with taking her alive, because the numbers they throw at her outmatch even Wrex's and Grunt's opponents, which insinuates an intent to kill rather than incapacitate. Guess they figure their means of controlling her are beyond recovery now. That could be a good thing if it wasn't for one major setback.

A few too many assassins are breaking past her defense line. And Shepard just ran out of arrows.

I instantly see the problem. She can last solely on melee fighting for a while, but not if they keep throwing so much at her at once. If she had one of her guns, she could get back in as strong as ever, but no gunmen are getting close enough to her for her to apprehend their weapons and no one on our side close enough to assist her is in any position to. Frantically, I start looking around for some way to help her through the rest of the fight. Then I see that one of the other Shadows, one Jack just took out, is carrying another bow and a quiver full of arrows. I rush over to the fallen assassin, taking out three of the Shadows along the way. But the moment I reach it, I see another one of the archers on a catwalk overhead, some distance from where Shepard is fighting off swordsmen, aiming right at her. "Shepard!" I call to her right as she takes down the Shadow she's been fighting off.

Shepard turns just in time to see the archer fire. She waits for the arrow to reach her, then, just like on Ilium, she jumps around, snatches it from midair, and fires it back at her attacker, taking him out.

I smirk to myself. "That's my girl." The fight is dying down, but there's more coming. _There's always more._ I quickly retrieve the quiver from the fallen archer and rush over to Shepard to hand it to her. "Hurry. We don't have much time before they send in reinforcements."

"Well, we usually do our best work when it comes down to the wire, now don't we?" she smirks as she takes the arrows from the quiver and puts them in her own, tossing the now-empty one aside.

"Please tell me we're at least wearing them down," Tali sighs.

"Yeah, but our chances of making a break for it just dropped dramatically. No matter what happens now, we'll still end up having to fight our way out. At least, if we stay in here, they have to come to us."

"That also makes us sitting ducks when Orion joins the fight," Miranda points out.

"Bah!" Wrex growls, "We can take that pyjak!"

"Yeah, but we shouldn't underestimate him, either," Shepard points out, "His biotics are strong enough, but he more than tops that in skill. He can match us in every other way and these assassins are disgustingly loyal to him. Makes me wonder what their initiation usually entails."

Something in her voice sounds…edgy. I don't have time to worry about why, but I've never lacked time to actually worry about her. "Are you OK?"

"I'm fine. …I just _really_ hate that guy."

Almost immediately after she says so, we hear the next wave approaching.

Shepard quickly readies her bow. "Get ready."

Ashley sighs as the rest of us ready our weapons as well. "As many times as I've heard you say that, I might as well start sleeping with my rifle."

"You don't all do that?" James remarks.

"I do not require sleep," EDI casually answers.

"…that was a joke."

Shepard shakes her head at the exchange. "I missed you guys." Then she releases the arrow at the opening the Shadows have been pouring through, causing an explosion in the hall that must take out at least five of their forward men.

"Wait until we get back to the ship," Jacob adds, "Joker's gonna have a heart attack."

"Ha!" Jack smirks, "I'd pay to see that!" She then fires off a shockwave at the entering Shadows and ducks for cover, most of us following her example.

The fight breaks out full swing again. Wrex and Grunt start charging in and the familiar cacophony of bullets flying, biotics blasting, and tech attacks going off fills the chamber, now joined by the sound of arrows being launched. It's strangely comforting. Not that strange, though, I guess. It's the sound of us working as a family, doing what we do best. No one's breaking that now.

By the time I've gotten back to Shepard, I notice the Shadows' numbers thinning. "Looks like we're breaking their ranks."

"I'll say," Shepard responds even as she looses an arrow, "Maybe, when this wave is down, we'll get our chance to clear out after all."

No such luck. Almost immediately after she's said so, a warp field hits Liara's barrier, throwing her back and exposing her to the gunfire and arrows surrounding us. As Samara moves to cover her, I take the chance to turn and see where the attack came from. I end up finding the origin at the hole in the wall the Shadows have been entering through.

Orion is standing there, preparing to strike again.

Shepard groans. "Never mind."

There are only about 20 Shadows left standing at this point, but there are probably more on their way (if there are, though, it's most likely the last of all of them if Orion is already here). That means Orion's entrance is distracting enough for the squad to toss the assassins aside and concentrate entirely on him. Wrex and Grunt, of course, are the ones who move first, charging in like usual. Just when they get close enough, though, he ducks out of the way, causing them to run into each other. By the time they recover, the last Shadows standing are swarming them.

James jumps in before Orion can get back on his feet, also attempting to try a straightforward approach. It proves even less successful for him when Orion counters his hit and throws him back. Naturally, Jack is the one to run in next and the result is nothing short of a biotic deadlock. While both of them are grappling with all their strength to overpower the other, I try setting off a few shots at him, but the dark energy pulsing between them has erected a barrier. Samara quickly attempts to override this with a warp field of her own. She succeeds in throwing off the stalemate entirely and Jack immediately attempts to finish Orion as a result, but he moves before anyone else can and throws Samara right into her. Wrex and Grunt are still pinned down and the rest of the Shadows are rapidly arriving to cover the three their leader just subdued.

It doesn't take a master strategist to see what he's doing: he's pushing us aside in small groups and throwing every assassin he has left at each of us in turn. He's "dividing and conquering" to give himself a clear shot. Three guesses at who.

Shepard must notice, too, because we both end up sending the signal to rush him all at once. There are eight of us still in position to handle the fight with the assassins' commander. That should be just enough to end this for good. Of course, it's not. The second he notices us switching tactics, he sends out another wave of dark energy like the one at the industrial district. This strikes all eight of us head on and throws us back to the floor with immense force. By the time I pull myself together to check on our progress, I find that he's already thrown Jacob back to the fray and is currently in the process of doing the same with Miranda. Just as he counters her attempted biotic attack and throws her off to the side for the Shadows to flock to, Shepard jumps up and tries to move in for the kill. Only for Orion to send a powerful biotic blast her way that throws her back into the wall. _Hard_.

"SHEPARD!" I call, ready to rush to her side again. She notices first and waves me off. I know that signal. She's telling me to forget about her and finish this. Of all the orders I ever got from her, that's always been the hardest for me to take. But I've never failed to follow it. So I follow it now. At least if I keep up the pressure on him, we'll be distracting him too much for him to get a clear shot at her.

While she pulls herself together and checks for damage ( _Spirits, don't let there be any, I can't take that now._ ), I get back on my feet and turn to the fight. EDI, Tali, Liara, Ash, and I are the only ones still moving against him—everyone else is injured or getting flooded by assassins. I start firing on him. His barrier catches all the bullets before they reach him, but they manage to distract him just enough for EDI to get in close. She moves for a kill shot, arming a tech attack as a fallback. But he reacts faster than should be possible and sends her flying across the room.

Liara instantly takes this chance to warp his barrier. She succeeds in taking it down, but he recovers with remarkable speed _again_ , resulting in a match between the two similar to what he pulled with Jack. Doesn't this guy ever need to cool down?! Once again, I try firing at Orion while I can. There's still a barrier from the mass effect fields, but this one isn't as strong as the one from his stalemate with Jack. This time, it causes enough of a reaction to break his concentration and give Liara the chance to throw him back. "Quick!" she calls to the three of us, "While he's down!" Tali, Ash, and I don't hesitate to all fire on him at once. Unfortunately, he moves just fast enough to deflect all three shots and then grab Liara biotically and pull her over. When she breaks free and fires back, she's already on the floor across the room.

Liara's frantic attack might not be enough to do real damage, but it throws Orion right into Ashley's line of fire. She quickly starts firing nonstop. That method works until his barrier goes down again. Then her trigger clicks. The time it takes for her to switch thermal clips or Tali and I to come to her aid is enough time for Orion to push her aside. As the Shadows move in on the Alliance soldier, Tali calls up her drone while I'm lining up my own shot at him. His barrier is still down for the moment, so the drone actually does some damage, at least by way of stunning him long enough for me to prepare to fire. But then, just as I shoot, he ducks down and rolls aside. The bullet I sent at him instead hits Tali's drone enough to set off the explosive discharge. I'm out of its range and Orion moved before it went off, but Tali is just close enough for the concussive force of the explosion itself to throw her back.

It's just me and him now. It's pretty clear now that speed is everything. So I don't even bother trying to line up another shot from here while he's getting back on his feet. I just holster my rifle and rush over to try doing this up close. The moves I learned years ago in the turian military start coming back to me right when I need them most. He's about as skilled in this as with his biotics, but I can still keep him occupied enough to keep him from trying his tactic on me. Finally, I manage to hit him hard enough that he stumbles back. I quickly move to grab my gun back and end this before he pulls his barrier back up. Instead, he blindsides me. In one sharp hit, I fall to the floor again. I recover a lot faster this time. But by the time I'm even facing him, he's already preparing for a fatal biotic attack—

Before he can implement it, a certain redheaded archer jumps at him from the side, throwing them both to the ground. After a brief struggle, she manages to punch him so hard that watching it makes me cringe. He responds by throwing her off. But when he starts to get back on his feet instead of counterattack, she starts back in with more ferocity than I've seen her employ on anyone else before. Almost gives me a decent mental image of how Miranda said she tore up the Blue Suns' gunship. And human bones don't bend like metal does. In fact, she seems to be thinking the same thing, because she moves to take hold of his arm and twist.

Before she can, he kicks his leg against hers, throwing her off-balance enough for him to flip the hold. He's in the perfect position to take her down and no one else can help her but me. Instinct takes over and I wind up pulling a move that anyone else in existence would call absolutely insane: I load a concussive shot into my gun, jump my target from behind, and fire at the floor between the three of us. Shepard is thrown back to the center of the chamber and hits the floor, and Orion and I both go tumbling through one of the windows into the mine shaft, landing harshly on a metal catwalk.

I groan as I pull myself together. _I knew I was gonna regret that._ Still, nothing's broken. All the pain seems to be from the impact, I'm probably not even injured. And Shepard is safe. She must be—the Shadows piling into the room after Tali were fewer than all the previous units had been, so that must have been all they had left, and now Orion is out of the way. Yeah, Sara is safe. So the pain is worth it. At least it's calming down relatively quickly. I'm still a bit too weak to just jump back in, though.

Orion, on the other hand, simply pulls himself back to his feet as effortlessly as he recalled his barrier. And he's laughing. "Wow. When they told me you and Shepard had a thing for each other, I thought they were messing with me." That much is enough to make me clench my fists as if to strike again. But it's not enough for him… "Huh. And just think. All this time you've been mourning her, overseeing military operations during a peace that she gave her life to maintain, she's been right here…looking for you without knowing why, fighting for her life and her sanity, and crying so hard her throat bled."

As those words break through my mind, I see the truth behind them. I remember every violent action I saw at the security console, all the "operations" they performed on their "insurgent" while she was _fully conscious_ because they couldn't care less if she suffered as long as she stayed their perfect soldier. I was furious enough at the thought of them waking a clone of my _kalwen_ too early in the formative stages and then making her suffer through all that. But they didn't even do that. They just gave no cares to how much she suffered when they pieced together what they found of her body. They tortured her for months and now for the hours it took to get from that industrial district to this moment. And they didn't do it to a clone!

THEY DID IT TO _HER_!

Orion must notice every muscle in my body tensing with unmatched, indescribable fury when I turn my eyes up to glare at him with a fire beyond compare. Because he starts _laughing_ again. "Gotta hand it to your girlfriend, Vakarian…she sure knows how to scream."

My senses cloud from the rage, my vision all but burning as my blood starts to boil and my ears ringing with the livid pounding of my heart. Next thing I know, I've jumped him and sent us both falling down to the mining caverns. I feel us both hit the rocky walls a few times before we reach the ground. This fall is longer and harder than the first, and I drop my weapons this time. But I barely notice and I certainly don't care. I'm still not injured. And all I care about is getting my hands on this "pyjak" and tearing him apart. I don't need a gun to do that.

Right as he starts to get back on his feet again, I rush him and pin him to the wall. Before he can make a move, I hit him with all the strength I have (which, in my rage, puts even the strike Shepard threw him earlier to shame). While he's reeling from the contact, I move to do it again. I don't get the chance before he frees his movements just enough to catch me by the arm and jab his knee into my gut. The impact isn't strong enough to do any significant damage, but it forces me back from my hold on him and gives him the chance to strike back. As soon as I see the attack coming, I roll out of the way. He quickly notices that he missed and starts to prepare another biotic strike. I never give him the chance to let it off. I arm a proximity mine and toss it right to him. It hits the ground two feet in front of him and goes off with enough force to throw him back into the wall.

While he recovers, I repeat the tactic. This time, he catches the mine in a biotic field first and throws it at the wall across from him, hard enough to make it go off on its own. By then, though, I've gotten close enough to him to hit him again. After this strike throws him back, I grab hold of his arm and try my hand at the move Shepard never got the chance to finish. Of course, I don't get the chance to finish either since he uses my hold on him to counter my attack, kicking up against the wall to get into position and then sending the kick at me. The brutal contact forces me to drop him and hit the floor. I shake it off and turn myself over. Just in time, too, because he's getting ready to try that fatal biotic strike one last time. I quickly move enough to the side to jump back to my feet and knock him forward hard enough to cancel out his attack before he can discharge it.

I have to finish this while I can. Clearly, I can't overpower him. But he still has limits…and he is a human male. One sharp kick between the legs and he'll be down for at least five minutes. More than enough time to end this. I move to do so—

He catches me by the foot before I can and throws me back. Right as I start to recover, he throws down a biotic field around me that forces me to the floor. By the time I recover from _that_ , he's already in position to do it again. No getting out of this one.

I growl at him. "You psychopathic sadist! _I'll_ —!"

He just scoffs at me. "You'll what? Kill me? Oh, or torture me?" He laughs briefly as he comes closer to me. "Do to me what I did to her? That would certainly be poetic justice, wouldn't it, _Archangel_?" He's close enough that I can take him down if I move fast. All I have to do is grab him by the leg and pull. But before I can, he presses his foot down on my left hand, too much pressure for me to move it. I try to fight him off otherwise only for him to throw me down biotically again. "You really care about her, don't you? I guess that means she cares about you, too. Which implies that you're the one who woke her up and ruined my whole plan." Once he's said so, he pushes down on my hand, causing every nerve in it to flare with pain.

I feel the need to cry out but I force it back. No way am I giving in that easily. _Is this what it was like for her? Fighting the pain, barely able to move? …he has to pay for that!_

He sighs. "Oh, well. Probably for the best. We both know no clone could ever match her. And her heart just wasn't in it when the memories were blocked. She _needs_ to be herself for this plan to really work. So I guess that brings us back to the original strategy."

I remember what we heard at the second terminal, how he intended to use anyone close to Shepard against her. _No! NO! I_ won't _let it happen!_ Ignoring the possible damage it'll incur, I start fighting to pry my hand out from under his boot. Unsuccessfully.

"So you know what I'm talking about, do you? Then you know it's gonna work now. Because if she cares about you at all, she will do anything to make sure _this_ …" As he says so, he presses down again. This time, I feel bones cracking and, though I still somehow manage to avoid crying out, can't stop from cringing in agony. He smirks at the sight. "…doesn't happen again."

"She'll also make you pay for it," I growl, knowing full well how true that is.

He sighs. "Yeah. She will try, won't she? Guess we'll just have to make sure she doesn't get that far." Suddenly, the sound of a bow firing echoes through the cavern. He quickly turns to face it, firing off a biotic field that sends the arrow rolling to the cavern floor. I follow his gaze and see Shepard coming out of the elevators. "The thing about going from a gun to a bow? Arrows are a lot slower."

Shepard just glares at him fiercely, drawing her bow again. "Try anything and it won't make a difference."

"Ha! Never thought I'd hear such empty threats from the great Commander Shepard. Guess that's just what love does to people. I've seen you and your 'friends' pull off the impossible countless times. And, of course, I personally watched you survive what no other living creature could and come out almost completely unaffected. Just a few scars and a severe hatred of me, huh? But this?" He casts a sideways glance down to me, prepared to throw me down again if I try to fight my way out now. "Throw in a certain turian and everything changes."

With every word, the fire raging in her eyes grows stronger. Do what you want with Shepard herself and she'll kill you. But if you mess with someone she actually cares about, she'll go out of her way to do a lot worse. There's not a doubt in my mind that she's thinking the same thing now that I was thinking back on the catwalk. "Let. Him. Go!"

He just looks at her for a moment, as if deciding the best course of action. "…alright." He steps off…pressing down on my hand as hard as he can before he does.

If it wasn't broken before, it is now. I can't fight off the cry of pain that emerges this time.

But while I can deal with the pain, she can't stand to think I'd be facing it. For a second, she turns all her attention to me, searching for some way she can help. When she sees that I can deal with it, though, all that attention she just threw my way goes back to Orion, prepared to pull every cell in his body apart. She starts by returning to aiming the arrow she already has ready to fire and doesn't give a second thought before letting it fly.

Then he surprises us both and grabs it in midair six inches from its mark. "Nice aim, though." He fires up a brief burst of biotic strength, crushing the arrow in his hand. "Too bad it's wasted on _you_."

Oh, he shouldn't have said that.

While I crawl back and out of range, cradling my injured hand, she charges in like a krogan and jumps at him. He's fully expecting her to repeat tactics and outright knock him over like in the central chamber. So he's caught by surprise when she instead flips into the air and kicks him viciously on the way down. He recoils so hard from the aggressive attack that he almost hits the floor. He actually does when she follows with a violent punch to the face. Once he's down, she pulls an arrow and prepares to fire. Right as she fires the arrow, though, he rolls out of the way and jumps back to his feet, planning to attack in response.

I simply stay back and watch the fight progress. As she ducks and dodges his attacks between dealing out her own, I see her the way she was before. Not just the unmatched skill that led us to the fight together but the grace behind it, the beauty that drew me to fall in love with her. All that's happened to her since her return has only made her stronger, given her even more of a reason to fight. In this moment, any doubts I had remaining fade away completely. Once I see her fighting so hard against this beast that's caused us both so much pain, I know in my heart that it's true. _It's really her. She's really back. …we found each other again._

Shepard rolls out of the way of an oncoming attack and, the second she stops moving, turns to aim another arrow at her target. He doesn't have enough time to prepare to catch it, so he's forced to duck out of the way and let it hit the wall. This move, however, opens him to a powerful melee attack. Then, while he's reeling from it, she gets creative and proceeds to simply hit him with her bow. The force alone makes him stumble back. She has a clear shot. She reaches to take it—

I see the problem about the same time she comes up empty. She just ran out of arrows again.

Orion notices and smirks, shadowy eyes glowering at her with an intensity that weak-willed minds would find terrifying in itself. "Looks like your luck just ran out, Hawkeye." He moves to attack.

She quickly ducks out of the way, tossing her empty quiver aside as she does. At the very least, that lets her move a little faster. She maximizes her efforts on that speed and free movement now, starting by taking hold of his arm again before he can get moving. He fights her off, but she manages to kick around and throw his legs out from under him. Just when she's prepared to finish him off, he flips around on the ground and grabs hold of her leg, pulling her down at the same time he rolls back to his feet. They wind up trading blows on the floor for a minute before throwing each other aside enough to rush back in at full strength.

I start seeing a pattern. The exertion is starting to break through both of them. He's not using his biotics as much, but she's starting to slow down again already. He's not going to wear out before she does…spirits…that's his plan! He's trying to subdue her. If she uses all the energy she has left on this fight, she won't have the strength left to fight him off when he goes back to his "strategy." Unless the squad wins the fight in the central chamber before then, it's over for all of us. Shepard is already losing it out there and I'm still injured. But one of us has to take him out. _Now_.

The guns I dropped on the fall in are still on the other side of the cavern (and the other side of the fight) from me. And even if I could get to them, I can't shoot straight with a broken hand. I need to find another way. …then I look to the side and see the arrow Shepard fired on her entry lying on the floor…

Shepard moves to kick Orion in the stomach only for him to catch her foot and throw her back like he did to me. That insinuates he's going to follow up with a biotic strike for her as well. Since she's out of my range, I seize this chance to make my move. I rush over to blindside him—

Apparently, I wasn't sneaking up on him as well as I thought (or he somehow planned this the whole time), because he sees me coming and diverts his biotic attack to me. All it does is throw me to the floor, though, and it gives Shepard a chance to blindside him herself. But she must be slower than I thought already because he tosses her aside almost effortlessly. Guess we're giving each other windows and hoping one of us will eventually get lucky. I take the new opportunity to strike and manage to get a hold on him. I still don't get the chance to deliver the killing blow, though, because he maneuvers enough to kick against the back of my leg and throw me off, which gives him the chance to flip my hold on him. Before I can get free, he grabs hold of my broken left hand and squeezes. The resulting agony drives me to my knees. I try to pull loose or at least get back on my feet only for him to tighten his hold, bringing me to dig the talons of my free hand against the cavern floor to avoid crying out again, and step down on my leg, applying just enough pressure that I can't move it. For about two seconds, I'm glad I'm at least in a position where I can't get further injured. Then Shepard pulls herself back to her feet and her grip on her bow tightens as she realizes…I'm trapped.

"You put up a good fight," Orion sneers, "I'll give you that." I can't see him like this, but I hear an all-too-familiar sound by my right ear. He has his gun at the ready. If I move now, he'll fire. "But it's time I put it to an end." He starts to—

" _Wait_!" Shepard cries without thinking. When he consents, she takes a moment to weigh her options. I follow: everyone is still in the fight on the top floor so she has no backup, any move she makes will lead him to shoot, and I'm in no position to fight my way out. Normally, she could just charm her way out of a situation like this, but Orion's clearly as well-versed in that language as she is so he'll know all her tricks and won't let her get away with it. I try to tell myself she'll find a way—she's Commander Shepard, she always has. But before I can convince myself it's true… "…I…" …she drops her bow. "…I'll do whatever you want, just don't hurt him."

 _Sara, no!_

I can practically see Orion smirking again. I never thought I would despise such a sight so much. "Glad you finally saw reason." He doesn't move the gun, though. He's not finished. We all know it.

I frantically start searching for some way to get us out of this. There must be something she can do, something I can signal her to. The arrows she lost in the fight are all out of her reach—the time it would take her to get one and prepare to fire would be more than enough time for her target to make his move, so that's out of the question. She's too far away to outright attack him like she's been doing without hitting _me_ first, and, while I would gladly take the risk, she won't chance it. She doesn't have any grenades or anything and I used anything I could give her in my earlier struggle with Orion. No, I need to face the facts. Anything she could try to get me out of this will lead him to pull the trigger. She's not fast enough to stop him now and she knows it. She'll never risk that, no matter the cost. _I_ need to do something if either of us is going to get out of this. But…if I'm going to save her…then…

I brace myself, knowing what I have to do. _…I'm sorry, Shepard._

Then I turn the arrow I grabbed into position and move as fast as I can, driving it into Orion's chest. The motion causes my left hand to twist in his grasp…and his gun to go off.

When I fall back to the floor, leaning against my right hand to stay the least bit upright, I see Orion stumble back. The arrow is buried deep in his flesh, releasing a stream of dark red blood onto the cavern floor. For a moment, he tries to pull the arrow loose, but it's penetrated too far—his broken breathing pattern indicates it punctured a lung. He drops the gun to the floor, a metallic clatter echoing off the stone walls. I see the shadows in his eyes dim as his heartbeat slows down. Then it stops entirely and Killian Orion falls to the cavern floor. Dead.

Now there's nothing left to distract me from the noise that resounded through the caverns and still seems to be going off in the distance. The noise of a gunshot caused by the sudden stab of an arrow and the resulting muscle contraction against a waiting trigger. Maybe it's the fact that most of my nerves are focused on my hand, but I don't feel a difference. For a few seconds, I almost believe that the bullet managed to miss me and hit the cavern floor.

But then I feel a fiery pain in my abdomen and a weakness surging through me. One look down and I see why: a bullet wound on my left side, just below the ribs, leaking blue blood onto my broken hand. Slowly, the weakness, more powerful than even the attacks of the poison, takes me over and I collapse.

"GARRUS!" I hear her voice calling for me, the last thing I hear before everything goes black…

… _I feel cold and warm at the same time, like I'm touching a fire made of ice…_

"…Garrus…" I hear Liara's voice in the distance, "…hold on…"

… _shadows surround me but they're distant, faint, trying to get to me but incapable of reaching that far…_

"…come on, Vakarian…" I hear James' voice, "…don't do this to us…"

… _the pain is fading but lingering at the same time, as if it'll never let go…_

 _"…please…Garrus…come back to me…"_ …I hear a voice I know and love dearly but I can't even tell if it's off in the distance like the others or part of the dream…

 _I find myself closing my eyes and holding to that voice chasing away the darkness around me. I don't care where it leads me. I have to find it. …I have to get back to her._

I finally feel myself falling back into reality. Slowly, the memories begin pulsing in my mind. The first thing I remember is…the attack. The assassin. The day I visited Shepard's memorial. I remember being poisoned and falling unconscious, hearing things that weren't there and seeing things in darkness.

 _It wasn't real. None of it. It was all a dream._

But before I can truly realize this, I feel something change. I feel someone's arms around me. Someone I thought I lost forever.

"…Shepard?"

As my vision returns, the first thing I see is _her_. It's really her. Her light red hair falls over her left shoulder as her head is turned to face me, her bright green eyes sparkling with joy as I return the gaze. "Garrus…" she says, revealing every emotion she can contain just by the way she speaks my name.

I'm too weak to respond the way I want to. I can't jump up and kiss her, pull her down to my side, or take her into my arms and never let go again. But I can reach up and run my fingers through her hair as she strokes my scars again. "…Sara…"

She smiles even more, tears coming to her eyes. "It's me. …don't leave me again."

I finally gather enough strength to pull her down to me and kiss her once again. I let her fill my senses again, cherish every second with her while I still can. When she pulls away, I take in the sight of her, enough to make me forget the pain entirely. "Never."


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

I wake up in the med bay. For half a moment, I can't remember how I got there. Then it all comes back to me. The attack, my families, the _Normandy_ , the Black Shadows…Sara…

I almost begin to think again that it was all a dream. Then I open my eyes and my doubts fade away.

She's there. She lies on the bed beside the one I'm in, looking as beautiful as I remember. She must hear me because she opens her eyes to look at me and smiles as she does. "Hi."

I still don't have all my strength back. I still can't pull her over and never let go. But I can't hide how overjoyed I am to see her alive again. Of course, then I remember where we are. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, Garrus. Dr. Chakwas actually checked me out an hour ago and said I was fine but…I wanted to be here when you woke up." She pushes the covers off and steps over to take my hand as she kneels down beside me to make her eyes level with mine. It's the hand that got broken, so it's very tightly bandaged and she takes extra care as she handles it. "…Liara told me everything."

That makes me turn my gaze from hers. Suddenly, I don't have the courage to keep it up.

She simply places her other hand over the one she holds, attempting to show all the comfort she can. "I know it's been hard, but…I'm here for you, Garrus. In fact…you could say I never left."

"But you did. And it's been the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, harder than fighting the Reapers. I've grieved you for three years now. Coming back to me won't change that…" I then face her again, seeing that my words are actually hurting her on some level. But I can't change the truth either and it's too late to turn away from it now: "…or the fact that I can't take losing you again. I've lost you twice now."

"I came back twice, too."

"What, is that supposed to end now that the Reapers are gone? I'm starting to think your spirit of death is taunting me."

"And what about me?"

I look at her in confusion.

Her eyes are watering. Something is very wrong, I know it. "…I watched you die, too. Every night in my sleep."

… _oh_. That I'm unprepared for. I was not expecting this. I don't know how to…no…no, I do. I do what I did for her during the war and act as her strength again. I place my other hand over hers so that all four of our hands are locked together. I keep my eyes on hers, doing everything I can to show her that it's alright, that I'm here and I won't leave her.

She simply clutches my hand tighter and lowers her gaze. "When I got the vision from the Prothean beacons, it haunted me. Once I realized what I was seeing, when I saw what the Reapers did to them, it got worse. Suddenly, my dreams started translating it into our cycle. I wasn't seeing the Protheans die, I was seeing what would happen if we couldn't stop the war. I saw everyone I cared about harvested…including you.

"After the first _Normandy_ went down and took me with it, after I came back the first time, it started to calm down. But then I found out that you were practically missing…I was worried about you. When we found you, it was like I only came alive at that moment. I started to feel like myself again, fighting at your side. But when you were gunned down, it…I thought I'd lost you for good. Seeing you like that, it killed me inside. I was overjoyed when you came back to me. But…well, you'd changed. I guess we both had.

"I was so worried about you after the fight on Omega and it only got worse when we were tracking down Sidonis. I thought I'd lost you in a way I just couldn't handle. That's why I fought so hard to keep him alive: it was my way of trying to save _you_. After the mission was over, it made me realize how much I cared about you, that I couldn't do this without you…that I really loved you. I guess we both felt that way from the beginning, just couldn't admit it. Every moment I spent with you was the best moment of my life.

"But after the suicide mission…I started wondering what would've happened if just one thing had gone differently. There were so many times we could've lost everyone and it wasn't just strategy that got us through but _dumb luck_! I started having nightmares again, not because of the beacon but because of all the _what if_ s. Every night, I'd lose everyone I cared about but the one thing all of the worst ones had in common was that I watched you die. It felt so real that it hurt, like I was actually holding you in my arms and feeling you slip away. When I woke up, I'd remind myself that it wasn't real, but I couldn't deny the fact that _it could have been_.

"What if the plating or the shields didn't hold when we were approaching the base and one of the attacks hit you? What if Tali couldn't hack the doors or we couldn't hold off the Collectors and something got through? What if you'd been with us in the Seeker Swarms' hall and Jack's barrier had gone down while you were at the front? What if the others couldn't hold the main doors? What if you'd been with us when the Reaper went down and I couldn't catch you? What if the platform crash had hit just a little harder with you there?" I could tell the thought of losing me was killing her as much as actually losing her had killed me. Because I had never seen her _cry_ like this before.

Still, she pulls it together enough to keep going: "The thought of seeing you again really was the only thing that got me off of Earth when the Reapers hit. But seeing Palaven in flames destroyed me. Because I thought I'd lost you. I thought for sure you'd be right in the thick of it and wouldn't be able to keep back hundreds of Reaper forces alone. Fighting all the Husks and Cannibals on Menae allowed me a distraction, let me focus on fighting instead of thinking you might be gone.

"Seeing you at the camp gave me my strength back. Even more so when you helped us fight them off. I couldn't have survived that fight without you. You were the only thing that kept me going when the war got hard to take. You were the reason I was able to finish it. Leaving you on the _Normandy_ in the last push for the beam was the hardest thing I've ever had to do—just like leaving me there must have been for you, from what I hear. But I knew I had to protect you. Because even if I did survive the fight, there was no point in going on with my life afterwards if you weren't in it. …the last thing I remember before the Crucible went off…the first thing I thought about when I woke up—the thing that woke me up…" She meets my eyes again, the tears replaced by a spark of joy I've missed more than I can say. "…was you."

I have no words for this. What could I say?

"Never let me go again," she pleads, clutching my hands as tightly as she can without hurting one of us, "There's no Shepard without Vakarian, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember," I answer, "Clearly, there's no Vakarian without Shepard either."

She smiles, her green eyes gleaming as she does. Finally, she pushes the sheets on my bed aside and sits down beside me. Once I move back towards the edge enough to make room for her, she climbs on and pulls the sheets back over, moving closer to me. I wrap my arms around her, hoping never to let go again. She accepts this, seems to pull even closer. Then her eyes lock on mine and, just like in my dream, I lose the will to move. After a few seconds, she reaches up her left hand to stroke my scars. In response, I reach up my right hand to stroke her hair. After a moment, my hand falls away and rests on her shoulder. Then she stops stroking my scars and rests her hand over them. Our eyes lock together again and stay there. Finally, we simply lay there in each other's arms, doing nothing but being together, just like we used to do after the suicide mission. I don't know how long we stay that way before I fall asleep...

When I wake up, she's gone. _She's gone_! Ignoring the possible dangers, I pull myself to my feet and out of the med bay to start looking.

I find her in front of the memorial wall.

… _oh_ …

She's looking at the two named at the center: Adm. David Anderson and Commander Shepard. Before I get the nerve up to approach her, I don't know which she's really focused on—the man who guided her with the Alliance, who gave her the _Normandy_ , who she might as well have considered a father…or herself, come back from the dead a second time and no longer sure why?

Slowly, I step over to her side. "Are you sure you're OK?"

She doesn't even take her eyes off the wall. "…I'm not sure that's a thing with me." She sighs, resting her head in her hand. "It's not that I'm attracted to danger, it's that danger's attracted to _me_. My whole life, everyone close to me has…" She can't bring herself to finish. Instead, she looks over at me.

When I follow her eyes, I find that they lead to my left side. My hand is still bandaged like it was back in the med bay. But now I notice that there's also a bandage over where I was shot.

She reaches over, pressing her fingertips against the wound. The sudden pressure, light as it is, causes a flare of pain, small but enough to make me flinch back with a sharp gasp. She instantly pulls her hand back. Then she steps closer and places her whole hand against it. I almost react the same way, but the hurt subsides almost instantly when she doesn't move. After a moment, she reaches her other hand over to gently take hold of my broken one. As she looks at the injuries and runs her fingers against them so softly I barely feel it, she suddenly lets off a small laugh. "You really are insane."

I give her a small laugh of my own. "Yeah, well…that's just what love does to a guy like me."

Not moving otherwise, she raises her eyes up to meet mine. "Just make sure it doesn't happen again."

I nod. "That goes double for you. To be honest, when I first found out about what happened with the Crucible, I was hoping it was a nightmare. I couldn't take losing you."

Her gaze softens. Empathy. She doesn't even move when I reach my right hand up to her. She knows how much I need this. To feel her here and know for the first time in over a year that it's real. That the love of my life is alive and with me. And she is. I know it in my heart. As I look into her eyes again, I—

Suddenly, her eyes flash, the same blue light I saw on Omega. Just like back then, she recoils, seemingly in pain.

I quickly wrap an arm around her, ready to catch her if she starts to collapse. "Are you alright?"

She forces herself to recover, shakes it off like she'd shake off a concussive shot. "…yeah. I'm fine." She's not. She's trying to hide it, but I can tell.

"That happened before. On Omega. Before you got captured."

She doesn't even look at me. She didn't then either. Why not? "It's happened a lot since I came back. Some sort of side effect from the Crucible or something like that."

"…it reminds me of Legion."

"As well it should, I suppose. Just a standard from merging with synthetics." She brings back her commander voice for the whole "explanation," calls up all the strength she has to finalize this before I can question further. But in the brief moment our eyes meet, I also find a pleading look in her eyes— _Don't ask me about it. Please._ That's the end of it then. It's pretty clear it's hurting her. No way am I digging any deeper there.

But that's not all there is. It's time I finally said what's been eating away at me since we first breeched the Shadows' network. "…I saw what they did to you."

She knows exactly what I mean the moment I say it. I feel her tense up. The same tension you would expect from someone who was saved from months of that torture. Once again, she seems…fragile. That hurts us both.

But I still bring myself to say what I know I have to: "I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that. I wish I could've saved you from it." She barely responds. "Well, hey, at least they paid for it." She scoffs, shaking her head. Not like it's a small comfort but like it doesn't make a difference at all. Like what Orion said was true and she really did walk away unaffected. I can't say it would surprise me. But I also can't deny any longer that…well… "…I hate to say it—I regret even feeling it—but I am still somewhat grateful to them. Because they brought you back to me."

"You don't have to feel that at all," she finally says, turning to face me again, "It wasn't the Shadows that brought me back."

I look at her in confusion.

She answers with a smile. "It was an angel." She places her hand over my scars again, her eyes glistening with love. "…an Archangel."

I smile back, placing my hand over hers. "You have no idea how much I missed you, Shepard."

"No, I think I do." She then pulls in closer and kisses me. I return it without a second thought, reaching around to draw her closer as well. Every part of me comes alive, awakened by what I've been missing so agonizingly for the longest year of my life. When she pulls away, I'm already dying to do it again. "…so…what was it you called me on Omega?"

Oh, right. I said it out loud this time. I laugh briefly at the thought before explaining: " _Kalwen_. It's a turian word that doesn't translate. It means…someone you devote your love to, someone you can't live without. There aren't words strong enough to define it. We just say it means 'light of my heart.'"

With every word, her smile comes back just a little bit brighter until I almost think I see the spark come back to her eyes. "So it's almost like what Thane called his wife. What was it? … _siha_?"

"Yeah. Something like that."

She just smirks at me. "I like yours better."

I smile. She's always known just how to get that out of me.

After a moment, she takes my hand and pulls me a few steps back to the elevator. "Come on. The others are all in the CIC, they'll wanna know we're OK."

The doors open less than a minute later to reveal all our past squad-mates waiting on deck 2. I watch as everyone rushes to welcome back their commander first. EDI has already repaired herself, Wrex and Grunt have regenerated, and Tali's suit's onboard medical systems have attended to all her injuries. Everyone else who was on Omega with us is somehow injured but it's mostly minor, nothing that can't be patched up and forgotten by tomorrow. That in itself is enough to make Shepard smile again if only from relief.

Tali is the first to make her way to me. "Quit scaring me like that!" she snaps, hitting me in the arm.

"Yeah, I love you, too," I smirk at her. Half-sarcastically.

She just shakes her head at me. "Come here, you bosh'tet." With a sigh, she hugs me and walks away. Glad to see she's back to normal.

"So did you break the news to Joker yet?" I ask the others.

"Yeah," Ashley smirks, "He had a full-blown conniption. You should've seen it."

"I don't suppose EDI got it on camera?"

"Don't even think about it!" a certain pilot calls from the cockpit. …something tells me I don't wanna know how he heard us.

The next five minutes are spent in much the same way. They all make some comment about my wellbeing, but we all know that everyone's real delight right now is having Sara Shepard back. And with no war on, at that. Not entirely sure what we'll end up doing now without any Reapers to take care of, though, but we've always had a way of finding the action anyway. …OK, so, usually, the action finds us. Even better.

I look over at Shepard every…three seconds or so. Each time, she's still smiling. There's no doubt in my mind why. She's just thrilled to be _home_. Having all of us here is exactly what she's needed. Looks like she'll be taking her ship back. Guess that means I'll have to stick around again. For a long time.

When Miranda makes some comment about our destination, Shepard, probably out of habit, steps over to the galaxy map and looks it over. Makes sense. That's where she belongs. I step over to her, placing a hand against her. She instantly takes hold of my hand and pulls it, bringing me to wrap my arms around her. I smile as I comply. As if I wasn't planning to all along.

"So what happens now?" I ask, keeping my arms around her waist.

She smiles back, turning to wrap her arms around my neck. "I believe we had a plan to retire someplace warm and tropical and then find out what a turian-human baby looks like."

"I thought biology wouldn't cooperate."

"We'll make it." She pulls me closer and kisses my scars.

 _The way she did the last time we were reunited._

I smile at the memory now. I never have to push them away from grief again. Because she's here. She came back. And I won't let her go this time.

 _"Never."_

Wrex looks at us and groans. "Get a room."

I notice Shepard shooting him a quick look and him waving her off. But I just think over what he said. As the others start talking, I lean over enough to whisper my idea in Sara's ear: "Why don't we?"

As soon as she catches my meaning, she turns to look at me. I can tell she knows what I'm asking. Finally, beaming with delight at the suggestion, she takes me by the wrist and heads for the elevator. The doors close to take us up to her cabin exactly one second before the others realize we've left.

Once we're in her cabin, I seal the doors and block off EDI's surveillance. When I finish, I notice Shepard has already headed over to check on her hamster. I just barely suppress the urge to laugh. "What, did you miss him, too?"

"Yes." One hand pressed to the cage, she starts looking around, as if comparing this space she hasn't seen in so long to her memories of her home. She even takes a second to look over the paper-made books left on the shelves, the ones she apparently collected on Earth 20 years ago—collections of the myths she loves so much, writings of authors with names like Tolkien or Poe or Tennyson—and runs a finger along the covers almost affectionately. I watch her for a moment, both enjoying the sight of her and appreciating the irony behind the fact that someone who spends every day of her life around aliens actually dreams of "elves" and "dragons" and such.

…wait…huh. I haven't thought of it like this before. But everything in here is a representation of the life she left behind and fought so hard to come back to. It's her second chance to live that life completely. And more… This isn't just a second chance for her, but for me. For us. I can make up for the mistakes I made last time, starting with letting my nerves get in the way of letting her know how I felt. No waiting this time. The moment she takes a step back, I take a step forward, and I take her hand in mine.

As she notices, she gradually turns her gaze over the hand I grasp and up to my eyes. In an instant, I get lost in the emerald eyes I've missed so much for more than a year. I can't look away, but I still reach up to run a talon through her hair. Any nerves threatening to come through fade away the moment I do. "…I love you, Sara Shepard."

She smiles so strongly that I almost think I see her eyes start to water again. That's enough to convince me, but she still says it out loud one more time: "I love you, too, Garrus."

In that moment, everything I've ever felt for her comes rushing in at once and I lose control. Before I know what I'm doing, I've grabbed hold of her and pulled her in to kiss her. She responds wholeheartedly, and the embrace turns passionate enough to remind me of Omega-4, of the top of the Presidium, of our last night together. For the first time in over a year, I manage to subdue the memories entirely, to push them away before they ever reach me, because they don't matter anymore. What matters is this, right now.

Commander Sara Shepard. My _kalwen_ —love of my life, light of my heart. A reason to believe again.

I don't realize we're moving at all, but somehow we end up on the bed. When we break off to catch our breath, it turns into an embrace like what we had every night after Omega-4, just me and her together watching the stars fly past. If I could freeze time forever, this is the moment I would do it.

It's perfect.

"So," her voice whispers in my ear, warm and beautiful, enough to make me fall in love all over again, "before we cash in on those retirement plans, where do we go next?"

As soon as I know what my answer is, I smile with a passion I haven't felt since the last time we kissed on Earth. "I vote for Palaven. I got to see your world without Reapers pouring over it. I'd love to show you mine."

I don't have to look at her to see her smile or the spark in her eyes as she gives it. I know that look by heart. "I'd like that, too." She moves closer to me, wrapping herself around me. "I'll be sure to tell Joker to set a course."

"Won't we have to leave the cabin?"

"I didn't say 'now.'"

I can't resist giving off a small laugh as I turn onto my side and wrap myself around her as well. We've been apart for too long. Never again.

We've said our last goodbyes.

 **THE END…?**

Ta-da! Thank you all for reading and reviewing. Hope you enjoyed!  
P.S. If you felt like this wasn't enough, look out for the two-part epilogue I'll be posting separately sometime in the next week (probably Saturday). ;)


End file.
